Supporter Looking To Learn More

[Oldguy]

Hi there. I am trying to learn more about PTSD so I can help my girlfriend when she is having what I call "an episode". Most the time you wouldn't know she has PTSD, but the times she shows it can be pretty intense.

We have known each other for about 3 years, and have been a couple for about a year. As indicated by the name I chose, I am older. I am ten years older than her. Not that any of that matters. We get along great and it is nice to have someone to love and care for again. She was straight up honest about having PTSD and bouts of severe depression at times, so there were no surprises. I have had to educate myself and think I have done a fair job of it.

What has prompted me to be here, is to learn and maybe get some advice. The thing that is on my mind now has to do with traveling. This is one of her "quirky" things I have had to get used to. When we go any place, she wants to know where all we are headed and in what order. If we deviate from what she has expected, she gets very anxious. The leg starts going, the grip on the door handle becomes white knuckled, and the eyes are darting everywhere. I then try to reassure her that it is okay, and I am just taking a different route or forgot about some place we needed to stop. I know she is trying to go with the flow and not say anything, but I can't help but see the rise in anxiety. She has shared with me that one of her trauma's was kidnapping and being raped, so I understand where the anxiety is coming from.

Here is my dilemma, I want to take her on a vacation/road trip. The thing is, I want to surprise her with the destination. It is someplace she has said quite often she has never been and would like to see. I am not so sure a surprise would go over very well under the circumstances. Is there any suggestions or opinions about how I might be able to accomplish this, or whether it is not realistic to consider?

Thank you in advance!

 

[desiderata310]

Might want to skip the surprise part in that manner. Instead, surprise her with something that helps her. A Garmin with the place you are headed pre programmed so that she can see turn by turn? Just a thought.
A long road trip under those conditions would be pure torture. Please don't do that.

 

[Springer80]

I am 100% with you on this Desi.

Hi Oldboy,

What would normally be a lovely thing to do for someone without this condition is not the same in these circumstances.
Lose the surprise bit. I know you want to feel like an excited school kid, having planned it all specially to show you care for her. I love that buzz when I put a lot of effort into a present and can't wait to give it the person and see their reaction.

BUT, would you really want to give her this 'treat' and all the way her body screaming RAPE at her.
It's hardly, going to be an enjoyable stay for her once you get there.

I love the Garmin. What about putting a message in her phone calendar on the day of the trip with the destination and pre-programming the sat nav like Desi said. Once your their you could do a surprise? Like are there any nice visitor attractions or a picnic or something.

I really think the best present you could give her is to allow her the control she needs, respect her need for it and build in a surprise she can handle, like a sweater, or a nice meal.

Good luck :)

 

[digger]

I've no idea what a Garmin is, but yeah, I would lose the surprise bit too. Choosing something that you know is going to stress or trigger her like that - not a good plan in my opinion. She is just going to be so stressed and anxious by the time you get there she won't be able to enjoy it.

If you want to keep some surprise in it, make the surprise bit before hand. Brochures of the place in the mail or wrapped up as a gift maybe?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You can "surprise" her with this trip, but I would do it in such a way that you are doing the planning, etc in advance, and then "surprising" her (again, in advance) with the planned trip, with the understanding that things are flexible, can change, etc. This way you can still have a "surprise" but she won't freak out in the end because she will still know in advance everything that is going to happen. You could say something like "Sweetie, I know you have been wanting to take this trip and I have wanted to make it a reality for you." You can then tell her where you are going, where you are staying, what you will be doing, where you will be eating, (or rather possible options for all of these things) so that she can maintain a sense of safety and enjoy the trip.

But in terms of having it be a surprise in the normal sense where you take her away and she knows nothing of the trip? Not a good idea. Yes, if she was not a survivor, and did not have such issues to work through, this would be a wonderful idea, but sadly, PTSD makes us change our lives because what normal people like/love, we cannot handle in the least.

Do you know anything about safety? It is near the bottom of the pyramid of human needs (right above food/shelter/water). I have found that most people have no real idea what it is like to feel unsafe and so they don't take into consideration that we have this special need. I am not blaming you, as safety is something that is so engrained into most of us that it is difficult to even fathom what it is like to be unsafe. I can't tell you how many times I have been told "well, we have locks on the doors...." I am saying all of this so that you can possibly look up the topic of safety as it pertains to PTSD so you can get a greater understanding of it. Safety is not one of those things that should be messed with in the least. It is "rational" for our minds to have safety issues, but it is seen as an "unrational" thing to most other people. This is part of the reason why it can be so difficult to understand. So, I hope you can read up on safety, because I think it is a huge part of what your partner struggles with.

