Let's look at this another way, with a hypothetical scenario.
If John Doe refuses to seek help because of misplaced guilt, but instead chooses to remain ill. Abusing substances, self harming, risking his life unnecessarily. Feeling that he not deserve anything better.
If he were to ask. "Why, isn't my life improving?"
It would be fair to respond. "Because you're not doing anything to improve it". Would it not?
If he were to reply. "But helping myself is unpleasant".
You know what else is fair? Well. Maybe not fair, but accurate? To call this whining.
If you don't like the word whining, you could use whinging or pity mongering. As a couple examples.
As much as what happened to him sucks, that it was unfair and he was undeserving of such a thing. The fact is, life isn't fair.
People and circumstance don't always work for our good. This is just how it is. In fact, life can f*cking suck.
Why should he get a free pass because life is unfair?
He shouldn't.
Now, let's look at Jane Doe. John Doe's supporter.
Let's say for hypothetical purposes, that not only is John Doe a pity monger, he's an abusive one.
So now we have what the OP described. A sufferer who spouts the line "Oh, woe is me, you stupid bitch." In other words, an asshole.
Now, here's the thing that I am having trouble with.
Suppose Jane Doe, should begin doing the same thing as John.
"Oh woe is me. John is so horrid to me, but I won't do anything about it, because I feel guilty. I know what I need to do to help myself, but it's unpleasant."
So, why does Jane Doe get a free pass, when John doesn't deserve one?
She shouldn't.
You know what else?
I was pretty hard on the sufferer, wasn't I? Totally lacking in sympathy, you could say.
Guess what? I am one.
I don't get to bury myself in misery and whine and moan about how unfair life is. I have bills to pay. I have my own supporters whom I care deeply for. They are not my whipping posts. They are my strength. Not objects of my frustration. Nor would they remain in such a role, were I to turn on them as such. Because they are human beings, deserving of love and compassion. As well as my support, when I can give it.
Am I perfect? Nooope. Far, far from it.
Have I never spoken a harsh word in anger to someone who didn't deserve it? Of course I have. To say otherwise would be the biggest lie I've ever told.
Why was it ok for me to have done this kind of abuse, when I condemn others like me? It wasn't ok. This is why I had to take personal responsibility for my behaviour. Because sorry doesn't cut it.
Learning to behave like a civilised person doesn't change what I've done or said. Nor does it erase the hurt and shame.
But I can live with it, because I proved to myself and the people around me that I am not the monster I was turning into. Not will I fall back on excuses and bullshit to whitewash my bad behaviour. And yes, it was very unpleasant. But it had to be done.
If I can honestly hold someone who suffers from a debilitating mental illness to conduct themselves to such rigorous standards. Why is it wrong to expect the same from someone who's faculties are apparently in better working order? Especially when it comes to helping themselves?
If I don't get to use my guilt as an excuse to whine about being in an unbearable situation as a sufferer. Why is then ok for a supporter to do the same?
There was one other thing mentioned in this thread I want to touch upon.
It was mentioned that the OP was "venting". That one of the functions of the anonymous supporters section, is to accommodate this in a safe way. Fair enough, I even agree with that.
However. This is strictly my opinion, as it is not my place to dictate forum policy.
I feel there is a difference between venting and preaching.
To me, venting looks like:
My sufferer is being abusive. He is treating me like a punching bag. I feel no sympathy for him because he is being an asshole. I feel trapped in this relationship. People who have dissenting opinions, please remain silent for I am just expressing myself.
Great, all the power to you.
Preaching, on the other hand:
All us supporters are being abused. We are being treated as punching bags. We should have no sympathy for them because they are being assholes. We are trapped in these relationships. People with dissenting opinions please remain silent, because you are wrong.
Umm. What?
See what I mean?
One is letting out pent up stress over a personal matter, by social means to garner support or sympathy.
The other is using a personal matter to sway others opinions to a common and unfortunately for this thread, a seemingly negative end.
I apologise for the long winded tirade.
P.S.
The OP said this, I sure hope I don't do this (to others). :(
It hurt to read this. Doubly so that no one responded.
As long as you pay attention to how the things you do and say affect others, plus ask yourself what you would feel were you in their shoes interacting with you.
If you can feel good in it for yourself, your probably doing just fine by others.
Plus it's never a bad idea to ask. If you are open to criticism, you will get it.
I hope that helps.
