Love Is Dangerous.

[Friday]

How about a new word? Not just like renaming love Philbert or Shazaam (actually, that would probably be lust) or something meaningless... But a word whose definition means love to you instead of sick-twisted-manipulation or deck-them-and-run?

- A lot of philosophers use the word "understand". To truly understand a thing is to love it. I don't personally agree with this one, but I know it resonates with a lot of people.

- English also sucks by its vagueness. There may be no other language that lumps so many dissimilar things into one word as we do. It's the language of diplomacy for very good reason; enough loopholes to drive a truck, through. One of my favorite languages for "love" is Ancient Greek (I don't speak it, was married to a classist, so a lot of things soaked in over the years).

Amos - Love between friends
Eros - Romantic love
Fillios - Brotherly love, specifically love between family members

All 3 were considered equally powerful, one didn't "upgrade" from Amos to Fillios as we tend to think of in English (when friends become family), but also exceptionally different. It was pretty well accepted in Ancient Greece that families were often cruel, abusive, heartless. True "love" (the way we think of it) for many might only exist for many in Amos & Eros. Meanwhile others (asexual, by choice or virgin religious orders, or a loveless marriage, etc.) found their love in Amos & Fillios.

Don't know if either of these are helpful, but they're 2 different ways (5, really) to grok Love.

 

[scout86]

Congratulations. I've kind of wondered if or when you'd figure that out.

Another thought for you. "Safety" might be somewhat over rated. The world would be pretty boring if it was totally safe. Nothing I can think of that's worthwhile comes without some kind of risk. It's all about risk/benefit ratios.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you all for your replies. I have been reading over them and they really are helping me. I am going to put off replying in more depth as I am still a bit dissociated and need to keep on working on grounding as putting together coherent statements isn't coming quite so easily right now!

Thanks @FridayJones for making me laugh! (There's a story that goes along with it, but I'll share in a bit.)

 

[joeylittle]

Just wanted to share two things - one, try and be OK with not knowing what to do with your epiphany right now. I really believe that those moments where we get a big insight into our own psychology - when the pieces come together in the BIG way - are necessary in order to actually begin any kind of real work on them. Who knows what form that'll take - but right now, it's actually like you got to the top of the mountain - and next is trying to figure out how to get back down. Not necessarily easier, but a whole different set of challenges. If that makes sense.

Two, I still flinch if anyone says anything nice or caring to me. Like, physically shudder. It's painful. So, you're not alone in that. I'm a "go into my cave" person, and I think you have developed the opposite coping mechanism - "build a wall". But now that you understand the whole picture more, you can maybe start to build an extension of your wall with cracks in it. Or something. Bad metaphor, just woke up.

Anyway - thanks for putting your epiphany out here.

 

[ekane]

Congrats on getting rid of monster mom. You are exactly right -- this will eventually lead to you being able to share real love with someone, but it takes a lot of time, experience, and practice to get there.

I want to clarify something though and drop some opinions. Your mother did not love YOU at all. At best she loved her own imaginary idea of you as some sort of projection of herself. Love for manipulation is not love, its just manipulation. Abuse. No love is actualy there. Your mother in that way is a predator. Nothing more. Your mother is not capable of real love towards anyone, and never loved herself either. Your mother's survival technique was to float through the world pretending+imitating love. You never experienced actual love as a child at all.

You are not as afraid of real love as you are afraid of the same dangerous phony love you have had before. And I relate. There is nothing more terrifying than fake love. But now that you are free of evil mom, you will start to know love over time if you practice it with yourself and/or imagine each day what you wish your ideal partner would do/say to you.

This will let you safely go through all sorts of emotions and roles and eventually you will know and trust real love. You will know it's safe, you will know how to gauge it in baby steps, and the relief and healing from that will be profound.

Other tips - keep weeding out all toxic people. If someone makes you feel bad then cut them out of your life. Only the safe and truly loving will remain. Only deal wiithba great* therapist and consider joining a support group - some groups learn to trust love just by the nature of being in a group that safely shares vulnerable life experiences.

 

[City Slicker]

I know the path you are on feels incredibly vulnerable right now - but I can see how much healing is also right there for you in how hard you are working to set and achieve the goals you want for your life.

Taking the steps to remove a hurtful person from your life especially when that hurtful person is your mother is a huge step and can sometimes feel like the most alone and potentially crazy-making-feeling thing in the world to do.

Each step takes you closer to what you want. You are doing great.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Everyone knows how damn blunt I am, right? *heads nod* *

Do you think you are blunt because you are deliberately trying to piss people off and not be liked? Personally I see a lot of your posts as being blunt but behind them is a lot of good advice and behind that is someone who does care and sometimes blunt and simple is what is needed. And I think a lot of people on here see that. Don't know struggling with that myself. But wanted to say I like a lot of your posts because they are honest. The other stuff, can't offer anything, feeling very much the same. Think getting toxic people out of your life is not so easy.

 

[Nyssa]

This is big !

I don't have anything to say. I'm just happy for you, thinking this might be a positive turning point in your life :)

 

[Pencil]

@Solara. I totally relate. When someone tries to get close to me, or extend a hand, or ... do or say anything 'nice', I react as if it is the precursor to a particularly cruel April Fool's practical joke. So I either ignore it as if it never happened or go all 'ironic' and clever and snarky. I think I'm often considered to be autistic at best. The difference between us is that I never in my entire life want to have anything to with 'love' ever again. But with this insight you have now, and your general determination and clear headedness, I think you're going to make a fundamental change in the not too distant future.

 

[Tanishq]

Deep down I am afraid of love, but this is the thing which makes me go for love even though it is dangerous.

 

[shimmerz]

So many good posts here. I just wanted to add that just because you think you are fooling us into thinking you don't care (insert whatever words here that apply to your need to defend), doesn't mean that you are.

To me it is obvious that your fire and brimstone act that can come out in your postings is equal yet opposite along the caring spectrum. I can see that you care regardless of the smoke and mirrors.

What if you actually weren't fooling anyone? Would all the work be worth it? You are really coming to a ton of things @Solara, and that takes guts. Love me or hate me, I applaud you either way.

 

[Sandstone]

Just wanted to tell you that I enjoy you. So I expect there are people out there in the real world who will also enjoy you.

(But because of the weirdness of our minds and the lack of clarity in the written word I have to expand to say that I mean I appreciate you rather than meaning I view you in some mocking ligh