Lost And Having Anxiety

[kris]

Help! Tomorrow I have an appointment with the psychologist and right now I am starting to have a panic attack over this. My stomach is in knots and my heart is starting to race and I am beginning to have very shallow heavy breathing.

I didn't even have this kind of trouble with my first 3 sessions of therapy, yes I was nervous but they never had brought on panic attacks. After therapy I have them, but never before. I just don't know how I can go to therapy it is to nerve wracking and is going to do me in before anything good comes out of it. I guess I am still at a loss on how therapy is suppose to help, I just can't wrap my head around the concept of how talking about the trauma is suppose to help.

As I see things, through my tainted glasses, is that I was "fine", until I was referred to a psychologist and now I have went nuts after talking. I know things weren't really fine, but I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, or such bad flashbacks and nightmares and to me repressing the memories and pushing them down was working alot better than digging into my past.

I know that processing this and all is suppose to "hurt the heart" or it doesn't work but damn this is just to hard I don't know that I can make it through this. I barely made it through the original abuse, and I don't think I am strong enough to face it all again.

 

[popeye]

I have the same problems before an appointment. It's the nerves of thinking about talking about it. And for me it's a little voice in my head that says "He knows!" which in my mind equals "He judges my feelings". That's not really a small problem. In fact that same feeling has prevented me sometimes from even going to the appointment. Relax and take a breather. Remember in the long run it is better to go than not to go. Eventually, and this can take months, it will be a little bit better. Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 541]

As hard as this is, it is the only way to do this.........Try and hang in there.....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whenever things get rough, I just remember the saying "If you're going through hell, keep going"

Repression and denial helped us to function on some level, but processing is what is going to help you to truly heal.

I also like to think of it as pandora's box. Yes, you were able to keep things under wrap before, but now that the box is open, there is no way to go back. The only way out is to keep on going.

 

[Farine]

Hello Kris, I'm hoipng you can let us know how today went when you are ready... I've been thinking about ya...

 

[kris]

Thanks for the words of advice, the appointment today went a lot better than I thought. Although today it was even harder for me to talk (not that anyday is easy), but I could tell I was more distant and it was harder for me to talk about anything, I just wanted to run out the door and never go back. I survived even though I had my doubts!

 

[Farine]

WOw! And you came back and answered my post the same day :) Way cool! Thanks. I was just hoping against hope that you did go. I've got a smile on my face, even though the whole process probably pulled every ounce of emotional energy outa ya. ((((HUGS if ok)))) I hope that a hug is acceptable.

 

[kris]

Farine-hugs through computer land are acceptable, but in real life that is a whole different story! For some reason the therapy session calmed my nerves I guess and has made me more mellow today. I suppose that could be because I have some time before the next one, and probably by next Tuesday I will be stressed out again.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Hi Kris. I'm only 2 months into therapy so I'm no expert, but I do want to offer you hope. I had such anxiety and dread for days leading up to each appointment. A couple weeks ago, when the session was over, I finally flat out asked my psychologist when I would have to talk to him about the "bad stuff". He very clearly explained to me that it won't happen until I'm ready and that I will know when the time is right. Just knowing that I don't have to talk about anything traumatizing this early in therapy has really helped. I still get nervous before each appointment, but the last couple weeks have been a lot better. Have you tried voicing your fears to your therapist?

I also completely understand what you are saying about being "fine" before. I can pinpoint the day when I felt like I stepped into a world of "crazy" and all of my symptoms got so much worse. It's painfully slow progress, but a couple of the symptoms are starting to decrease a little as he helps me to understand them.

Just like ScaredOfLonely said, just keep going. You will reach that turning point.