List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[amethist]

The Spartans where set up and ready for war against the Persians. All ready with their hair done, (as was their custom :rolleyes:)

The Persians sent a message telling the Spartans that they were going to kill every living soul, not leaving anyone to tell the story of how they were defeated.

The Spartans sent a one word message back.

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BOVVERED. :tup:

 

[popeye]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

[amethist]

The Talking Parrot

A lady was walking down the street on her way to work when she passed a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot shocked her when it yelled out "HEY lady ! Your UGLY!" Fit to burst the lady stormed past.

On her way home she saw the same parrot and it yelled at her again. "Hey Lady! Your UGLY!" She was extremely angry by now and stomped all the way home. Cursing and grumbling about the parrot.

The next day there was the same parrot again and she tried to ignore him, but just as she passed by he yelled "Hey lady! Your UGLY!.

The women was so beside herself with fury that she burst into the pet store and said "I've HAD it. I will sue if you don't get rid of that parrot."

The store manager apologized over and over and promised he would give the parrot a punishment he would never forget, and he swore the parrot would never, ever yell at her again.

When the lady walked passed the store that evening after work, the parrot called to her. "Excuse me Ma'am, may I speak to you for a moment".

Surprised by the parrot's polite tone, she paused and answered "Yes what is it?".

The bird leaned forward on it's perch and quietly whispered "YOU Know"

 

[kay dodssim]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

This joke has always made me smile.
So has joining this forum and reading everyone's stories!! :)

 

[ruffdeal]

When i'm not in my right mind,my left mind gets pretty crowded.

the early bird gets the worm,but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I used to have an open mind,but my brains kept falling out.

If at first you don't succeed,destroy all the evidence you tried.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifegaurd.

Steven Wright

 

[Froggie]

Jane is very in love with John and she wanted to do something special and sexy. John is an absolute fan of Brigitte Bardot. Jane decided to get tattooed a "B" on each buttock - 2 Bs in honor of Brigitte Bardot. A few days later, Jane was in a very sexy tenue and told John that she had quite a suprise ... she turned her back to John and was sensually lowering her panties ... John screamed "Who the hell is BOB"?????

 

[cherryblossom]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Froggie]

The man is still looking at his thumb.

ROFLMAO :roflmao: I was so not expecting that last part CB, just glad I hadn't taken a drink of coffee. Could of been a mess.

 

[amethist]

Brilliant CB.



Going to read this to hubby and see at what point he stops listening to look at his thumb.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

If you like tax and are nerdy like me you will get a laugh out of this especially if in Australia:

The New Understandable Tax System (NUTS)

By now you will all be familiar with the new Goods and Services Tax and have a complete understanding of how it works. You don’t? Well, never mind, let me explain it…………

We are going to use the first three months as practice, and as of the 1st October, we have a new and simplified system for you. It is the New Understandable Tax System (NUTS) – and although it may appear complicated, it really is very easy to understand. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity. The Business Utilisation Number (BUN), will be used during all dealings with governments at all levels. Every business will get a BUN, with NUTS.

Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD), every month. Businesses should set aside at least three full working days to fill the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefit, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).

All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a Direct Application for Taxation form (DAFT). The completed DAFT form will then be assessed by a Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator (MORON), who determines the amount of Credited Refund Allowance Payment (CRAP), the taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation (STUPID), or Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit (IDIOTIC).

If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to a BUN, with NUTS. You will need to apply for a new allowance provided jointly by the State and Federal Governments, - The Joint Organisation Benefit (JOB), in the form of a Suddenly Temporarily Unemployed Financial Ticket (STUFT).

Any RATBAG who doesn’t have a JOB can get STUFT.

From October 1st when all Australia goes NUTS, small businesses will need to submit a General Allocation Rebate for Business and Goods Estimates (GARBAGE) report to the Department of Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the end of each month.

All small businesses must be registered as a Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST), by Sept 30th and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular fulltime basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK), on or before the 1st October. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.

In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that by the end of the next financial year, all businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.

 

[amethist]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in the second world war, their sgt says to them" You see that farmhouse over there, I want you three to go and make it safe".

So off they go, they smash the door in and systematically clear the house room by room. Until eventually, there`s only the cellar left.

The Englishman kicks the door in and it`s pitch black and there`s no lights.

The Scotsman says" You two stay here,I`ll go clear it." The next thing they hear is a loud THUD!

The Scotsman comes back up the stairs,his hands covering his face, blood pouring through them.

The Englishman says "My God, Paddy, you stay with Jock, I`ll go clear it."

The Englishman runs down the stairs and again, there`s a loud THUD!. The Englishman comes back up the stairs, with his hands covering his face and blood pouring through them.

The Irishman says "You pair of idiots, leave it to the professional" and off he goes,down the stairs. The others then here this loud THUD!THUD!THUD!THUD!

The Scotsman says to the Englishman "Wouldn`t you think he`d stop standing on that bloody rake!!!"

 

[amethist]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!