Losing My Marriage

[Maher1998]

So, I introduced myself a few days ago and briefly outlined a few things with about me. 1.) I have PTSD 2.) It's changed my behavior to follow lines of compulsive lying 3.) PTSD/Me is ruining my marriage.

I've fallen into a severe depression. I lied to my husband about the real reason I was terminated from my job. He found my discharge paperwork and confronted me about it. We end up going to marriage counseling the next day. I have this opportunity to "own" up to any other things I wanted to tell my husband. I decide to keep the fact that I was actually suspended for 5 days leading up to my termination a secret from him. (I deluded myself into thinking I was doing that for his benefit.) Despite having the opportunity to "fess up" in our counseling I decide not to. Things are terrible afterwards. It's horrible and awkward and there was discussion about separating, about him setting a boundary for how much more he could take and a pointed discussion about concern for me. Concern at my attitude, concerns for my stability, concerns for my ability to think rationally about things.

Well, the next night we are in the living room. Him on one side of the sofa, me on the other. I was consumed by guilt for not owning up the day we were in therapy. So....I told him. I thought it was the right thing to do. It didn't feel like it. He was angry and upset. He couldn't understand why I didn't disclose this in therapy when I had a chance. I felt like shit. I started to spiral into this wretched depression.

The next morning I awake (we slept in different rooms) and all I feel is this huge crushing weight of remorse, and guilt and shame for all the trials I've put our relationship through. This is totally different for me. Usually when I feel "bad things" I'll hide from them. I hide through deceit, hide through shopping, hide through helping others, hide through ignoring it. But not this time, this is the first time that remorse and shame and grief have filled me to such a large degree.

I'm so scared of losing my husband. I've put him through hell. On top of that our one year anniversary is on Tuesday. We decided that we aren't going to celebrate it because there is nothing worth celebrating. That's what our life has boiled down to. Me failing to take the steps necessary to get better and staring in wide eyed confusion as the pieces fall all around me.

I just hope it's not too late for us.

 

[Sideways]

I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now.

For what it's worth, and despite the feelings that are overwhelming you, I think you did the right thing being honest with your husband. He's entitled to his feelings, and if he's feeling angry and disappointed, that's okay. It's an indication that you matter to him on a very personal level. And you've hurt him, but hurt can be healed.

The guilt and shame that you feel are so common with ptsd, and overcoming them isn't a quick fix. But working towards feeling safe with your husband (feeling safe with the rest of the world can wait) is potentially going to be a game changer for you, for him, and for your relationship together.

Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on what you have. The fact that your husband was angry makes him human, but it doesn't necessarily mean you aren't completely and utterly safe with him, even with the things that feel the most shameful. More importantly, the fact that he was angry doesn't mean he doesn't love you - to the contrary, it may mean that he loves you very much.

Hope you get some peace and respite from your depression. Don't give up.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think perhaps the only way to get on the right path is to make a list of everything that you've been deceitful about and give him the list. Don't hold back on anything. A healthy relationship can only happen in the presence of trust. This is your chance---- No more holding back to protect others.

 

[Bine]

I do feel sorry to hear about your issues...But the right thing to do is to stop concealing the truth. The ones we love most of all deserve to know what is happening. I understand that you wanted to protect him and did not know what to do. However, I think that if he really loves you, he will understand.

 

[The Albatross]

My mister did that to me... was encouraged to fess up by our shrink and didn't. Only mine didn't confess later... he decided to let things progress until he just got caught. We're still married but it wasn't easy and took a lot of things to work through jointly and independently (and I'm "the" PTSD)... but the feelings you're having are a natural consequence of your knee jerk response/behavior to stick to the lie or withhold... at least you had an attack of conscience, but he may have felt sabotaged because you chose to come clean in a way that was not mediated by your therapist.

Me? I went ballistic and did not handle it well. But, like I said... we're still married and it took a lot of work but we're through the worst of it... he stopped the behaviors but was willing to submit himself to the authority of an independent mediator for over 3 years... not an easy row to hoe for him but it's where I drew the line for him to stay in the home.