Living With Ptsd - Recovery?

[DMerish]

Is anyone else beginning to think you're through the worst of it and starting to think what life will be like when you manage your symptoms?

I was diagnosed in the late 1980's, took medication and participated in therapy for several years. I recall thinking that I was through the worst of it at some point during that time period. Severe symptoms stopped plaguing me, and I don't much recall now any minor symptoms after those first few years. My inner attitude took on a "Thank gawd that's over! I never want that in my life again!" mentality. My life picked up and I had many years of (what I call) "remission" - productive, fulfilling and happy years that included connections with many friends and family members, which were uninhibited by massive fear. I took up meditation during those years and think it helped; it still helps.

A trauma occurred in 1996 - the worst of all my PTSD symptoms came back. I struggled and fought them. I didn't want to go back to that place where I had been before. The worst was doubled by the new trauma and, I believe, made even worse by my desire to reject and not experience (again) what was going on. It was a very difficult period: the only period in my life where I considered suicide. I went back to therapy and took meds again. The third time was in 2001, the forth in 2006, and the most recent in late 2012.

I didn't take meds in 2001 or 2006, but my therapist at that time was more knowledgeable about trauma. I became familiar with CBT, educated myself a bit about how the brain/emotions work, the condition, and learned many tools to help manage my symptoms, (finally) actually accepted that having PTSD could be/is life long for me.

I no longer think PTSD is something that happened to me as if solely by an outside force, and if I can just alleviate outside traumatic circumstances then I'll never have symptoms again. My attitude about myself has changed. I cannot control everything that happens, nor can I completely control my responses or reactions. Therefore, PTSD is simply something I live with - something that can be very annoying and disturbing at times and limit my life, that I simply need to deal with symptoms when/if they occur - limit situations that I know are likely to trigger or possibly put me in harms way, and try to increase positive/good self care every day.

I no longer think of "managing symptoms" as this implies doing something when something happens. Sort of like, okay this is happening and I have to do something to fix it, i.e. putting the symptom before the action/thought to deal with the symptom.

I now primarily think more in terms of what can I do today to care for myself; what can I do today to be my best; what can I do to bring in light, love, good feelings and thoughts, first and foremost? It's a day-to-day, sometimes moment to moment thing - and sometimes I completely forget to think in those terms :rolleyes: then I begin again and try not to judge.

Drew

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Is anyone else beginning to think you're through the worst of it and starting to think what life will be like when you manage your symptoms?

Yes. I have started to look in the future and plan for it.

 

[piratelady]

It always makes me sad if I see people settling for less than they can potentially get to.

@Solara understood my point and I think she clarified it well. I'm not settling, but accepting that I have come a long way in processing my trauma and healing my PTSD. That being said, I believe that there will always be triggers and tough times ahead. I am of the mindset that my PTSD will never be completely gone. I am happy with how far I've come and I feel like my PTSD is very well controlled.

If people feel that management is the future, what does that look like? How do you manage?

I thinks some of the posts above cover management well. For me, it involves paying close attention to how full my stress cup is. Over the last year in therapy I've learned a lot in terms of how to cope when my cup starts to over-flow. So, now it's watching for my cup to fill up and as it does to make a conscious choice to use the coping skills I've learned to manage it before it gets out of control. I find sometimes I'm not entirely confident in my ability to handle the stress. As I look back, I've handled each time it's happened recently and it takes me less time to bounce back after each - relapse (not sure if that's the best word).

But it seems to me you have to literally replace many (or all) of your automatic responses to daily events with a new set of conscious, healthy responses. Those healthy responses take time to figure out and it takes I think some form of vigilance to call them up whenever something upsetting happens.

I agree completely. It's taken me quite some time to develop healthy responses and it's not fully automatic to turn to them, but it does seem easier each time.

 

[therapybankrupt]

but this is my interpretation of what you're saying. I don't think you're *settling* for anything, rather *accepting* that this is a disorder you will have to manage in some capacity for the rest of your life. Kudos to you for not being in denial!

d

I have had Ptsd for 52 years according to my diagnosis. I look back and managed with a few non debilitating symptoms until 19 years ago. Thats when I started to crumble. I hit the wall 11 years ago when I could no longer cope with holding down all the escalating pain. I started into therapy 9 years ago. Then rock bottom 1 year later and struggled that for 2 years. I think I would consider myself in a holding pattern hodgepodge of functioning days and symptom days. Yes the symptoms days have lessened and most are not as intense. I also experience new emotions I never allowed myself to feel.

