Lurching From Crisis To Crisis

[Friday]

Came across the title in an anonymous thread... And that pretty much hits the nail on the head for me from the past 6 months (3 years? Maybe.). Worse, each crisis I'm handling badly (if at all). Ugh. Outstanding.

My first bad run with PTSD, I often describe as 5 years of chaos. Lurching from crisis to crisis is probably another freaking great descriptor. The difference between this run and that run was last time I was chaos-seeking... And knew it. The adrenaline was calming. Win/win as I might even die doing it. Never thought to fight the ideation back then, just figured if I wanted to die, I owed it to people to at least die doing something useful. This time, no matter how much I might want to stamp a big 'NO' on top of it, it's like I've got 'Drama' tattooed on my forehead. And it is anything but calming. I want my balance back. Not this running face first into brick wall after brick wall after brick wall.

The cynical side of me has been thinking for awhile that at least last time I got to choose my chaos, so going back sounds like the thing to do. The slightly more rational side thwacks that one upside the head. Problems are problems. How about sort out your life, instead?

I've come to learn that chaos-seeking is pretty normal. Nice, shiny, & distracting. So don't do that.

What I can't figure out is if I'm somehow engineering all the current drama in my life, or if that's just life, and I'm sucking at it.

The only thing I know to do to make the drama stop is to isolate. Check out. Not suck anyone else in. The drama is still there, but at least I'm the only one who has to deal with it. Usually that works. Things subside, and I can keep moving. It's hard to have crisis (plural) when you're living under a rock. Clearly, it's not working this time.

Anyone got any ideas on how to make this BS stop? So far I've tried handling crisis as they come (lurching from one to the next, for real, just stop already!), and I've tried isolating, and neither is working.

Life. I'm doing it wrong.

 

[garden]

I wish I had answers Friday...your description reminds me of my own rollercoaster though, minus the part about dying doing something useful, however, that detail does make sense to me.

I wish I knew how to make it stop too. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Anyone got any ideas on how to make this BS stop? So far I've tried handling crisis as they come (lurching from one to the next, for real, just stop already!), and I've tried isolating, and neither is working.

Life. I'm doing it wrong.

I'm the last person to offer advice given the chaos of my internal and external lives at the moment. I do know that a year and a half of daily mindfulness practice, grounding, and meditation are finally starting to pay off...

in the middle of one of the crises I'm currently slamming my face against (end of life decisions with my mother), I keep having these little moments of realization...like, okay this is a crisis...I'm okay. There are just some things to do. Some decisions to make. I need to be present and compassionate with myself and others involved. I breathe, focus on my body in the present, and suddenly the feeling that my head is going to explode subsides a little and I see that I am trying trying trying too too hard with everything. Like trying to forge some control with an iron fist where there is no control. Then I feel less like I have to go to the extremes of either diving under a rock (which takes various forms for me), or letting the crisis take me over/trying to control it and keep everyone else safe from it. I feel less like life is an all or nothing affair.

I've no idea if this resonates at all with you. You are not doing life wrong. Maybe just working it too intensely? I won't go off on any more interpreting. I wish for you some quiet gentleness on the inside and the outside. A place of psychic safety.

 

[shimmerz]

Anyone got any ideas on how to make this BS stop?

Because I am constantly working with unknowns in a world that insists on my 'knowing' shit.

A guy I used to contract for pursued me for months wanting me to do a contract for him. Avoidance worked well until he called and said "Shimmerz, I don't bite". So I called him. I fessed up. Told him I had PTSD and this is how I felt my working would f him up. He said 'no, I want you to do it'. I hmmd and hawed, back and forth and then realized that I had told him I wouldn't be on the ball. So I worked for his client. OMFG the reality of that I can't even put across. Working on a server while a stamping machine was rocking the entire plant. It was sending me to the moon. All the while I am trying to focus because I knew I could bring the whole plant down if I made a mistake. Chaos in my head because I was reacting to a new perception of chaos (the stamping machine) which wouldn't have bothered me before I got sick. Using exposure, I was able to continue working for them but not in the capacity I would have prior to all of this altered and lessened cognition of mine. "Please don't let me faint, please don't let me faint', and then after working a few hours having to go home and crash for the next week. Was it worth it? I don't know. Maybe it kept me more symptomatic. Maybe it was worth it. That ran through my head constantly too. Chaos. Inside and outside.

I still don't know what I can and cannot do. So I can't work. No work leads to chaos. No money. No money leads to too many time slices in the brain spent on survival shit. Leads to housing, no eating. Chaos. A seemingly endless loop.

If anyone sees an answer in what I just wrote I would be happy if you would point it out. Sorry Friday.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you tell us the nature of the crisis'?

 

[scout86]

What I can't figure out is if I'm somehow engineering all the current drama in my life, or if that's just life, and I'm sucking at it.

