Losing control while gaining control. self hitting.

[Dumav]

A long time ago I experienced this and it's happening again.

My "crazy" is coming out. Twice in the last week I've begun to feel an extreme loss of control where I've been afraid I will become violent as in uncontrolled spanking or something with my kid. I start smacking myself really hard repeatedly instead. I'd prefer this that unleash these emotions on my children but I don't like doing it to myself either. It's not intentional, I'm not trying to do it. He's seen me do it once which is even worse. This morning I broke down afterwards with sobbing and he heard and came out to comfort me. I don't want him to experience this. I want to stop but can't. I feel so out of control.

I take lamictal and buspar. Long ago I was on an antipsychotic (risperdone) as well. Maybe I need to go back on it but I don't want to, it's too sedating. There has to be another way but I feel I have no time to "ground" myself in a healthy way when this happens.

Currently exploring dissociation in therapy... could this be part of it?

 

[Damuk]

Currently exploring dissociation in therapy... could this be part of it?

I'm not sure. Maybe your stress cup is overflowing? Are there stresses in areas of your life that you can reduce while you are going through this difficult period?

 

[Dumav]

I'm not sure. Maybe your stress cup is overflowing? Are there stresses in areas of your life that you can reduce while y...

Yes my stress cup is beyond overflowing... but no way to reduce the stressors. :(

 

[Efof]

but no way to reduce the stressors.

Nope. there isn't usually but are there ways that you can do something you enjoy. Folks like to call it self care.
For me that's doing things like running, swimming, surfing or cycling but for you it might be knitting or hitting a ping pong ball or watching a really funny movie or watching stupid cat videos.

What's that thing that you do that you REALLY enjoy doing?

 

[Oluma]

I challenge the idea that you can't reduce your stressors. Lifestyle changes are possible, maybe even necessary, when dealing with PTSD.