Lisamarieaxo
Bronze Member
My best friend of 28 years died of a drug overdose. I thought I may finally loose touch w reality and just loose my mind. I have been doing okish though. I've been staying with her mom and getting all arrangements made, room cleaned (a bit), telling stories, laughing, crying, and feeling numb.
I was already struggling before this suddenly (and unexpectedly happened). My doctor had put me outof work for a few months to work through my PTSD. Then this happened. I think this may be a testament to how strong I am but we will see. As the funeral is now over and I have rested, it's time to start living again without her. I was so in love with her for 28 years. We just turned 40. This is a new decade we said. Of course, she had PTSD too (and some BPD traits) but she cldnt do the full work. Her drug addiction filled that spot. Not that I haven't (and still do) struggle w substances. But it was a dffrnt level. I wish I tried harder. I don't feel.guilty but I just wish I did.
I get afraid of my mind. Dissociation and reality shifting. Now that she is gone I constantly keep reminding myself so I can integrate a new reality. She was the one I called w every weird thought, sensation, experience. There were so many through the years. And she would reassure me "That inner trembling feeling is anxiety I get it too." Or "that weird not-really-here feeling is anxiety and I get it too." She soothed me and probably kept me alive. I couldn't do the same. I am so sad. But also motivated to live this life for her too.
I was already struggling before this suddenly (and unexpectedly happened). My doctor had put me outof work for a few months to work through my PTSD. Then this happened. I think this may be a testament to how strong I am but we will see. As the funeral is now over and I have rested, it's time to start living again without her. I was so in love with her for 28 years. We just turned 40. This is a new decade we said. Of course, she had PTSD too (and some BPD traits) but she cldnt do the full work. Her drug addiction filled that spot. Not that I haven't (and still do) struggle w substances. But it was a dffrnt level. I wish I tried harder. I don't feel.guilty but I just wish I did.
I get afraid of my mind. Dissociation and reality shifting. Now that she is gone I constantly keep reminding myself so I can integrate a new reality. She was the one I called w every weird thought, sensation, experience. There were so many through the years. And she would reassure me "That inner trembling feeling is anxiety I get it too." Or "that weird not-really-here feeling is anxiety and I get it too." She soothed me and probably kept me alive. I couldn't do the same. I am so sad. But also motivated to live this life for her too.