That's the first question you need to answer, huh? So, can you isolate the cause or causes of the drama? Personally, I have a tendency to assume that if something's wrong it MUST be my fault. Just has to be. That's one of the first "Rules of the Game". My T likes to point out "No one is all that." Perhaps he's right?

I'm having kind of a hard time picturing YOU sucking at life!

 

[desiderata310]

hmmm...
There's the idea of controlled chaos that I really like.It's the chaos I, to some degree, chose. It's the reason I can deal with SOME things that should send me over the moon but because there's a sense of control to it, (real or imagined) I can deal with it. Tell me I have to solve this problem before everything goes to shit and I can focus. Serious, deadly detailed focus. I know I have 10 minutes to get it done, too? Ok, great. I'll have it done in 8 ...just in case. So yeah, the idea of a chaos I chose opposed to the chaos that choses me? Yes, Bright shiny. Deadly focus.

It's the chaos that chooses me that throws me for a loop. Bouncing along and getting sideswiped.
Merrily chatting when I get THAT call.
f*ck.
Tail spin. I fight in those moments to just keep from dissociating and keep my feet under me.
I found that the best way to do it was to try to focus. Look around and prioritize. Triage. Then work through it, one tiny 'controlled' piece at a time.
Focus on it with deadly detailed focus. Treat it like the bright shiny and then move to the next.

Right now?
Therapist who's practically given up on me.
I spent time freaking out. In my freak out time (which I'll admit I'll allow myself) I did triage.
He sent me two links:
One to an assessment.
One to a class he insists I take.

The Assessment itself was uncontrolled chaos. I wound up simply trying to hold on and ride the roller coaster once it was done? I sprinted out.
The program associated with it will be more of the same. I don't know what to do with it. TRIAGE: put it aside. It'll keep for the moment.

Second assignment the class: immediately found the class is not available for months. Research: Found and sent him to a link of one that might substitute. Result: making a good faith effort to keep moving forward.

Still can't deal with the outpatient program directly.
Looking for alternatives to the program that won't trigger the f*ck out of me.
Trying to think about this an simply remind myself that I can make a good faith effort and go at least to one or two


Any more details you can afford us?

 

[Ronin]

Can you cut the edges of the crisis some way (or all of them, if they have something in common as a theme of the day)? Something that wouldn't solve it but would give you some more space (and time to get back to it later)? My thought was balancing bricks of that tower so it falls later and not in a giant boom, more like how you want it, and where you want it; controling other factors of the crises if you can't control their very presence.

 

[scout86]

Triage

That's IT! That's how I live my life! It's like working for the fire department. :D

 

[Whirlwind]

What I can't figure out is if I'm somehow engineering all the current drama in my life, or if that's just life, and I'm sucking at it.

Yeah....I have been feeling quiet lately which is "better" and my internal turmoil has taken a back seat to the sense I have blown it at life.

I am mostly isolated and in sheer frustration I cut the last people out of my life. Not a good idea I was told and I figured they may be right but, there was that desperation thing so I did it anyway. How much worse can I get anyway?

It wasn't me. Not all me at least by a big margin other than learning in a big bad way my people picker appears to be broken since I blasted into outerspace with my PTSD.

So they are gone and a gargantuan chunk of crazy making went with them and not an iota of it has surfaced since. It also cleared the fog a bit and I can see my other big hurdle, loud and clear now. Scares the hell out of me but I made the first right choice on my own...it has been a really long time since that happened. Makes me think I might have a chance at this next issue....and I have been wondering...what if I can handle it and I feel another load of sadness disappear from my life? I wonder what I'd be like if that were to happen?

Not knowing your specifics I guess my point is not everything is our PTSD.

Take care, Whirlwind

 

[Friday]

tell us the nature of the crisis'?

Not really sure it's relevant... As it's more the theme of 'if it's not one thing, it's another'... But in case it might be:

Bigger things from the last 6mo include military court stuff, panel on torture in DC, son's attempted suicide, stalkery-ex stuff, son's ongoing abuse & hospitalizations, child-protective-services-investigation, family court stuff, home invasion & robbery stuff (that's a 3 year one, over 400 times at last count, but I squared off with them a few times lately and my patience with it is nil), total loss of income, car died / not fixable, a few acute injuries, house in foreclosure, and I just had to kill my dog day before yesterday. Who has pretty much been my only friend for several years, and definitely the only person who trusted me. Plus all the smaller stuff that I blow way out of proportion cause I'm stressed out. And the straight up PTSD stuff. Sorry, this week is canceled, because we're going to be trapped in the past. Vexing.

 

[Friday]

I'm having kind of a hard time picturing YOU sucking at life!

Pfft...

Running themes just sort of spin the dial; judicial, financial, relationships, medical, employment/education, transportation/mobility, etc. I'm sure there's some area of my life that isn't on the ropes. Somewhere. LOL. Hiding under the bed or behind the shower curtain or something. Sitting on the roof having a good snicker.

It could be worse.