Sufferer Looking For Help And Losing Hope

[Emotional Retard]

Hello,

I'm going through a really hard time right now, and I figured I could use some support, if anyone is willing. It seems like everyone here is in pretty much the same boat, so that already makes me feel a little less alone.

I'm a sophomore in college. I currently have no future goals or plans, and I really need to decide on a major soon, which is putting a lot of stress and pressure on me. I still live at home, and I have a little kitten. I work part-time while I go to school full-time, and I volunteer as much as I can. I've been through some unpleasant situations in my life:

• My parents are abusive and neglectful. My mother is cruel and twisted and fits with the diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder, while my alcoholic father openly admits that he emotionally abandoned me as a toddler - just me and not any of my five other siblings. My parents have never separated, and I live with them and my two younger siblings.
• I had several spinal surgeries as a young child. I had to wear body braces and use a wheel chair. When I had my first surgery at three years old the doctor required that I lay flat twenty-four hours a day for six months. I had to learn to walk again and struggled with recovery. When I was eight and had my last surgery, the doctor overdosed me on morphine, which caused me to hallucinate. I still have nightmares about that today - twelve years later.
• My mom was advised to send me to a preschool before kindergarten to help me acclimate. This was shortly after my second surgery. The bathroom was in the classroom, and there was no lock. This terrified me for some reason, and I hated using that bathroom. I had almost daily "accidents" because of this. No one did anything to help me. At one point the teacher told us four year olds about how her brother had gotten severely injured and had both legs amputated. She showed us pictures, which I can still remember vividly.
• I was bullied in elementary school for pretty much anything I did. When I had to wear a back brace in the second grade the kids would push me back and forth between them because they knew I was helpless to stop them and terrified of getting hurt. The school principle and nurse also bullied me. The secretary was friends with my mom and called her about it. I don't really remember what happened after that.

I've been in therapy for over a year now. I spent a year with one man who works at my college, and I've spent three months with a new therapist who is still in school and works at a clinic in town. Therapy has only made my life worse. I struggle daily with depression and suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep for nightmares, and my family makes things as difficult for me as they can. My therapists have tried to have me forcibly hospitalized on three separate occasions this semester, and they probably should. Life is hard, and I can't always make myself believe that it will ever be worth it.

Anna

 

[Lionheart]

Hello Anna,

I am a survivor of multiple types of child abuse. My father was an alcoholic (he passed away last year) and my mother is very critical and judgmental. I have been disabled with PTSD and Major Depression for 14 years and have been in therapy for about the same amount of time.

I wanted to tell you that in the beginning of therapy it was difficult to believe that it would get better. Therapy typically makes things worse at first, but it does get better and things continue to improve, so don't give up hope!!! I have a much better quality of life now and I am happy that I stuck with it!

I think you will find that this forum is full of understanding and compassionate people and I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there and keep going forward.

Best of luck to you,
Peace,
Lion

 

[jasonh9]

I'm not one that can offer much on how to help you but will be thinking about you and hoping for you.

 

[Promicarus]

@Emotional Retard

My heart goes out to you. Except for the spinal surgeries--which is everyone's worst nightmare, just about, much less a child's, who's trying to deal with finding a way to fit in.

My father was a cocaine addict, emotionally and verbally abusive, notoriously paranoid--and your description of your mother fits my own mother, to a tee.

I've always had problems with therapy, as well. But even though I've only been a member on the site for a short while, it's helped me immensely. Reading other's stories, and experiences, and finding out that there are those out there who care, and understand, has gone a long way, for me, already. I hope you'll stay, and that you'll find the same thing, yourself.

I've lived in that same place, for my entire life, for as long as I can remember--

Life is hard, and I can't always make myself believe that it will ever be worth it.

I know exactly how that feels. In fact, until I started reading about recovering from trauma, and then later found this site,and others like it...I was very close to just washing my hands of it.

But there is help, and there is hope--things can change dramatically. Please hang in there, and reach out for help, when you need it. Again, welcome, and hope you'll become a regular here.

