Losing It Today

[iwannadeletethis]

its such a hard day. I've been without work for just under a month and I'm feeling so trapped. My days are just full of paranoia. I've slowly shaved off anything I care about throughout my life so I don't have to feel this way. Now all I have left if my boyfriend and his kids and I'm afraid I'll push them away with my anxiety. No friends or family, I burned all of my bridges when I was young and angry. Then I stopped believing in God so the church turned on me too. All I can think about is grabbing my back pack and walking away. Alone and away with nothing left. Because I can't tell which is greater: the fear of losing someone else, or the fear of being alone.

 

[Bookoffee]

I am in the boat rowing with you.

 

[Anrish]

As long as you're with you...you can do something. I'm in a very similar situation - still have my family, but we're not that close...and I try to do things for myself, just for me - the work I want to, the sport I want to do...

Being alone is harder for me than losing someone...I don't have many friends and so I'm also afraid that they might turn away from me one day, but I don't wanna miss them - and so I tell them that I like and need them...not to pressure them, but not to feel so alone myself. Sorry, didn't make so much sense, I fear...

Thinking of you and I hope you'll find your way.

 

[Changing4Best]

God still loves us, no matter what we do to push Him away.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

up to chat all day long if you need a buddy!! @Bookoffee

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I appreciate it!! @SheilaKathy , but I don't believe in God.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

Thanks so much @Anrish !! Your input made perfect sense, no worries!! If only the things I loved to do were more acceptable where I live. Im in this huge city.. And bartending is a competitive artificial sh*t show. And I'm just the opposit of those things. i love the art of knife throwing, but try doing that in the city. I just got shut down for that this morning. So I can't love what I do, and I can't do what I love in my spare time. Everything else costs money. My boyfriend has his business here, so it's not like we're moving. I dunno. Maybe the solution to this is finding creative things to do in my spare time. Haha. I dunno.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

(((@Skitzii)))

 

[iwannadeletethis]

(((@Skitzii)))

@Cj77 ... What do the perinthesis mean? Lol

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Lol, I was sending you a virtual hug to show I can relate to how you feel. Sorry, words not coming easy for me tonight!

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I love it!!! (((@Cj77 )))) back atcha!! If you need a buddy, I'm available to chat!!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Thanks! I will chat with you at some point. Right now I really gotta get me some :sleep::sleep::sleep:zzz, I have had a stressful week.