amethist
VIP Member
I was told that if I thought the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, I was aiming about 10 inches too high !!!
Oh well you live and learn.
Oh well you live and learn.
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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ISupportHer
Diamond Member
Gee Nicolette, did you leave out "Mind Reader" or just miss it?
:rofl:
ISH
:rofl:
ISH
- Moderator
- #579
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
I'm glad my joke has initiated such interest ;)
Tried And True Home Remedies
Try these simple home remedies.....
1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetable while you chop.
2. To avoid arguments with the females of the house about lifting the toilet seat, use the sink.
3. Placing a mouse trap on top of your alarm clock will prevent your from rolling over and going back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will be too scared to.
5. The only two tools you need in your house for repairing things are WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40, and if it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.
6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Thought for the day....
Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Try these simple home remedies.....
1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetable while you chop.
2. To avoid arguments with the females of the house about lifting the toilet seat, use the sink.
3. Placing a mouse trap on top of your alarm clock will prevent your from rolling over and going back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will be too scared to.
5. The only two tools you need in your house for repairing things are WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40, and if it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.
6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Thought for the day....
Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
amethist
VIP Member
You Know You Are Old When !!!
A pretty young girl in a short skirt walks passed you garden, and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
-------------------------------------------
You are declined as an organ donor, because you are told they are not sure if your organs are functional.
--------------------------------------------
Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was our age..."
--------------------------------------------------
You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.
-------------------------------------------------------
A 30 year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.
---------------------------------------------------------
Your back goes out more than you do.
---------------------------------------------------------
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks, then discover you aren't wearing any.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
---------------------------------------------------
When you go for a check up and the doctor finds it impossible to stop at, "Your in good shape" and must add, "For your age"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the car park.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Enough for now, :rofl:
Amethist
A pretty young girl in a short skirt walks passed you garden, and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
-------------------------------------------
You are declined as an organ donor, because you are told they are not sure if your organs are functional.
--------------------------------------------
Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was our age..."
--------------------------------------------------
You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.
-------------------------------------------------------
A 30 year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.
---------------------------------------------------------
Your back goes out more than you do.
---------------------------------------------------------
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks, then discover you aren't wearing any.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
---------------------------------------------------
When you go for a check up and the doctor finds it impossible to stop at, "Your in good shape" and must add, "For your age"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the car park.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Enough for now, :rofl:
Amethist
- Moderator
- #582
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Is This What We Have Ahead Of Us?
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,
'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,
'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle..
Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope.....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope.....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
amethist
VIP Member
Now why did'nt I think of doing that to my ex :rofl:
- Moderator
- #585
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Theft Problem
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these, and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere - every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying on my back and they were gone! But when I jumped up, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these, and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere - every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying on my back and they were gone! But when I jumped up, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
- Moderator
- #587
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
It must be contagious as I am showing signs of having such thefts too. As for Swiss cheese...the holes are to let the horrible stuff go straight through :Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:
amethist
VIP Member
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
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had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good
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