Looking To Move On To My New Real Life - Stuck On The Current, Because Of The Past

[somegirl]

Good day,

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago but never really looked into it because I just figured the doctor might have made a mistake or something. About 2 months ago, I started a "stress leave" from work and the insurance stepped-in requiring a medical note. When the doctor reiterated the PTSD, I looked into it. It didn't make sense to me until I discovered C-PTSD and ever since, it has made a huge difference for me to understand the things I've been doing all my life.

As it stands, I'm currently doing tons of research and trying to reach out to a psychologist so that I can get a move on this. Knowing that it's possible to get passed these feelings gives me a lot of hope. However, hope sometimes turns into pressure... I feel that I'm getting older and would love to have kids with my boyfriend one day and feel that if I don't get this under control soon, I won't be able to have that.

I'm eager to resolve my issues from the past and finally talk to someone knowing that it's okay. However, right now, my biggest concern is my current relationship. I've gone far enough to know that I'm being excessively jealous out of insecurity, and that that itself stems from the cause of my PTSD. I'm scared that I am going to drive my boyfriend away before I get better. And this, despite his reassurance that he wants to be with me and is not going to let me go.

In the meantime, I can't figure out why it is I do things that I know provoke my anxiety and jealousy. For example, I have stayed away from face book for a long time because I don't want to see my boyfriend having a life... yet today, I creeped it and my body shook, I sweated, I got anxious and yet didn't pull myself away until a while beyond that.

I'll also ask questions that inevitably worry me and say things that are hurtful to get a reaction. I never actually feel as if he is having an affair or anything. I'm constantly worried at the seedlings that could lead to that option down the road. And by seedlings, I mean him clicking with a female co-worker; having something in common, which in my brain, inevitably brings his decision to pursue it.

I want to stop thoughts and actions like that in myself but I also want desperately to be "normal". Sometimes I'm super open and honest with him about these things and I ask him to not try to protect me (by not talking about the women at work), so that I can learn to deal with what is normal. It doesn't alway work though. And on my bad days, I seem to throw his attempts to help me right back in his face. It's very conflicting to be so fragile yet want to be so strong.

I'm not sure this post makes sense but I'm glad for the opportunity to put my thoughts down. Somehow the Internet seems safer than writing this on paper.

I hope to get help soon so I can stop burdening him, then I can start to live my life and move on to my real life and start a family.

 

[amethist]

Hi somegirl

Welcome to the forum.

Your post makes perfect sense, from start to finish.

The confusion of dealing with PTSD, along with the insecurities of trying to handle a relationship at the same time, can be difficult. That said, relationships can survive and keep going, it just takes a bit more patience and understanding from both sufferer and carer.

If you know that Face Book, can raise your anxiety and jealousy, then stay away from it for now. Just until you have had some time to find a therapist, then move back to it when you feel calmer and less reactive to it.

Please do not rush any thing, the recovery from PTSD takes time, everything has to be done slowly, one step at a time. If you push too hard too fast, it could come crashing down on you. It is one of those 3 steps forward 2 steps back things, but still moving that 1 step forward is still an improvement.

Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be, so if you can except that, it is one of those 1 step forward things.

Take care and don't rush.

Amethist

 

[PTSD and Me]

I had to reply and say I felt your confusion when I read your post. Especially the fragile / strong paradox of PTSD. I don't have much to offer except that the more you let your boyfriend in to your fears and insecurities calmly and give him a chance to fully understand how you feel (even if you feel that it's not rational or justifable) the better he will be able to contribute to you having a "normal" life together. And you will learn too.

I once also believed that I was fundamentally unloveable, insufferable and would never have a meaningful relationship or family. That was probably only 6 or 7 years ago. Now my husband of the last three years tells me he loves that I'm "multi-faceted", I am empathetic to people, do not suffer injustice well, and I can be "a delicate flower" in one situation and then get my sense of indignation up and "go Chernoble" in another. (He has a lot of great descriptive words!)

It is possible, and it's hard work, but it's worth it... oh, and one more thing. Never aspire to normal, normal is incredibly boring. The most fun is to know and acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses as well as those of your partner. My husband has AD/HD. We have a fantastic relationship, but no one thinks of us as normal. We wouldn't want it any other way. :o)

All the best to you, you can do anything you aspire to.

 

[somegirl]

Thank you both for your replies. It really makes a huge difference to feel understood!

Amethist - When you said that my post made sense, I cried. Also when you said that my boyfriend is with me because he wants to be. He's tried to say that many times but never quite as directly and I think that helps a lot. Thank you!

PTSD and Me - It was neat to hear - or remember - not to strive for "normal"... that is what I've been doing all my life; covering up so that people never know the truth. But you are right. Accepting myself for who I am is way better than striving for the image that I think others want to see from me. That mindset takes a chunk of the pressure away.

I'm not entirely sure how forums work exactly, so I'm wondering about how to tell my story... Do i continue on this thread? Do I start a new thread? Do I wait until I've been "validated" or whatever the term is for the account activation? I think that it might feel good to get it off my chest.

My quest for a therapist isn't going as I imagine it should. Somehow the contact just isn't made and it starts to feel as if it is fated to be that way (so that I don't end up with someone who won't understand or help me). That being said, I've done tons of research into the kind of therapy I feel I would respond to and into the therapists in my area. One place specializes in my type of trauma yet they hold very limited office hours and haven't called back yet (i missed the first call back) :( There are 15 more minutes to their workday before I have to wait 2 more days in hopes they get back to me then. Sucks!

Anyway, thanks for the read and reply. I appreciate direction on the forum.

Take care :)

 

[amethist]

Hi somegirl

You now have access to the rest of the forum to post or reply. So you can start a new thread if you wish in the area you feel that your question or story fits best.

If you are not sure just read a few of the other members post, you will have a better idea then. Just take it slowly, 1 step at a time again.

Amethist