Lost in Space With My PTSD

[beatle_bailey]

lost in space

I wanted to congratulate you on a good job you and your wife did making that good lookig child ,, well done ,,, the little guy will keep you busy for quite a while,,
Beatle

 

[batgirl]

Welcome to the forum, Beatle Bailey. I love your username! :)

 

[beatle_bailey]

lost in space with my PTSD

I'll try to explain what happened to my sobriety and why I changed it ,, you will see how PTSD played into it ,,
september 25 2001 I was working My profession,, a carpenter ,,I was up about 15 to 18 ft. on a ladder ,, when the ladder went out from under me ,, I hit the the street below me , I had broke my heel ouch !! but allready I want to play it down, No don't move me just get some Ice to put on it,
well shorty after I got my sneaker off I saw it was broke ,,gave up the tuff guy crap and it is crap ,, well did the hospital thing ,,and I got this {what I thought was a crazy Doc coz He gave me a shot in the ass and gave me some pain meds {morphine } sed come back in 2 wks no cast just keep it elevated ,,,I lived along on the 3rd flr,,well 2 wks later he set up surgery, put steel in my foot and set me packing again , with my foot wrapped in a little gozz ,, well while i was down My primerary care Doc. new he could finaly get me to treat my Hep-C with the Peg Itron regiment,, well hear i am 10 yrs sober only resently having had a great brake thru with my PTSD and I'm put down again with what turned out to be the hardest 12 months of treatment of my life ,, [IT was just as brootle as getting and staying sober
and fighting PTSD for the last ten yrs all roled in to one } interfeeron and ribaviron {peg intron} makes you homicidel sueicidel depress isn't the word for it but will do ,, I was so alone and trapped in my head and going crazy ,, It was all I could do to eat , shower and go to a AA meeting once a day , I ended up losing 25 pounds of muscle , cause I had no fat , Iwent down to a 26in. waste and I was gray ,, people were scared I would not make it and withdew from me ,, oh they were all nice at meetings andstuff , but when
I was begging for help no one came ,, well I servived that with shear will and my Daughters love for me ,, I was mighty getting mad at AA ,, 3 months later I met a women who was 3 months on the same treament and ready for suicide so I helped her thru her treatment {you know the hero who can,t take care of himself exc,exc, well we fell all over each other ,, 6 mths, later she dumps me hard with lies and cheating ,, well I took 270 mills of morphine at once ,,, it just got me more pissed off ,, I wasn't trying to kill me , just needed relief from the pain ,, then quit going to AA altogether for 2 yrs ,, but stayed on the pain meds and went to work ,, went to see my old army Ranger friends and almost drank , but Chuck said you buy that beer Beatle and I'm walking out ,, so I never drank during all this , still on sheer will ,, but madder than hell at the world ,, well the meds increased ot 50 mills of fentanel patch and up to 6 tabs of 30mills of morphinea day and they they still didn't take the pain away , I was addicted bad an finaly saw it , I drove myself to a detox and got off all Pain meds ,, in the detox I had a meld down ,, the head counselor said I was cearying a lot of pain both phy an mental and I should get help and meds for the head ,, I have always refuzed them , so still carried the crap inside , I went back to AA and hear we are a yrs. later ,,, this is way to long , but I guess I had to tell you about at least the last 4 yrs of my life , and where my head is , I don't like the world much yet .....
Beatle Bailey

 

[beatle_bailey]

lost in space with my PTSD

Thank you Batgirl , i like your name to a little mistery in there ,,
I got the name 33 yrs ago when I was in A co.75 rangers 1st cav div. my old army friends and there families still call me Beatle ,,
thanks for the welcome :hello:

 

[anthony]

Beatle, thanks mate for the kind words. Yes, he is already turning the house upside down at the moment, but we will get into the new routine I guess soon enough. We are all travelling on very little sleep at present, but still functioning.

at my 21 birthday I almost got killed in a accident at the end of my military term

Beatle, honestly I think this one here is the key to giving you PTSD, unless offcourse there was also something as significant previous to this event in your life.

the next thing I got months later was a letter from her mon saying Donna had been Raped and Murdered

I am sorry that this had to occur to you Beatle... Whilst this is tragic to yourself, and most likely had some impact on your symptoms, I have a rough idea that your PTSD was present already, and this would have provoked it even further. I really am honestly sorry for this loss in your life mate.

I finally morned all the deaths and wrong doings I caused and forgave me for the past ,,, you see ,, when I got sober a couple of times ,, It was strongly recomended I be on somthing to help me thru the things I was dealing with ,,, but since I drank away every feeling I ever had , I thought I should feel every bit of pain so I could finally go on ,, and it worked for a good bit

I think this was very constructive help for you Beatle, and well done on your efforts and initiative to fight through your trauma with the alcoholism issues. I congratulate you on getting past alcoholism by itself, as that can be a very tough thing by itself. Well done mate... very well done.

I agree totally with you though beatle, in that I also believe you have more healing to do. Maybe a little healing, more education to understand yourself and the symptoms you are presented, and education to help you control your symptoms in every day life.

