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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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amethist
VIP Member
Oh Marlene
That is hilarious :rofl:
will have to remember that one
Amethist
That is hilarious :rofl:
will have to remember that one
Amethist
amethist
VIP Member
A duck walks into a bar and very politely asks the bartender
"Got any grapes"
Confused at the question he answers
" Sorry we don't sell grapes"
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks again
"Got any grapes"
Again the bartender tells the duck
"No we do not sell grapes".
Again the duck thanks him and leaves.
The following day the duck returns and asks again
" Got any grapes"
By now the bartender is annoyed and shouts at the duck
" I have told you we do not sell grapes and if you come in here asking again i will nail you duck beak to the bar"
At this the duck goes quiet then very politely asks
"Got any nails"
Totally confused the bartender says
"No we have not got any nails"
"Good" says the duck "Got any grapes"
Amethist
"Got any grapes"
Confused at the question he answers
" Sorry we don't sell grapes"
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks again
"Got any grapes"
Again the bartender tells the duck
"No we do not sell grapes".
Again the duck thanks him and leaves.
The following day the duck returns and asks again
" Got any grapes"
By now the bartender is annoyed and shouts at the duck
" I have told you we do not sell grapes and if you come in here asking again i will nail you duck beak to the bar"
At this the duck goes quiet then very politely asks
"Got any nails"
Totally confused the bartender says
"No we have not got any nails"
"Good" says the duck "Got any grapes"
Amethist
Deadly Fruit
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
D
Deleted member 541
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and
wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favourite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Sincerely,
Your ex wife
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and
wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favourite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Sincerely,
Your ex wife
amethist
VIP Member
Not jokes just some of my husbands daft comments.
We heard a police siren this morning, his comment was,
"Not going to sell many ice creams going at that speed".
Followed by a car crunching the gears, his comment ,
" Keep mixing there is one in there some where".
Not a lot you can say to that.
Amethist.
We heard a police siren this morning, his comment was,
"Not going to sell many ice creams going at that speed".
Followed by a car crunching the gears, his comment ,
" Keep mixing there is one in there some where".
Not a lot you can say to that.
Amethist.
amethist
VIP Member
If this joke offends anyone please except my daughters apologies. But i could not resist posting it.
A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman's hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog.
When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dogs bit's and pieces( I am being polite here ).
" That's a nice fire engine " says the man. " But wouldn't the dog pull it faster if you tied the rope to his collar?"
" Yea " says the boy " But then i wouldn't have a siren "
Amethist
A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman's hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog.
When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dogs bit's and pieces( I am being polite here ).
" That's a nice fire engine " says the man. " But wouldn't the dog pull it faster if you tied the rope to his collar?"
" Yea " says the boy " But then i wouldn't have a siren "
Amethist
M
midi
A bear walks into a bar...
Bear: "Bartender, I'll have a beer and...
...
...a bag of peanuts."
Bartender: "Why the big pause?"
Bear: "I was born with them."
Bear: "Bartender, I'll have a beer and...
...
...a bag of peanuts."
Bartender: "Why the big pause?"
Bear: "I was born with them."
HELP WANTED
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"
There was a Lakers fan with a really crappy seat at Staples Center. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat at half-court. Thinking to himself "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my mother's seat. She passed away. She was a big Lakers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my mother's seat. She passed away. She was a big Lakers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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