List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[amethist]

A story all women will enjoy Link Removed Link Removed

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For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade . . ."

 

[amethist]

Patio Talk

An older woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could live without you"..

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"..

She replies, "It's me - talking to the wine"

 

[amethist]

Police Stop At 1am.

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The cop was laughing so hard - he let the old man continue walking home to his lecture

 

[amethist]

Great Science Answers
.
These are answers, some students have written in their exams...

* "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil."

* "Clouds are high flying fogs."

* "I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

* "Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

* "Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man."

* "Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e,i, o and u."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

•"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

 

[cherryblossom]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'What powerful rivers!'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him....



At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament ? Am I to count you as a believer ?'

The atheist looked directly into the light and with a flash of inspiration said, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian ?'

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:



'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

 

[popeye]

cherry that was a very good one

 

[Nicolette]

The 3 Bears.... New Modern Version

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F.....G PORRIDGE YET

 

[ISupportHer]

Well Momma Bear, get it together and Make the F'in porridge! We're hungry!

(ISH runs away to hide)

 

[Lionheart]

Being from Kentucky, I often run into jokes about the Redneck way of doing things, I found this one on facebook and thought I would share it.

REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:


1) Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2) Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3) Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4) Leave note on your door: ......

"Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all 4 of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

Be right back.
:D

 

[cherryblossom]

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............

 

[KP the nut]

 

[KP the nut]