Losing Support But Feeling As Bad As Ever

[Atychiphobia]

For the last few months I've been in a particularly bad state, my dissociation was at extreme levels and I was harming myself during those 'time gaps'. Whenever I was present my flashbacks were regular and unbearable plus my anxiety made doing almost anything impossible, unfortunately including attending therapy regularly.

Now, my dissociation has lowered to a much more manageable level, similarly my anxiety is more episodic around flashbacks or other triggering issues, better than the constant anxious state I was in before. Now I'm not dissociated I'm able to realise just how much I'm in a really bad, low place. I struggle to sleep, instead I unwillingly obsess over every mistake of my life, yet I'm so tired all of the time, I can't eat and my lack of focus is interfering with my studies. I feel totally lost and hopeless, I'm struggling to manage my flashbacks and don't see how it will ever be any better but can't stand the idea of having to deal with all of this again and again, repeatedly during the year and then year after year.

Also recently I keep hearing my abusers voice, threatening and insulting me. It's terrifying, my partner insists he can't hear anything, but even I'm having difficulties with everyone's eyes looking like my abusers too. It's so difficult to manage, I feel so crazy, unsure of what is real.

Now I've been told I have to finish therapy basically because I'm unable to do the trauma therapy that I'm supposed to be doing. So I'm losing my support at seriously bad time when she's been my main support for nearly 2 years.

I feel like I'd be better off dead, that everyone in my life would be better off if I was dead so that they don't have to deal with me anymore. My life feels pointless. Hopeless. My mind keeps obsessing over suicidal ideas, or plans. To know I wouldn't have to do this anymore, no more flashbacks or nightmares. No more anxiety, or panic attacks, no more failures.

This was a lot longer then I meant it to be, I'm sorry. I'm just in a really bad place and don't know how to manage anymore.

 

[joeylittle]

Someone in this forum recently observed that when there's that feeling, that you just need it to be over - what you're actually desperately craving is relief, not death.

I think it's a helpful thing to remember - it helps me, at least. Because if I were dead I wouldn't know if I had relief or not, I'd just be dead. Usually we only want the pain to go away, and it can seem like there are no working solutions except death.

Can I ask what is keeping you from moving forward in trauma therapy? You honestly don't have to answer. The main point of this post is to say you are not alone in this, I am frequently in the same kind of mindset you're in right now, and it's hard, really hard. But you are not alone.

 

[Samantha_38]

I have not been on in quite awhile and came on today because I too am struggling with losing my support. My therapist, first one ever, the only person who knows any details about what's ever happened to me and is part of a very select few who know anything is getting a new job and can no longer talk to me starting next Friday.

I don't even know how to say goodbye. I have never had anyone actually let me know they were leaving, they always just left.
I'd be lying if the "better off dead" hadn't crossed my mind several times the last couple days since I found out.

My symptoms are on 10 as well, and I have new one's. I walked straight into a wall today I dissociated so bad, and I couldn't tell you the first thing I was thinking about but I know it has to do with him leaving. He seems so calm about this...as if this is supposed to be normal.

I don't know what to say to help you, but just wanted to say I think I'm EXACTLY where you are, and I can't believe that I signed in and your post was at the top of the page!

 

[Atychiphobia]

I wanted to thank you both for your replies, so seriously appreciated. I always forget it's not 4am (UK) everywhere!

joeylittle - I am working on remembering that, you're right it is hard when things are so tough. I wasn't moving forward because of the dissociation and other severe symptoms so my therapist and community mental health team decided between them that I had to stop because it was making me worse or something to that effect.

Samantha_38 - I literally could have written your comment! I am the same, I have been offered 'goodbye sessions' but have no idea how to go about it. I was even asked how many I would like although obviously with a limit and I had no idea how to consider that because like you, nobody has told me that they are leaving and it feels so weird to have to do this. I really feel for you at the moment, although I'd never want anyone to be able to relate, it is nice to not be alone.

 

[Samantha_38]

@Atychiphobia - I'm glad not to be alone too.

 

[BlueOrange]

I remember when I stopped having lots of little dissociations, that was a very tough time. That was when I was at my worst ever for self-harm, and when I seriously contemplated suicide.

It's a long time ago now. I haven't actively self-harmed or contemplated suicide for years. Your maze of thorns seems to have different details to mine, but I think that relief is possible, and long-term improvement is too.