I really do think though, that you have done a pretty good job off yourself already fighting what you have. Your working, and that says a lot.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Beatle Bailey

Thanks Anthony

You are probably right ,, In that accident in end of May 1975 ,, I was at my bithday booze and drug party , and I got blitzed , after I was driving
a 1968 chevy van to a girls house for more fun , when I passed out went across th e highway up an inbankment and ate a telephone pole , I say ate becouse a 68 chevy van has theengine between the front seats , there is no protection in front of you for the speed I was going ,, I later saw Pics of the van and was told what happened at the site,,, It took a toe truck and a fire engine to pull the van off the pole ,, the jaws of life to cut me out ,,
and 4 cops to hold me down while the 5th one strapped me down ,,, you see I was still fighting to get out ,, the guy who found me my sisters friend
told me this and more ,,, when I woke up 7 days later ,, isaid where am I to the guy who was in the bed next to me ,, he was already pushing the nurse butten when I said I got to take a shit , He said they would bring a bed pan , I sd. f that and stood up , well I was just about to pass out from all the blud rushing to or frm my head when the nurses cot me by the arms and put me back in the bed ,, I froud out over a stresh of time what was wrong with me ,,, I fnd out I had bin in a Coma for 4 days , my right eye was blind 168 stiches in my face , right arm was parellized , right leg was snapped in 2 just above my ankle and my foot had bin crushed ,, hell I didn't even know Ihad a huge bandage on My head till the Doc came in to take out the stiches ,, he reached for my face and said what the hell you doing ,, I couldn't tell or rember my mother from my dog ,, My dad Yelled do you remember me ,,I said no but you shore do yell a lot ,, the first thing I did remember was I was an Airborne Ranger in the army , corse I didn't think of I should call them and report in ,,, it took litrarlyyears befor I whould member every thing ,, the recovery was long and Hard but I was used to Hard stuff right the Army put me down for desirsion then called or came looking for me {never got that straight} when mom told them what happened ,,, they wanted to take me to post but the civy Docs wouldn't let me go yet ,, I even got a brain scan and they tried to convince me there was no brain damage HA!!! gangreen set into the back of my leg and a Doc came in one day and started sniffing at my toe and croch ,,
I said what ya doin he looked at the charts and OhOh later they cut the gangreen out ,, and they gave me to the Army ,, that took 2or 3 months
can;t member ,,, Lt Col goldberge gave me my Skin graffs and sent me home for 45 days ,, I was hopping down the porch steps one day and laned full wieght on my broke leg man did that hurt I saw stars and almost Passed out but clung on to conshisness ,, Dad said You all right Boy I sed get a cold towel and a beer ,, Mon came runnig out with it fast and that the cold wet towel and threw it on me and I almostlost it again But sucked down the beer ... I saw pictures of the van ,, I should be dead
there was nothing nothing salvagable left to it I found out a nabor cop got all charges dropped ,, there was pot and beer every where ,, it was soon after I met Donna ,, thats a whole other story , maybe for the diary one day
how do I find out more about PTSD just listen read and partisipate hear or is there stuff I need to read off line ,, may be I don't want to know to much :dont-know
Again thanks for your kind words Beatle

 

[anthony]

Geez mate... you do a job well atleast. Thank christ you made you through mate and got your life still. Lucky....

Reading.... well, you could start in the information sections, and I am also very slowly creating tutorials which can be found from the top navigation buttons, says "learn", but I have only done two of them thus far. Most of the information is contained in the information sections, and also within chat PTSD forum.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Beatle Bailey

Hey Anthony HAVE YOU FED AND CHANGED THE LITTLE GUY YEY ,, NIGHT FEEDINGS WERE MY THING ,,, CAUSE I WHOKE UP AT A PIN DROP OR THE SLIGHTEST WINE ,,,
anyway when will I get my comfermation letter so I can partisipate in the PTSD forum ,,,
thanks Beatle
PS ya that was a bad rec wish it was the only one ,, :crazy-eye

 

[anthony]

You already have access mate to most of the forum... as you no longer have "moderated member" under your name.

He is boob fed, but I bath him, change him and so forth. I don't wake easily... so my wife would have to kick me if she wanted me up in the night.

 

[becvan]

Welcome BB!!

Glad to have you here and look forward to reading your posts!!

Bec

 

[beatle_bailey]

Beatle Bailey

some times I hate this crap ,, and i'm not real happy with this PC or my skills on this Fn things ,,, I get drepressed bad some days ,,, can't get out of my own way ,,, do not even want to do this ,,, my budy hurts all the time ,, has since 1975 ,,, don't like most people or can't ingage in most peoples small talk ,,, Hiv as much as I except it ,, Is always on my mind , cause I can see fear in ome form or another in so many differant sets of eyes
I feel soo useless ,, when I went to jails schools or other types of institutions and shared my expiereances I was kind if OK but then I would come home with me ,, then we're off to the races again ,, ocasionally a woman would except me for what i am and bring back som hope ,,,
I w--- I get so sick of trying to find what i need ,,
i'm even sick of listening to me ,, cause it never changes ,it never goes away
:stupid:

 

[Deleted member 93]

Some things won't change like the illnesses, but the point of view can and does once you decide to do it. We have all been like this and at some point you will feel better again. You had before and no doubt you can again! Sorry to hear you having a rough and down day.