List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Sandra]

God Saw you hungry and created
Subway,Chocolate,and Crab Legs.

He saw you thirsty and created
Coke, Juice, and Coffee

GOD saw you in the dark and created Light.

GOD saw you without a
Good looking, adorable,
Friend ... So He created ME.

 

[shadowchaser]

There was a scientific study done on a woman's view of her ass. The results were shocking.

30% of Women thought their ass was to big
10% of Women thought their ass was to small
60% of Women thought their ass was a pain but they love him anyway.

 

[Loloma]

Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

 

[shadowchaser]

lmao love the last one

 

[Loloma]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[Loloma]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[Sandra]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,"How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[Sandra]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life.


The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel
tells them, 'You have fifteen minutes left... would you care to do it
again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?', and she eagerly replies,'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its
head.'

 

[Sandra]

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!​

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE​

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.​

2.I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.​

3.Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.​

4.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.​

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.​

6.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me​

7.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.​

8.Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.​

9.I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. ​

10.Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. ​

11.NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.​

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.​

13.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.​

14.Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.​

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? ​

16.Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!​

17.Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.​

18. Procrastinate Now!​

19.I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?​

20.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.​

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.​

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!​

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.​

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.​

25A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.​

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.(how true)​

27.The trouble with life is there's no background music.​

28.The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.​

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. ​

 

[Sandra]

The Blind Bunny
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."

 

[Sandra]

Link Removed

 

[Loloma]