Little Communication With Parts-i'm Scared

[brandonsmom777]

Hi everyone. My name is Ashley and I've been diagnosed with complex ptsd w/dissociative features.

My whole life I've heard voices in my head, have had images pop up in my mind I didn't want to see...I coped with it by blinking my eyes and shaking my head.

Started drinking at age 12 wanted to die and didn't understand what was wrong with me. I didn't remember hardly anything about this one house we lived in between when I was like 6-9 years old. I didn't think it strange to not remember. I had few memories that stuck out but they were positive ones. I didn't remember my dad in that house at all.

Fast forward I've struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism etc etc basically anything I can do to prevent being afraid of my own body and mind. I'm out of my body 85% of the time. I'm not aware of my thoughts or memories and the front part of my brain is unaware of anything like I don't even exist or have a history.

Memories slowly started coming back to me of having a sexual relationship with my dad including rape but he was very nice to me. There were a few times he was on meth and I didn't think he was really my dad and got scared but for the most part I felt loved by him. I had this deep sense of shame but didn't even know what shame was at that age. All I know is my stomach always had butterflies and I felt like I was doing something wrong.

I'm struggling with a lot of denial. I constantly question the accuracy of what my mind is showing me. I don't trust my thoughts or perceptions and I leave my body because feelings are scary to me. As soon as I start to catch a feeling on something the alarm bells go off in my head something is wrong. I feel very isolated and detached which breaks my heart daily.

There is something wrong with one of my parts attachment style. I have another part that thinks people are going to turn into monsters and hurt me so that part of me has social anxiety.

I'm so tired of dealing with this stuff. I just wanted to introduce myself mostly. I'm currently on state disability until August to treat me. I was in an outpatient rehab for woman w TRAUMA and subtance abuse but I stopped going because it felt redundant every day.

I see my trauma therapist twice a week and I freaking love her. I think she's cried over my life more than I have lol she makes me feel so special. I would like to begin working with my parts but don't even know where to start or how to communicate with myself because I'm scared of them because they don't feel like me. I think it means I'm crazy. I just want to get better so bad :/

 

[claire east]

Hi everyone. My name is Ashley and I've been diagnosed with complex ptsd w/dissociative features...

Your not crazy you been through such traumatic truma just like me so you don't allow your self to process the bits of truma in your head I think your amazing strength to post on here and confined in people it takes guts don't be so hard on your self when I first started see images I didn't want to deal with them so I blanked it out until it came back with full force if ya need to chat I'm here

 

[kristinestefano]

hi everyone, including alters...

thank you all for talking. i think true acknowlgement from others is most powerfull . just knowing others share this hell in individual ways makes it feel so not alone. one thing i have figured out is how adrenal health effects my 'episodes'. i see now that for years i have neglected hypoglycemia . since i started eating REGULARLY, i feel more stable and able to 'nip-it '. i eat EVERY 3-4 hours. also, as an artist/teacher, i know creativity is fantastic therapy. it anchors the whole self to where you KNOW truth. important thing is process not product. anyone can be creative. and it helps me to have that project to look forward to.