List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Iam]

Anthony....present company excluded!

Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
I should be in charge," said the brain ,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs", "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum","Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectu annd insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days the brainhad a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, th legs got wobbly, theyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...The asshole is usually in charge!
​

 

[amethist]

Give The Boy A PhD

This Is A Classic, And So Of Adults To Hear Innocent Questions The Wrong Way.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My .sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principals .office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a .test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back .to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

.Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3x3?"

Boy: "9"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"

Boy: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"!

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The Principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principals eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: "Yep"

Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent"

Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Boy: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"

Boy: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer for some men than on others. The nuns don't need it. The pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Boy: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:

"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"



How many times have we done a similar thing?

Amethist

 

[Iam]

Now That Is My Kind Of Joke!

:rofl:Thanks for starting my day off right!

 

[Jimmy]

Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of
Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen..

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government
experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that
Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will
now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Thought for the day: There is more
money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them

 

[Jimmy]

Fishing

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend..'


Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that
I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my
wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth
guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you
had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”


Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
Gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'

And she said:…………….. 'Wear sun-block.'

 

[Nicolette]

For The Aussies

Why Australia is in Trouble

The population of this country is 23 million

10 million are retired

That leaves 13 million to do the work

There are 8 million in school

Leaving 5 million to do the work

Of these, 2.7 million are “employed” by the federal government


So there’re only 2.3 million to do the work

400,000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden

Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work

Take from that total the 1.5 million people who “work” for state and city governments

Just 0.4 million left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals

Leaving 381,200 to do the work

Currently we have 380,198 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me

And there you are

Sitting on your ass

At the computer, reading jokes

Nice….. Real nice.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Right back at ya!!!!! LOL That one cracked me up! :)

 

[amethist]

Where White Man Went Wrong.

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong".

The chief started at the government official then replied.

"When white man find land. Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex".

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that."

 

[amethist]

Why Sharks Circle.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father said to the son shark, and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim round them a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing". Which they did.

"Well done son! Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing". Which they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both full, the son asked. "Why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them for so long".

His wise father replied.

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

[cherryblossom]

No-One Believes Seniors

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their
old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had
carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home , a bag of money fell out of an armoured car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money: fifty-thousand pounds!
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next
day, two policemen were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the
money and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armoured car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The policemen turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . ..'
The first policeman turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.

 

[cherryblossom]

I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[amethist]

Woman's Revenge.

"Cash, cheque or charge", asked the lady at the counter.

As the customer fumbled for her purse, the cashier noticed a TV remote in her bag. "So do you always carry the TV remote with you".

"No" she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".