Looking for opinions on my mother's behavior regarding her son's pedophilia

[EveHarrington]

Denial + Facilitation

I'd contact the authorities.

If he was in the states in general population, let's just say he'd of gotten what was coming to him. At least convicts have that code (which I think is pretty awesome, truth be told).

 

[Fadeaway]

Your mom may have been fine in the past, but something is clearly wrong with her now. I bet the mother was furious that your mother would even be willing to ask. :mad:

 

[shimmerz]

I have seen this happen. More than once. An ex- girlfriend I know has a husband whose hands and comments and LIPS are all over any woman who dares to walk into their house. She complains about it when he isn't around (for her sake, not the sake of the target). Call him out on it when she is around and she attacks the target like a she bear. There is another example, but I won't bore you.

I feel that these people have a major stake in their relationship with these creeps. A mother is always a mother, you know? As a wife is always a wife unless they have come to terms with divorcing the assholes. If not, then they do all sorts of mental gymnastics to get to a place of internal peace relating to their relationship, I think.

So, yes, I am going to say this type of behaviour is not only possible, but probable in situations like this.

 

[LuckiLee]

You may be in denial about your mother....

Please don't take this the wrong way!!

But do you think she "groomed" you for your father? She definitely enabled him to hurt you. I feel she is as sick as your brother.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Muttly]

This was super hard to read and reminds me too much of my own family. From the outside, I would say denial and facilitation. I understand those aren't the terms that you are comfortable with. A lot of the questions you have about your mom, I have about my own. My mother died 6 years ago and I'm at more (still have work to do) peace with it. I don't understand how she could have done and not done those things. It makes no sense. I think I have to accept that I can't accept her actions and inactions. Hopefully that makes some sense.

reading all the comments of people suggesting things you could do, makes me think there are two ways that people react to really horrible stuff. One is the idea that it should be fixed. That's how blame the victim stuff happens. (please note, I am NOT saying anyone here is blaming the victim). If the problem can be fixed it's not quite so scary and awful. So, if something bad is happening, we tell the victim that they should have done X, Y, or Z. Or we tell the person talking about the problem, that they should report it or do this or that. That way we don't feel helpless. The other way to respond is denial. And I guess, if we are doing the denial thing, then we have to do all the "mental gymnastics" @shimmerz mentioned.

 

[Nyssa]

Thank you all for your answers and your support. It's really helpful.

I'll ask my lawyer but I don't think it makes much sense to contact the authorities now. I should be informed when my brother applies for an early release. That can't happen for another 3 years. I'll say everything I know at this point.

@scout86 and @shimmerz

Denial can be very powerful, you are right.

I tend to see denial as a condition one does not choose but adopt to survive. If they don't have a choice, they can not really be held responsible for their actions or lack of action. I am not ready to give my mother this kind of absolution. I believe she made her own choices, favouring her peace above all else, just like you said shimmerz.

Maybe I just need to accept that there are different flavors of denial.

Maybe she is now on the verge of insanity, and her denial has truly become a matter of survival.

A mother is always a mother, you know?

Well, she certainly wasn't to me....

@EveHarrington

Pedophiles have it pretty rough in France too. But this brings me no comfort. I understand how it could. It just doesn't do it for me.

@Fadeaway

I bet the mother was furious that your mother would even be willing to ask

She wasn't when she told me. It was like she just found my mother silly...

@leehalf

I don't think my mother groomed me for my father. He started to abuse me way before she displayed the enabling behaviours I described. I want to believe she had no idea her husband was abusing me, and that she now truly thinks it can not be true. But it does not really add up... and I have the hardest time accepting the idea she probably discovered or suspected it at one point and decided to sit on it.

@Muttly

I am so sorry this was hard to read for you.

I think I have to accept that I can't accept her actions and inactions. Hopefully that makes some sense.

It does. I think. I believe the internal world of abusers like my father and brother is very different than mine. So much that I don't try to understand their actions from my perspective. Maybe, I should start doing that with my mother as well.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Recently, my mother has done something I find very disturbing, and I don't know what to think of it.

