Looking For Other Police Officers That Can Relate.....

[Bill Dickerson]

I'm there with you Brother. Unfortunately many departments have the old mentality pull yourself by your bootstraps or he can work it out on his own. They allow Officers to melt down and even though they see it coming they don't do anything.

I've talked to the Chaplain for the department about seeing about a policy to intervene. To require an Officer to obtain assistance. He said we didn't have any problems in the department and he went on to chew me out. I talked to the Sheriff who doesn't see a problem either. At least he didn't chew me out but of course he was running for Sheriff at the time and needed my vote.

Officers are independent and often never admit to a problem since they are the ones expected to solve the problem of everyone else.

Hang in there it's not easy feeling that you don't have control since it's the one thing we are forced to do on a daily basis. Keep plugging away for your benefits and I hate saying it but I suggest a lawyer. It's extremely difficult to fight everyone for the benefits you deserve while fighting each day to get better. It sometimes takes a large load off to get legal assistance or any assistance at all.

Would you feel this way if you had lost a leg and couldn't work. Probably but for some reason because it doesn't show it doesn't really doesn't count. You have an illness that is mysterious and carries a lot of stigma. It doesn't mean it's not real and I can tell you it's difficult and it weighs on your soul.

It's important to get help. It doesn't have to be a special Police PTSD program. Lets face it Cops don't share very much. I think it has to do our hard heads. Find a good Therapist and Shrink. Meds do help but it takes time (months) to find one that works and talking to a Therapist does help. It's an outlet so your glass doesn't spill. Your glass sounds very full right now

Stay Safe

 

[mamachick]

One of the problems here in the US that I see that effect police is that they can be put on desk duty due t medication. I have worked with wives of officers. One was told that he was bi-polar, but if he went on meds he was not permitted to carry a gun. Now what sense does this make. LE are often underpaid and there should be programs in place to help them without punishment when they come forth and ask for it.

My experience is that most are good. It is very helpful for me to be able to talk to those of you an this forum. I cant imagine some of the things that you have experienced.

4real4now-Thank you. I wish I was as strong as you think. I am not. But Im going to keep on trying to eat that elephant.

 

[source1Glen]

Oh my god!!! If I'm reading correctly you guys over there don't seem to have the backup, the support from the COPS, or the proper facilities for recovery. I'm in Australia and a sufferer. I am currently undergoing inpatient treatment for PTSD and depression which involves, exercise, yoga, group and one on one therapy, reflection time and internal social network with other sufferers, whom I might add come from a variety of backgrounds, Police, Ambos, nurses, child trauma. The association with the others brings you back into line with humanity, its not always about being a COP. I was a Detective/Police officer for 21 years and there isn't a day since that I have not wanted to strap on a Glock and lock up crooks. Been off for 3 years now, and even though I was diagnosed with PTSD then, it took day one on this course to realise that I actually had it, admitting it to myself. Let me ask, does it sound familiar that I fall into periods of isolation, that I go off the handle for relatively minor things, that I cant get motivated or actually finish off a job I've started, that my wife and family are secondary PTSD sufferers.'

I've been on this course one week now, learnt alot about me. Tomorrow is scarey because its family day when the wives and (older) kids come in to learn why dad has been such an a&%#hole, and try to instill some understanding that the repair process is long and tedious. I am not entirely sure I can return fully to the old self. Also, I am very apprehensive about my family day and as a result my SUDS is hovering around the 8 mark. But its something I have to do, I dare say there will be tears, and emotions. Hmmm, I have nothing more to say about that.

My whole point to my adding to this post is to let you know that your not alone, I know, I'm many miles away but that distance can be covered in a keystroke of a computer. Take care my brothers, my extended family. My heart is with each and everyone of you. Glen

 

[Tinyflame]

Good luck to you tomorrow also Glen. You've probably passed the biggest hurdle to get help.
I am sure your famiy and wife just want you to get well.
Strength and peace to you.

 

[4real4now]

I often think "How did I get here?" when I think of PTSD. My eleven year old son tells me that he wants to be a police officer when he grows up and be just like his dad or join the military. I just cringe at the thought of him seeing terrible and tragic things. When I joined the force at 23 years old I thought about how I was going to change the world and make it a better place.

 

[Robert D. Cubby]

I'm retired LE and suffer from PTSD. Like all of you in LE, I saw my share of horrible events that took its toll on me. The breaking point was when I was in command of a tactical entry into a multi-family apartment house to apprehend two gunmen that just shot an officer. The end results of that search ended with the perpetrators killed, one officer killed and 4 others shot.

