Relationship Losing it.

[Cleo1521]

Since your boundaries have no consequences for when they are crossed, you essentially have no bou...

I don’t even know how to go about saying it without making him blow up and disappear again.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hmm.

I think it may be time to call it quits if he cannot even handle normal boundary setting. Boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship.

 

[Hojay]

I don’t even know how to go about saying it without making him blow up and disappear again.

He’s holding you hostage to the demands of his illness. It’s a little like emotional blackmail: “you open your mouth, I leave.” It’s a power game (who knows, though, how consciously he’s doing it,) wherein your power will have to lay in speaking up no matter the consequences.

He will lose his power as soon as you strengthen yourself to a point where staying true to yourself and knowing that you matter is MORE important than him and your relationship. This has nothing to do with him. This is about you and your self worth, faith in yourself, and confidence. Truthfully, that’s the only basis any conversation can be fruitful. It’s the basis of boundaries and there’s a chance that he will finally respect them. But you have to take your power back and come to terms with the choices he will make as a reaction, which, sadly, you will never have any control over. He’s his own person. No matter what he tries to tell you, his actions and reactions are not your fault, nor your responsibility. Confusing, I know, but that’s not an opinion, that’s a fact of life.

And speaking of control, not speaking up is a subtle way of trying to control the situation. And I don’t blame you. These things are wildly out of control. But it’s a bit of an illusion, that control thing. Also sad, and also true.

 

[Cleo1521]

He’s holding you hostage to the demands of his illness. It’s a little like emotional blackmail: “yo...

I’m going to save this and reread it over and over. I’ve been the closest person to him, but he’s really good at faking it with others. I’ve let that get to me in thinking this is my fault. I don’t even know if faking it is the right word. I’m just more aware of the state he’s really in and it’s been me paying for it. A lot of my own suffering is my fault, but I feel helpless and sad for him. I don’t know if he even realizes what he does most days. I’ve read the stress cup theory and with him it’s almost when things are good that’s when he leaves.

 

[Hojay]

I’ve been the closest person to him, but he’s really good at faking it with others. I’ve let that get to me in thinking this is my fault.

I hear you. It feels like a huge responsibility when someone with real (and understandable) issues singles you out as their one "safe" person. It feels good even, like there's a special bond.

But the thing is, it's unfair. Because it's a projection on his part. And he's holding you hostage to that projection: if you do X or say Z, I will disappear. And where it gets even more complicated with PTSD is that often the X or Z that we do is, by all objective standards, normal, understandable, and healthy. Just not to them.

Projections are so very unfair because in being ourselves, we're potentially shattering the image of us the other needs to uphold the relationship. It's a huge cross to bear, being responsible for keeping all that up so the other will stay.

You're not a projection. You're a real human being. And it that, you are not responsible for his mental equilibrium. He is, and he'll always be. Because he is (as I'm assuming) a grown ass man.

But I get how hard it is to disentangle yourself from that when the other has done such a good job of defining the terms of conditions, and with such harshly enforced consequences. Thing is, you have the right to define terms and conditions as well. He is not more important, nor more powerful than you are. Stop focusing on why he's doing what he's doing (we all know the drill, PTSD. Horrible things have happend,) and start focusing on whether or not you'd find his behavior acceptable were he not suffering from PTSD.

 

[Cleo1521]

I hear you. It feels like a huge responsibility when someone with real (and understandable) issues single...

His behavior is 100% unacceptable and if the circumstances were different...no way in hell I would drag myself through this.

Would you suggest saying something now or waiting until the weekend?

 

[Hojay]

@Cleo1521 Yes, I hear ya. But then the illness comes in, and the compassion and understanding, etc. et al. It took me a long time to understand what actually calls for a lot of compassion (panic attacks, irrational fears, tiredness, dissociation etc.) and what doesn't (finger pointing, lashing out, blame gaming, disappearing, rants, aggression, projecting, threatening to leave, and much more.) I came into this forum a long while ago not knowing that they do, in fact, have a choice in how they react. PTSD isn't a choice. What they do with it, very much. That blew my mind. Once that firmly landed, nope, no way I'd be excusing some of this stuff with PTSD anymore. Jig was up. A lot changed for us then.

 

[Cleo1521]

@Cleo1521 Yes, I hear ya. But then the illness comes in, and the compassion and unders...

How did you go about it? I feel like all I can do at this point is say I’m done accepting and making excuses for the way he treats me.

 

[Hojay]

Would you suggest saying something now or waiting until the weekend?

Given how volatile you said it can get, my suggestion would be this: give up any and all expectation that this trip will take place. Drop it as a possibility (alternately, if feasible, ask a close friend if they'd go with you should he bail. Or not, depending on what this trip is about.) Don't mention any of it till after the weekend. Use the time to deal with your own anger, disappointment, and confusion. Don't focus on him and what he's doing, not doing, thinking, or not thinking. Since you've dropped the possibility that this trip will take place, you can focus on what's really going on, all of the above. After the weekend would be a good time to talk, when you're ready, and feeling a little stronger. How and in what way, is another question. But there's time. No need to rush this at this point.

 

[Hojay]

How did you go about it?

Well, that's a bit of a complex matter. In essence, I started by looking at my own pattern of reaction that was keeping things as they were. Predictable reactions that I knew would not get me very far. E.g. engaging when he started ranting, trying to speak with him when he'd clearly already gone off the deep end. I stopped that and started backing off. Physically, emotionally.

I started taking responsibility for my own actions and stopped taking responsibility for his. I started being very consistent with all of this. He started learning that certain behaviors would get him a certain reaction. I stopped talking so much and started actually doing. I stopped threatened I would do X when he did Y, and started actually doing X when he did Y--no explanation. I stopped chasing him when he withdrew to "make a point." I stopped playing the part and started living boundaries, instead of just talking about them.

There's a lot more in all of this, so maybe if you can get clear where in the timeline you "fold," it's easier to see where you could get some agency back for yourself?

The issue is, though, it takes two for this to work. When your best attempts at setting boundaries are met with him disappearing, there's nothing to "work with" in terms of a relationship. That's a choice he's making. Not because you're boundary setting is such a horrid thing to do, but because he can't handle it. And there's little you can do to change that--without selling yourself out, that is. Which you're seeing now is a horribly painful place to be in.

 

[Cleo1521]

Given how volatile you said it can get, my suggestion would be this: give up any and all expectation that...

I thought about it most the day and I’ll probably end up saying nothing at all. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He knows if he bails on me I’ll be upset. He’ll be expecting me to say something and I think I’ve said enough at this point.

 

[Mytime]

If you can go away with a friend for the weekend. Go and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait around, it’s great having a life with friends outside of your relationship.