List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Iam]

A mother invites herself to her son's, Anthony, house for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the
course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to
Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and
wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying
that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact
remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now, since thats
where I put it. Love, Mama. ------Moral: Never lie to your Mama

 

[cherryblossom]

Irish maths test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

 

[amethist]

You really need to get out more CB. Hubby nearly choked on his tea laughing at this one. :oops:

Better not read them to him when he is drinking.

 

[amethist]

As heard on our local radio station. So please no come back :rolleyes:

What kind of cheese do you use to lure a bear.

And

What kind do you use to hide a horse.

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For the bear you would have to use Camembert. Come on bear.

To hide a horse. Mascarpone. Mask a pony.

Yea I know they are bad, but so it the Saturday morning show on our local radio. :D

 

[CraftyCath]

2 of my favourites...

Q. What do you call a tramp with no legs?
A. A low down bun!

Santa went to the doctors and said...
'Doctor, I have a mince pie stuck up my bum.'
the doctor takes a look and says...
'You need some cream on that!'

:D ;) :D

 

[Anna]

WORDS WOMEN USE ******************************
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

COMPARED NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

[Sandra]

The Parrot and the Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the damn' ship?

<Edited to larger font, as it was a bit small. Amethist>

 

[Sandra]

The Purina Diet

I have a yellow Lab. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive
Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is
nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again. I
have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a
tall guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to. Horrified,
she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned
me. I told her no, and went on to explain that I spotted another dog across the road and when I ran out onto the road to go sniff the dog's butt I got hit by a car. I thought the guy was going to need assistance as he staggered to the door, laughing uproariously.

 

[Sandra]

My New Year's Wish

My wish for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

 

[Sandra]

Dear God: Here is a list of

just some of the things I must remember

to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats

it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,

crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's

underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's

crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand

straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before

entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,

and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living

room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',

so when I play with him and he makes that noise,

it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven,

may I have my testicles back?

Oh can I relate to some of those. :laugh:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thanks for the laugh Sandra. :) :)

 

[Sandra]

If the indians had given the Pigrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we would be all having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.