Sufferer Looking At Myself In The Mirror And At Others In The Eyes

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[cdg]

Welcome to the forum. Good luck.

 

[user17231]

Welcome to the forums. Eye contact is something that has become difficult over the years for me. This is something my therapist has focused on, and I think I'm improving on. If you're not seeing a therapist, I can't recommend enough that you start. I put it off for 2-3 years with all sorts of rationalization. My only regret now is not going sooner.

For me, it was always feeling of being exposed when I looked someone else in the eyes. Fears that they would be judging me and I'd *see* that judgement in their face. Fears that they could read my emotions, or that I might break down in front of them. Sometimes my therapist would ask me to look her in the eyes and say something very personal about how I felt about something, and I would freeze completely like she had asked me to walk off a cliff.

I guess all I'm trying to say is you're not alone.

Good luck.

 

[Abstract]

I have huge problems looking into peoples eyes and it is waxes and wanes depending on my symptoms and general state.

What I realise about a year ago was that I do this dissociative thing when I am at work or in other places where I am obliged to look at people. I "jump" "behind my eyes" and I do everything remotely from there. Still not 100 % effective as I think I still slide off peoples gaze periodically and look behind them but hugely better than if I did not.

People often look behind them to see what I am looking at! Or look to the side.

The other thing that happens is related to hypervigilence I think. Its where I think people are glaring at me or looking at me. Its a bit like paranoia.

But lastly, before I successfully treated my eating disorder, I also had body dysmorphia. There are a few areas where it reared its head. My hair, some facial features, one body part and just generally being convinced that I look like a freak. That despite having done some modelling. Going out anywhere was really difficult.

I have dealt with this too now and in retrospect I do think it was directly related to certain ways I was treated as a child.

I guess thats why I thought of body dysmorphia. I read it wrong before and thought you were saying you rarely get it Bigz but I see you say it has been hanging around for 3 years.

Do you have PTSD?

projection, projecting some of what is felt onto others

I think this is very likely too.

 

[Bigz]

Abstract. I don't know if I have that. But when I was a child, particularly 6 years of age, I was always forced by my father to study my lessons and memorize them. He is really a disciplinarian. As a child, I really can't take what he's doing because I really want to play that time. There's a time when he let me study my lessons and he will just ask me afterwards if I learned anything based on what I have studied. So waiting for me to finish, he slept. But being a 6 year-old-boy, I can't resist the temptation of playing with my neighbor who has a computer. So sneakily, I left our house. My friend and I played for an hour I think when suddenly I heard the voice of my father fetching me from my friend's house. I was really nervous that time. When I entered the room, he slapped me. He carried me and put on a sofa and slapped many times while delivering his sermon.

There are many instances that I was hurt by my father during my childhood. I was roped in the neck using his belt when I was crying because I didn't want my mother to go to office. I was hurt in the thigh using the metal of his belt in the CR just because I didn't want to wash my butt after I pooped. This incident left a scar on my left thigh because of the metal of the belt was kind of sharp or pointed. I was locked by him in the CR, without light so I was really afraid because it was really dark. There's also instance that he let me flounder and continuously slapped my butt using his belt again because I was reprimanded by the school principal because I kissed a girl on the cheeks and she cried. All of these happened when I was 5-6 years old.

I didn't understand everything at that time. But now, maybe. He did that because he wanted me to be disciplined and his acts were may be the effects of his hurts because he was undergoing chemotherapy. Yes, he has a cancer. He died when I was 7 years old.

I don't know if that can be the cause of my anxiety and what I am experiencing now. I cannot remember anything that I hated my father. I just didn't want to be with him that time because I was scared of him.

 

[Bigz]

In addition, my mother told me that my father was really a good father. He is just strict but my mother said that there's no instance that my mother cried because of my father. She said that he is really religious and a good man.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[pathos]

There are tricks for looking people in the eyes. You don't have to look directly in the eyes - you can look at their forehead, or behind their head, or even in their general direction. It will look the same. In fact, you can only look at them when they're speaking, and glance away if you need a break or if it's something uninteresting. Eye contact does not have to be maintained 100% of the time, only when something is being said that requires focus, because eye contact shows that you are paying attention. If someone's talking about another object or person, for example, you can look at that object or person and not worry about eye contact. Once you get used to looking in their general direction or at their forehead instead of the eyes, and practice this a lot, you will get more comfortable looking people in the eyes. (Note this might take a long time and it might still feel uncomfortable, but you'll have practice and know that even if you don't want to look directly in the eyes you can do those other tricks so it isn't as stressful.)

As for looking in the mirror... I have that same problem and I put it down to self-hatred. Until I look in the mirror I can pretend I look however I want, and I don't have to confront reality. When I do have to look in the mirror I sort of phase out the areas I don't need to focus on and just pretend it's someone else.

 

[Bigz]

Sometimes, I really feel looking at others in the eyes. Sometimes, I just really want to stay home alone. But I'm just worried now because it's almost 3 years that I don't really look at others in the eyes. I really don't feel it.

But thank you pathos. Good thoughts. It's almost close on what really i'm talking about. :)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It's almost close on what really i'm talking about.

If we're in the wrong area of discussion, then you as the topic creator need to nudge us in the right direction. I personally was misdiagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder because of my inability to make and/or keep eye contact. Not all of that comes from fearing eyes. A lot comes from not being socially capable and not understanding what is acceptable or not acceptable. For years the things I did to improve were look at peoples mouths, forehead or slightly to one side. Frequently I feel that my presence offends people for no reason and that they would rather I wasn't there or didn't exist. Sometimes I feel that people shouldn't have to look at me because I'm not something anyone would want to see. Sometimes I feel that when I look people in the eyes I'm simply doing it wrong, I don't really know how but just wrong.

I think people are trying to allude to the underlying causes of your feelings that people don't want to see you, for example physical scars, self-hatred, social inability, avoidance etc, etc. If you mean in a different way though, maybe you could try and tell us what you think it might be?

 

[Bigz]

My problem is I feel I'm not this person. This is not the real me. I can say that I can perform better in life if I get back to my real self where I can really do eye contact all day, without feeling uncomfortable.

What you're saying is exactly what I feel. I also feel that people don't want me to be around. Every time I look at them, they look away. Every time I look at a certain person, I think he feels uncomfortable because I'm looking at him.

I hate myself for this. I feel I'm not a person anymore because all I do is to talk without looking to whom I'm talking. This is heartbreaking.

I just want to go back to my happy self where I can stare at anyone without feeling uneasy.

I want to find the answer on how to be someone who can look at other people in the eyes. I have tried already so many things but they all didn't work.