Living In The Past

[ButterflyPEI]

At least every 10 seconds, I feel the feelings that I felt when I was being traumatized years ago. It takes up all my energy to be going back to that place constantly. I feel completely disconnected from everyone in my life because no one understands what is going on in my head. They all feel I just need to make a choice to be better. My marriage is on the rocks and I've only been married 6 months. I can't remember anymore why I married him, what I loved about him because I don't feel anything for him or for anything or anyone anymore. What is wrong with me? I'm sure I'm losing my mind.

 

[blueangel371115]

Trust me, you're not. I feel the same way. And when i try to explain it, they don't believe me. Talk out your feelings with your T or someone you trust. As I start, it helps to get things off your chest. Even if it's in this forum.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you Blueangel. I'm struggling right now too because all I have is my psychiatrist and a group she runs once a week. I've only been out of hospital for a month and feel I need more support than this but she won't make a referral for me!!

 

[blueangel371115]

I don't know about where you live, but where I'm from we have a county mental health. I called them for mine. I'd look into that as an option. Don't give up.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi Blue,
I'm in Canada. We have Community Mental Health and anyone can get hooked up with a therapist by calling but the wait list is about a year without a referral from a doc!! I'm so frustrated and pulling into myself more and more every day. My marriage is falling apart, I'm falling apart. I hate this!

 

[Nighteyes]

Butterfly,
Do you have a family Doctor? or a family health team? If so go and state the urgancy you have here in getting good metal health. I understand what you are saying. I am not married but have been engaged for 2 years and with my partner for 6 and he still doesn't understand anything about me, or my mind and how I can go from being "normal" to completely with drawn at a simple word or picture etc.
Its really hard to be in a relationship to begin with, yet along one when you suffer from PTSD and your partner has NO idea what it is or how to help.
My therapist used to have my partner in on occation to explain to him what PTSD is, what a flashback is, why someone would have them etc...and that still didnt help him understand.
People how havent been through "rough" patches in life, usually have a hard time understanding why, how, etc of the issues... cause they just dont get it.

Tell you get in to see someone I recommend you research some coping mechanisems.
I use grounding when I get trapped in a flashback.
Other things are like destraction tech. or even breathing... once you find yourself going into a flashback or dissociative state...try to focus on your breathing.... it takes practice but eventually it will snap you out of it...
Hope I was some kind of help

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi Nighteyes,
Thank you so much. I'm tired and can't write much now. I feel like I am fighting a fight that I will never win and it is exhausting me. I have never felt so alone and disconnected from the people in my life as I have the past couple of months. Everything is a fight for me and I feel like I have no one fighting for me. I have told my psychiatrist that I need more than what I am getting and she offers nothing. I saw my family doc yesterday and he said there is nothing he can do because I am under the care of a psychiatrist. I'm scared to be forceful and ask for what I need so instead I suffer alone. I hate myself so much!

 

[Nighteyes]

First off,
You are not suffering alone. I have been there too..and sadly still am there at times..more times then I like.
when it comes to your own care.... you need to be forcefull. Its a hard thing to do, but only you know what you are willing to try and willing to do to help. If your psychiatrist isnt willing to hear you out...then it might be time to find one that will. I went through many before I found one I could actaully bare to talk to more then "socaibly". Not every psych will match your needs, I personally found a psychologist 1000X better then a psychiatrist b/c they dontpuch drugs..they push real healing and real sulotions.
I mean I am by fare not the best person to dictate all this, as I myself find it extremely stressful and hard toask for help and to demand better care when it comes down to it. But I did do that and got results. However I also have an amazing family physician.
And trust me when I say I understand the feeling of everyone being against you, that theres no one in your corner... I feel this way everyday. and with everything you try you, even if you succeed you feel a failure... I am in that same situation... Lean on your husband a little...and if hes not understading..then a good friend...and ifyou dont have that an animal..and if you still dont have that.... We here on this forum are here with open eyes and open minds :)

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you so much Nighteyes. I'm tired so that's all for now. I will write more tomorrow.

 

[Abrasky]

Sometimes we are told things when we are young that we just believe. I think that things told to me fight with things I know from me and that is where my feeling like I am fighting against myself come from. Hang in there, and put on some oven gloves so when you fight with yourself it doesn't hurt so much. Hugs.
I'm sorry that you think your marriage is difficult at the moment. PTSD and marriage is hard to marriage together. But it IS possible. I've been married for 10 years, and we have been very strong some marriages around us without complications like PTSD have crumbled. Love and being able to put up boundaries when one partner that needs a break from the PTSD can get a break is important.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds as if you are having emotional flashbacks.

Are you familiar with the work of Pete Walker? His website has an attack plan for how to deal with emotional flashbacks so that we aren't constantly being transported to an emotional state of the past.

http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi Scared,
Thank you so very much. I am open to anything at this point and am on my way to check it out! Thanks again.