 

[desiderata310]

I like what Solara said. It's not just safety but control, too. If that is taken away, if you were made to feel helpless you NEED it in all things. I was made to feel helpless and I have a pathological NEED to control my environment. I HATE surprises. I don't like other people to drive me anywhere. I have to be in control because if I am in control I know I am safe or at least, that's what the lizard part of my brain is telling me.

I would also read up on the actual science of PTSD- what's going on in the brain. It isn't a choice. It isn't something she can help or that you can magically love away. It isn't going to heal on its own. This damage that happened in her brain that keeps her brain in that high alert mode. Wishing it away isn't going to work. If she has panic attacks, flashbacks etc, the next most loving and supporting thing you can do is suggest that she see a therapist who works in trauma if she isn't already.

And by the way, I get that she might be resistant to the idea since I fought it for decades and only started because I hit an ugly rock bottom place. It has to be her decision but you can gently suggest. There's such a stigma that goes with seeing a therapist. Mine actually changed my opinion of therapy this past week when he pointed out that this is actually a MEDICAL condition that manifests with behavioral problems.

BTW, Digger, a Garmin, is this awesome little device that you can program to give you turn by turn directions from your current location to your destination. It will show you a current position, heading, next turn and overview of your trip on interactive maps. It's designed to sit on your dashboard in the car.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Solara is spot on. '1000' likes.

Same as above, something like "I know you've always said you'd love to go there, & I would like to take you. What do you think? We can change it if you like".. etc.

Good luck! :) :tup:

 

[Meadowsweet]

Firstly, it lovely to hear from someone who sounds genuinely loving and supportive.

But like others have said, given that your wife is understandably triggered by not knowing where she is being taken, doing the surprise that way doesn't sound like a 'nice' surprise. Like Solara said, perhaps the surprise is better given over a nice meal at home in plenty of advance so that she has time to prepare herself for going on the trip.

Or, when in doubt, ask - "I have booked us a special trip that you've told me you would love. Now, do you want it to be a surprise until we get there, or do you want to know what it is now?"

I think the joy of surprises tends to come from the adrenaline of excitement, but fear and excitement are very closely linked, It's not that unusual for people with PTSD to find anticipation type of excitement stressful.

But, looking at this from a different angle, if you are somebody that really enjoys surprises, then rather than surprise your partner, perhaps it would be something that she can do for you - maybe you could ask her to plan a surprise trip for you.

 

[Friday]

Hmmmm....

CombatPTSD by any chance?

I'm over in the other forum mostly, and it seems like people split into 2 groups....

- Plan everything down to not only the minute, down to the liter of fuel used
- Wing it

But neither the twain shall meet.
I don't see that little facet IRL in non-military sorts, which is why I ask.

I'm in the "let's wing it" category... Too much planning and I'm an inch away from kiting off the reservation throwing wrenches as I go to confuse people... But one of my besties IRL has the logistics hardon (also military PTSD). I love them to bits, and I'll even help em wig out with their plans within plans, and routes, and contingency plans (I can do it academically, just not in my own life).

He. Loves. It.

Maps, charts, inventory, routes, alternate routes, fuel estimates, gear, mileage charts for enroute...

His wife is a saint. 3" of paperwork for a 5hr schlep to granny's house with the kids. Plus she's learned to always save "spontaneous" for the return trip. Meaning if she wants to divert from the route (friend, shopping, what ever) she gives him a list to calculate into their return.

So... If that might be your GF at all... Try letting the surprise be the trip itself (that it's coming) along with a stack of notebooks for estimating fuel, routes, and places you wanna go. Let her geek out on the logistics. If she's anything like my friend, that will actually be half the "fun".

Just a thought. Might not apply at all, I know.

 

[desiderata310]

That would actually appeal to me and my brain! I am a planner. I have to know EVERYTHING. Not knowing something stresses me out to the nth degree!! I would COMPLETELY geek out on the logistics of it all but I would also have to be the one behind the wheel.. at least a good portion of the time.

Wow... I am a weirdo :p

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have had similar trauma as your girlfriend. Please, no surprises. Don't leave the keys in the ignition if you run in a store for coffee or to pay for gas. Unless she requests you leave the AC on. She might like to lock the doors if you disappear in an unknown place.

I print out maps, very detailed maps, of where I'm going in addition to my Garmin. I study where I'm going ahead of time.

Motel rooms on the second floor or higher. AC in the room so she doesn't HAVE to sleep with an open window. If you go for a hike walk at her pace so she doesn't lose sight of you. You are her safety, her internal safety is broken.

Safe surprises? Stores that carry things she likes maybe antiquing. A special restaurant. But by far the best surprise you'll give her is that you took the time and energy to consider her needs! Awesome.

 

[blackswan]

@Oldguy - one supporter to another, it's really nice to hear about the good and happy times. I don't have anything to add but thank you for sharing!

...this is actually a MEDICAL condition that manifests with behavioral problems.

Just cruising around the forum and thanks, I needed that reminder today.