 

[mirthy-mirthy]

A couple of thoughts that I try to keep in mind for myself that could be worthwhile for yourself also. First is that every creature/ life form has a right to exist because of that existence. This is part of your birthright. You, by nature of your existence are worthy of life and all of the human expectations of belonging and safety. Finding a purpose in life is difficult for most people but there is one purpose that we can all aspire to, that is to be a caring and compassionate person to ourselves and to others. Be a loving person, if nothing else. Otherwise we leave the world to those who believe in "survival of the meanest", and our species is doomed. Those people can have their miserable lives, you don't have to bother with them. Which brings me to another point, anyone can divorce their parents. I doubt that they are good for you in any way. I hope for you and wish that you find value in yourself, please take care you're worth it.

 

[RussH]

Hi Anna,
First let me say welcome to the forum; you are among friends here.

Anna, you are not an emotional retard. The people who have mistreated you may fit that name, but not you. I suspect you are far more emotionally mature than many your age because of the adversity you have faced, and overcome.

Have you talked with any of the school career counsellors regarding your major? If not, they can assist you if finding a major that will meet your skill sets.

Blessings to you young lady, I look forward to getting to know you here.

 

[Everhopeful]

Welcome dear Anna. I do not want to call you by your chosen name "Emotional Retard" because it is not a fair name for anyone.
Hope you find healing and hope you can surround yourself with positive, kind and caring people. This is a good place to start.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello Anna! Welcome! I agree with @RussH and @Everhopeful and think that Anna is a great name to go by. :tup:

I, like you, have struggled with hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. After years and years of this, only just recently have I been able to recognize that these feelings do pass and that I can get through them. Despite not wanting to, I have started to tell my T and family/friends when I am going through these times so they can give that extra support and remind me to hang on until the feelings pass.

My only other thought is that it must be difficult living with your parents. I imagine that is distressing for you. Is moving out an option for you?

Regardless I really do wish you the best. Kudos to you for reaching out for help and support.

 

[ThunderCat]

I sympathize with your troubles, I am also an older college student, who has suffered off and on from attacks from PTSD since my 20's. It has been difficult for me to attend classes at times,I remember when I was younger I would shake and sweat really bad, sometimes I would get up and leave the class quickly, but I have made it this far.

I will finish with degrees by the time I am 50; I think it is very important to think ahead and try to see/visualize yourself in a better life, write down any happy thought memory, poem anything you can think of. When you talk to the therapist try to leave it with the therapist, try to wall that off from the rest of your day (s). Therapy is very difficult to go through because of reliving things, I think you have to get past it--that is just me of course, anytime you think you are feeling suicidal, you need to call the one of those suicide hotlines. If you are receiving therapy, and talking to someone, and cooperating with a doctor, I don't think your family needs to commit you, you just need to commit yourself to staying with the plan.

Can you get a roomie to move in with possibly?

Here is to wishing you wellness and a future happiness--believe you have a future--believe in yourself!!

 

[Emotional Retard]

I want to thank all of you for your kind words! I was a bit worried about signing up here, but you all made me feel really welcome. :)

Which brings me to another point, anyone can divorce their parents. I doubt that they are good for you in any way.

That's an interesting thought... I don't know that I have the inner-strength to do that.

I do not want to call you by your chosen name "Emotional Retard" because it is not a fair name for anyone.

I was surprised to read your reactions to my username, and I suppose I should explain... My mother used to call me an emotional retard often, and I suppose I chose to use those words in the hopes that, by owning them, they might have less power over me in the future. Is that silly?

My only other thought is that it must be difficult living with your parents. I imagine that is distressing for you. Is moving out an option for you?

I appreciate you empathizing with me, and, yes, living with my parents is distressing to say the least... Unfortunately, moving out is not an option for me. I can't afford it, and I don't think I can find a roommate, @ThunderCat.

Again, thank you all!

 

[RussH]

I will say, as I said before, you are not an emotional retard, in fact given that your mom called you that, you seem to be a pretty remarkable person to me..

Sometimes parents will speak to their children out of their, the parents, own woundedness. I know that you will rise above the things that have pushed you down, and you will become a much better person than you can even imagine.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!