I...

I read all of these responses trying to figure out your mother's motivation. I'm so glad you decided to remove yourself from such a toxic environment.
What I'm wondering is if her husband was in anyway abusive to her. Sometimes mothers (unhealthy ones) will use their daughters to keep their husbands off of them. It's sick and disgusting but true. They turn their head and are relieved that it's not them.

With your brother I think there's some denial and some enabling. It's probably very difficult to know and then accept that your child is a pedophile, not to mention that he did it to his own sibling, so looking the other way is easier and less painful than dealing with it. And asking for pictures of a child for her son is a form of enabling almost like the parents of a drug addict giving their kids money for drugs so they don't do something dangerous to get them themselves.

Even my own mother, although way less of a denial, pretended she didn't see my own drug use as a teenager because it was easier than addressing it.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Your mother is much like mine. It is not denial but acceptance. Acceptance after she noted how he acted with my nieces. She paid for his trial and he has a water view 3 bedroom condo rent free. She pays for everything. She is a social creature and no shame shall fall upon her. All kept removed and contained since he got out of jail. Nothing to do with father stuff here. Her brother and father and my brothers, yes.

Not denial internal, only external. The aiding and abetting is disturbing and I would do all you can to monitor what happens when he is released.

 

[Nessa7]

I read once that some wives of pedophiles that know what their husbands were doing feel the shame as though they were the guilty ones and that is what triggers the denial. If they accepted that their husband was a pedophile, they would place the blame on themselves for not realizing it. It makes them try to hide it as though they were the one that was a pedophile. I have a hard time understanding how someone could think like this, but the article also mentioned that pedophiles often look for spouses that appear easy to manipulate, have low self-esteem, and aren't confident. I'll look and see if I can find it. There was a child molestation case in my area that got a lot of media attention, so there was a lot of stuff in newspapers about it.

 

[user44376]

I don't believe your mother is a pedophile based on what you've told me. She may have imappropriate boundary and attachment issues with your brother and be BPD. What concerns me is the request for pictures. You weren't clear on whether they were abuse images (ie: cp) or normal photos. If they were the former your mother is guilty of attempting to access or create abuse images and needs to be charged. This doesn't even cover the myriad mental and ethical issues.

If they were normal pics, on top of a request for a visit, this tells me your mother is at the start of a very dark descent. Again minus the obvious psych and ethical issues here (by that I mean asking her family to assist) she is attempting to enable your brother's sexual dysfunction. Requests by such offenders may start off benign but always end up at abuse. If he has such control over your mother, he is in power, which is every offender's goal.

This could lead her to accessing abuse images online or, even worse, abusing children herself to provide material.

My heart goes out to you for having to deal with such horror. Watch your mother if you can. She may end causing damage that's incomprehensible.

 

[amymuse]

Recently, my mother has done something I find very disturbing, and I don't know what to think of it.

I...

I agree with you, that this behavior is not denial. Your mother is an enabler of your brother's pedophile tendencies when she tries to send him the photo. She should be confronted with it to make her responsible for her action. Who should confront her and how, needs some consideration. I would not do it alone, but perhaps together with a therapist or someone your mother respects/trusts. It might be that your mother has some abuse in her past that is driving her behavior. No matter what is behind it, the most important thing is to make her stop enabling your brother by her attitude. If not through insight, then by fear of being judged and made accountable for her actions. My best wishes for you in this difficult endeavor.

I had only read your initial post when I wrote my reply. Now I have read the rest and understand your situation differently. Am so glad that you have reconnected to your family through your cousins. It is time for your family to hear your experiences and hopefully emphasize with what you had to endure. For your own sake, you could consider confronting your mother along with a therapist for support and help.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

That's one of the most bizarre things I ever read.
I don't believe she's that blind to allow such a thing.
I kinda hope your brother never comes out of prison.
How long did they give him... let me guess... 5 years?