That situation, that tragedy broke me and many other officers that were involved. I was fortunate to find a good psychologist who understood PTSD and to have the fortune of a friendship with the chaplain who is a Crisis Intervention Counsellor. They have both gotten me through some rough times.

I had enough time in service to retire with full benefits so my story isn't financial needs. My story involves the continued symptoms that, although are managable and under control, still haunt me. The suggestions for seeking PTSD treatment via military is a good one. They do share many of the traumas that we suffer. In speaking to many vets suffering PTSD, outside of the location and assignments, they could have been on patrol in any police vehicle at the time. It is the only outlet we have at this point. Yes reform needs to be worked on to get police treated for PTSD. Police administrators have to get their heads out of the sand about this.

They should recognize that a stressed out officer suffering from PTSD cannot just get past it and move on. He suffers and his performance suffers as well. Excessive absenteeism, excessive brutality complaints, excessive departmental auto accidents, appearence and uniform complaints, poorly written reports, citizen complaints, domestic problems, alcohol and drug abuse. Wouldn't it make more sense to treat the officer than replace him? We need to get the legislation in place to fund treatment programs for LE. This is a national and international tragedy.

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[Bill Dickerson]

does it sound familiar that I fall into periods of isolation, that I go off the handle for relatively minor things, that I cant get motivated or actually finish off a job I've started

The symptoms you describe are very common for myself. I no longer tolerate stupid very well.

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[Robert D. Cubby]

They say it's rarely one traumatic event but a career full that reaches that breaking point where we can't cope and the PTSD symptoms take over. I mentioned my involvement in a shooting that percipitated my PTSD. But today I was reminded of yet another event in my career that certainly took its toll on me physically and mentally. I was a member of our police Emergency Squad modeled much like the ESU of the NYPD. We were housed in the old headquarters building that housed the Courts, the violations bureau , the property room and criminal identification unit. From day one I was told that there was something wrong with the building, that people were getting sick for no reason. It was when I started feeling the effects that I started to do investigating.

I found that there were leaking tanks under the buidling that housed gasoline and benzine. I went to a lawyer when the city refused to acknowledge the existence of these tanks. It was only after one ruptured that they had to acknowledge the problem. But for how many years have how many people been exposed? The discovery of the size of the problem and the length of the exposures were horrifying. 31 people died from cancer who worked in that one building, many of them police officers and their relatives. Untold numbers suffered health problems. I myself have a 4% disability of my right lung which is scarred from the exposure.

After the lawsuit was settled and the dust cleared, the building was finally reconditioned to an acceptable level for occupancy. To see 6 widows come forward with tears in their eyes thanking me for giving them closure on their police husbands' death certainly hit me hard. But to think of the total indifference to all the city personnel, particurly the police, left it's scars on more than my lungs. It scarred me emotionally. It's these events, over time, that tear us down. Witnessing things that no person should ever see has its consequences. The continued viewing day after day of horror and tragedy erodes us away much like a drop of water constantly hitting a rock. Although it appears small and inconsequential, over years even that drop of water wears a hole in that rock. Imagine what those horrors do to our emotions, our inner selves.

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[4real4now]

You sure do speak from the heart and from experience. Before I was diagnosed with PTSD I sat down with my Sgt who's also a friend of mine and told him what I was going through physically and psychologically. He told me that the "Job" will never love you as much as you love the "Job". Then he said that maybe this job wasn't for me anymore. As soon as I heard that I felt nauseous. I know that only other cops will know what I mean when I say that "I am a police officer". It's what I am more then just what I do for an occupation.

Since I have been off none of my coworkers except for one have bothered to see how I'm doing. I gave my badge to my Deputy Chief to get an updated warrant card and get my badge repaired because the clasp was coming apart in the fall. Well, I asked if it was fixed and was told that I would get it back when I recovered from my PTSD and was on full duty. It felt like a kick in the nuts! They said it was because they didn't want me to get involved with any off duty incidents that I may observe. Personally I think that it's that they don't want a member with PTSD carrying a badge. My concern is that say if I get stopped for speeding or at customs and they ask what my occupation is? What do I say when I tell them I'm a cop and I don't have the "tin" to prove it? Do I tell them it's a medical reason? I forgot it at home? I'm suspended? Just call my work and they will tell you!

I've stopped war vets and ask them how they are doing? I'd think in the back of my mind "Is this one of the postal guys?" I was ignorant on the PTSD issues and only believed what u saw on movies or on the evening news.

Now I'm that guy or should I say I'm that cop with PTSD.