I once functioned the way I thought was normal and it did not work for me. I still hit that wall. I blame the person I was married to. Now I want to move beyond victimhood and deal with my Ptsd. I lost myself somewhere and am in search of me. I have hope I will make it out to the other side and the symptom days will be less and less. I am so happy for all you who have made it to the other side. Do not diminish the progress you have made because of the symptom times. We have all been wounded or we would not be here. There will always be a scar or many scar's for some so I believe the challenge is managing the symptoms to have joy and love in our lives again.

 

[piratelady]

Do not diminish the progress you have made because of the symptom times.

This is something I find rather difficult. When the times come back where I start to experience symptoms again I tend to get down on myself and feel like I am failing. Sometimes it takes a day or two for me to realize it's not a healthy train of thought and to turn things around. I think that thought process stems more from my perfectionism than anything else though.

 

[therapybankrupt]

stems more from my perfectionism than anything else though.

Tell me about it... Thanks for saying that piratelady! It got me thinking. We need a lightbulb smile. What if letting go of perfectionism is an answer to avoid some of the pain? Accepting what is, just is. I have no control over when, where or why the debilitating anxiety and fear is arriving. Reminding myself this to shall pass. Is it possible to stop the self destructive thoughts of anger and blame to self and just ride out the symptoms that day?

From today on I am just going to call them my symptom days. Accept the initial symptoms as something that has been triggered no fault of mine. My strength is overprotecting me. I think when I go to anger at self it throws me into a spiral downward. I go into a period of depression and isolation. It could be what keeps me down? The frustration with me. Why can I not just accept it like a glitch from my illness? If so will it speed up the cycle process and lessen the suffering? Does this resonate with anyone else?

 

[arfie]

Totally excellent thread, piratelady. Thank you.

In the subject of hyper-vigilance, I feel the emphasis is on the "hyper." I have never felt a suggestion to stop being vigilant. To the contrary. There are very real needs and dangers in the world which need tending. Taking the hyper out of the vigilance makes me far more able to see beyond my fears and anxieties to what is actually in front of me. I can observe, evaluate and act with far greater efficiency.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Not too long after I start to feel that way, something will creep up and trigger me and I will stumble.

Aye, I've been like this the whole way through. I've spent a long time having to hide weaknesses from a parent who would chip at the crack until I crumbled or snapped, then blame it on me. Half my journey is acceptance to the point of never thinking I'm free, but rather managing.

*accepting* that this is a disorder you will have to manage in some capacity for the rest of your life. Kudos to you for not being in denial!

Right on Solara! And this is half the reason that most of us have told our family members or friends to bugger off, because they are incapable of dealing with this fact.

Recovery to me has been understanding what is happening to me and why, and better techniques to recover or recover more quickly. I would say exposure therapy really shows it, now some times I wonder why I avoided so much. I realize what some of the triggers are.

This is EXACTLY where I'm at right now.

It doesn't trigger me, but I am reminded. So it never entirely 'goes'. I never underestimate how badly things could turn, because they have. Perhaps that is just a reality to live with.

If I understand what's going on, and have ways of managing, and a list of those ways to refer to, I think I'll be able to get through this until I reach the day where I've lived a full life, and it's time to make room for another little human on the planet.

I cannot control everything that happens, nor can I completely control my responses or reactions.

I believe the challenge is managing the symptoms to have joy and love in our lives again.

Lack of control is a very hard things for me to accept. The more suppressed I am, the more it throws me back into the past and triggers me. I'm just going to have to find substitutes for the lack of control that allows me to peacefully live with this, and live as optimally as my version of PTSD and life baggage will allow.

 

[therapybankrupt]

@Bubzilla That is all any of us can be expected to do. I think it lies in total acceptance of our illness .

 

[The Albatross]

I'm a yes too. I think that most all has been dealt with as best as I am able considering what I had to work with (gaps and blanks). I've been trying to be reasonably diligent on the management stuff... and think that it is about as good as it's gonna get. I have to accept the rest, and just get out there and live it, practicing for a while.