Losing My Wife, Kids, And House To Ptsd... I Think

[Simon B. Smith]

Hi all. I'm not sure where else to turn so I'm writing here. I suffer from PTSD from multiple traumatic events that have happened at various points in my life. I'm 36 years old, married to someone that I think of as my dream girl, we have two wonderful daughters age 2 and 4, and a very nice house that we just purchase a year ago. Just recently I started going to therapy for my PTSD (again). This time my wife and I are going to couples therapy (we've been married for 7 years) and I go on my own once per week. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that she's about to tell me she wants a divorce.

She's drained by my reactions, anxiety issues, etc. and I can't blame her. I keep telling her that I am working on them, and I am, and she does say that she sees significant progress. But when I tell her that I think we can have a great life with each other she just makes a sour face and tells me "I'm not so sure". She tells me that living with me is like having another child, which I don't fully understand. She tells me that I drain her and I can see that I do some how.

As for me, I'm a very successful business owner, athletic, and work my ass off at being a great father and husband. But even with all of that effort I am still failing. I am still causing her stress, frustration, and emotional drainage.

The worst part is that I have nobody else in my life like her. Without her I am truly and totally alone. I have no other source of love (that's still alive) and I don't love anyone the way that I love her. For me, the thought of losing her is the same the thought of total annihilation. I really would lose everything, but I can't tell her that because that's unfair to her. And yes, I have told my therapist this.

What can I do to make things right? What's wrong with me? I feel like I have a disease that slowly kills the things that I love the most. I'm really scared here, and very much afraid of what will happen if she does decide to leave me. Help?

 

[JustBe]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like you are working hard to save your marriage. You will find support here.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Simon,

It is difficult for families to deal with PTSD, and it puts a unique strain on relationships. Phrases like "another child" would leave me very confused. Unless a person is specific, it is difficult for me to identify what the issue is. I don't know if she has been specific, but it is a good place to start.

Also, even living with someone who has PTSD can leave their partner in the dark as to what that really means. There is some great information for supporters, in the Supporter Section, that you may want to share.

But it is also important to remember that relationships involve two people. How you feel and what you want is just as important as how she feels and what she wants. Most importantly, it is not about what has happened or who is at fault, it is about what we need to do to move forward from this point in a relationship that is as healthy and fulfilling as it can be from this point on.

I hope you find this site supportive and helpful.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[saffy]

Hi Simon
Welcome to the forum

I hope you find some support on here and it would also benefit if your partner could come on too and look at the supporters posts.

I have learnt that one of the symptoms is hypervigilance, which can make you edgy, but I also think that it can make you over reactive or over analytical to what other people say and/or do. if that makes sense

I think you have to ask what was meant by another child, In one context it could be that she is constantly tidying up after you, but it could also mean that she is constantly worrying about you like she would a child.?

You are going in the right direction with counselling ect and it is early days. But it sounds like you have a loving and caring family and that at the moment you are all going through an emotional time. So yes it would be expected that there will be emotional exhaustion.

Things will improve with time and understanding :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure what that means either Simon, but only she can tell you what she meant. Perhaps you can ask her at a good moment, with the attitude of trying to hear her and not blame either one of you. Keep working on yourself and try to understand perhaps she is worn out too. And keep going to T together.

I think you should tell her what you told your T, perhaps she feels unsure of how much you love her. Maybe you can take a mini-break together, some time without the kids.

Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[LizardViolet]

Sorry to hear that things are tough right now. But it's a very good thing that you are actively working to mend yourself and your relationship.

I don't know you and I don't know any more about your situation than what you've posted. But I can say, as a mother, that it's a LOT of work to have two kids under 4. You haven't said whether your wife stays home with the kids or whether she works outside the home, but in either case, if it were me, I'd be pretty worn out.

My husband did not suffer any trauma and is in fact pretty well adjusted, but even so, things were stressful in our marriage when our one child was very young. He sometimes felt neglected because after dealing with parenting, I didn't have any spare energy for him and just wanted to have some time to myself. I know it would have been very, very difficult to have a child with my boyfriend, who has suffered multiple traumas, from childhood abuse and from his military service. He needs a lot more attention than my husband, and he would have been much less available to co-parent. I have to be calmer and more patient with my boyfriend, I can't really criticize him or express anger toward him, and unlike my husband, occasionally my boyfriend has tantrums (of a sort). If I had been up all night with a sick kid and was at the end of my rope and said something careless to my boyfriend, I could imagine that he'd withdraw or take offense and it's very possible I would not have gotten the help I needed in co-parenting.

I love my boyfriend and I accommodate his ptsd. But he has a hard enough time taking care of himself sometimes.

I hope that you will do your best to listen to your wife without judgement and without getting defensive, and that you can get some specific suggestions from her and/or from your therapist. I hope you both can work things out and that you can move forward productively with your healing.

Both of you might find this forum useful. It can be good to see how others' experiences are similar to your own, and I have certainly gained perspective from the posts of both sufferers and supporters.

 

[TeaLeaf]

It is a good sign that your wife is going to therapy with you. This means there is a part of her that wants to try. It is also good to hear that she feels trusting and close enough with you to share her doubts with you about the marriage. If she did not, she would just leave and you wouldn't be given a chance to work on things.

Maybe when she says that she is "not so sure", that you could say something like, "that makes me sad to hear that, I really love you and will do everything to make this marriage work. What is it that I can do for you now or what is it that you most need from me?" That lets her get her grievances out in the open; from her comment of describing you as another child, it sounds like maybe her needs were set aside too many times and she doesn't want to go on like that. I agree with the other posters that say to ask what she means by saying you are like another child.

I have been married for 4 years and with my husband for 10, one thing that I learned is that my PTSD reactions are draining on him at times and he can't put his needs aside all the time. What I mean by that is that your wife cannot be your only support in this, who you always ask for help from first and bear the brunt of your PTSD. You sound like you are sort of isolated from the rest of the world. I strongly recommend you reach out for other support such as joining a support group, sharing how you feel with your friends (if you have them, you didn't mention) and when you are able to, make more friends that you can share things with.

Something I learned from my marriage counselor was that as individuals, we should always turn to ourselves first to fix a problem before turning to a spouse. Let me tell you, I was not happy to hear this but it has really helped my marriage a lot. This means that you should first think about the issues and use your coping skills- I use yoga, writing, short moments of distraction, this online forum, cooking and gratitude for what I have. Then if your spouse if burned out, turn to a therapist first, or your friends. PTSD can be draining for a spouse and sometimes us PTSD sufferers don't see that right away.

Try not to think to much about the "what ifs" of if your wife should leave. You don't know that she is definitely going to do that, take things one day at a time and do what you can to heal your marriage.

 

[Darbi Jacob]

I went through my trauma 4 years ago and my husband couldn't handle the outcome it had on me either. We did not have children and I offered him a divorce to set him free. Sadly, he took it but I needed to know. I myself am a victim of a long term stalker who eventually brutally beat and raped me in a stairwell when I was leaving my office one night. I went through a long painful criminal trial after and am now on disability as I've become Agoraphobic. Men ask me out all the time that knew me before the ordeal and learned of my divorce but I've tried at least 4 times and it keeps coming down to no one really getting my periods of depression, self hurting and of course my not being comfortable in public any more. I am now looking into Electroconvulsive Therapy. I have been hearing great things about it. Anyway, looking for like minds to share with. darbi

 

[Shellbell]

Simon, this is my greatest fear - losing my family due to this illness. And I have no family other than my husband and children, so I understand that fear of being completely alone.

There is a lot of really good advice on this thread, and I hope it has helped you.