 

[mamachick]

4real4now.
I know that feeling of nausea. I know the feeling of being somewhat defined by the work we do, whatever our job, it seems to become a way of life. Im sure it is in your nature to observe things that I or another untrained eye might overlook. We are more than our job, and that is hard to swallow. Not being able to do what we did can feel like failing horribly. It is not failing though, it is doing what is best for ourself. It feels like it is not our own choice, even when making that choice is the right decision.

I know that you are truthful when you say only other officers will understand that "I am a police officer more of what I am than what I do for an occupation." I have a guess that you will always be a police officer-that it is your nature. You are so much more than that. I know we often define ourself by what we do, that our self esteem is more about doing and less about being. We need to love and accept ourselves for being. Anything we do can be taken away from us. Our only certainty is our being. Yet I cant wrap my head around that yet, but still share the thought.

The more I read posts on this thread, the more I understand how important it is seeking others in the same profession. I hope that nobody is upset that I am posting here because I am not and never have been in law enforcement.

My reading here is helping me to relearn and more than that, re-discover my compassion, particularly for police. I am sorry to admit that, but I have compartmentalized officers based on a handful and that is so wrong of me. It is as though it is not a conscious choice, it is an emotional reaction. (thats my ptsd). So while I feel like I do not belong here, I am hoping that it helps with the forgiveness that I am seeking. I really think if I had the opportunity to sit down with that officer and he was able to apologize and share where he was coming from and what goes on with him to escalate to this point, I would begin to heal. Instead, I am still involved with a lawsuit.

I am sorry about your badge. I can compare that with my license which I still have. That must be very painful and seems unreasonable. Hang in there.

"I will be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced" Maya Angelou

 

[Robert D. Cubby]

4real4now
We cannot hide what has become of us. If we try to hide it, we are then denying it. It happened. We were wounded. We are bleeding to death from the wounds that nobody sees. Sometimes I wish I was actually wounded where everyone could see it. Oh the sympathy I would get then. But because it's not there for the world to see, they all think we're ok and shouldn't be complaining.

So, yes, when they ask you, tell them you are a cop on disability leave with PTSD. Maybe the more we say it, the more it sinks in to whoever we're talking to. Maybe the connection will be made that cops do get PTSD from their jobs. From a career full of seeing things, experiencing things, that no person should see or experience. That kind of exposure day in and day out over 25 years or more takes its toll.

I can understand why police departments don't want officers with PTSD being out on duty. They have an obligation to protect the public. But they also have an obligation to protect the officer. For them to dump your getting better in your lap is unfair. It should be their responsibility to get you that help.

Veterans are great sources for dealing with PTSD. Even if they don't want to talk to you about their experiences, there are many good articles written and books published on veteran PTSD. Personally, I don't see the difference between police PTSD and veteran PTSD. A bullet is a bullet. It tears down comrades the same here in the USA as it does in Iraq. Bullets fly and people die and police are involved in these incidents. I think it's not benefitting anyone by seperating the two. But that's the opinion of a police officer with PTSD. A police officer scarred by the hidden wounds of PTSD.

 

[DJF]

Hi, as a soon to be medically retired UK police sgt with 23 yrs service [withPTSD] I empathise entirely with your situation. In brief what has helped for me was a combination of EMDR [ about 7 sessions ] some CBT [ not immediately helpful ] and I was recommended by my mental health nurse, a chapter of a book [ this is not a commercial plug btw] on dealing with guilt by a Dr Burns entitled Feeling Good. Basically although this book deals with depression and how the mind can play tricks with you [ mental distortions]. I ended up reading the entire book in about a week. The combination of the EMDR sessions which although deeply distressing at first and later at home actually applying the written techniques [ie an objective self analysis to examining the feelings of guilt, anger sadness loss of self worth etc ] of this book I was able to isolate each symptom of PTSD in turn. Eventually, after about a month I made a break through and was able to contain or at least identify and then effect some measure of control at least to stop the most extreme of symptoms in public.

The author is American and I believe the book was a best seller in the US. Other books I have found to be of help relate primarily to combat PTSD but are none the less informative when it comes to perhaps the less reported areas of PTSD amongst emergency personnel and members of the public [ eg The Sharp End by John Ellis and my current read by Lord Moran The Anatomy of Courage] what is abundantly clear is that PTSD is not unique to soldiers, on the contrary, it can happen to anyone. Both books make it entirely clear, breakdown is inevitable when the mind is given to unending stressful circumstances. Inevitable. Its nothing whatsoever to do with a lack of courage or a personality trait. It will happen to anyone and it is perfectly normal. A normal reaction, your mind is telling you "no more, go and rest now you've done your bit and I've tried to tell you to stop but you didn't listen, so now I'm stepping in to protect us!" I hope this transatlantic advice is of use.