Made Progress But Now I'm A Mess

[anthony]

Your answer is actually contained fully @ [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/content/264-PTSD-Timeline-to-Recovery[/DLMURL] which uses my own situation as the example.

 

[anthony]

Wow! This from Anthony? Or is someone impersonating him? :p

If you knew me with uncontrolled PTSD... you wouldn't have come near me for long... I was pretty insane and reckless, to say the least.

 

[cherryblossom]

I wish there was an icecream shop next to my therapists office!!

I think we all know that therapy isn't supposed to be fun. I also think that, just like anything else we do, sometimes we get more out of it one time, than another time. Our moods fluctuate daily and weekly. Some days, we will go to therapy, with lots to say, or something we want to tackle. Other times a reluctance to face anything that might hurt. The important thing is not to beat yourself up, or give up, if you felt one session was a waste of time. Chalk it up to experience, move on and go back next week.

 

[jadebear]

Today's session was productive. I was afraid it wouldn't be. I paced around in the waiting room and was standing over by the door, deciding if I was going to turn and walk out and my T. called me back for my appointment. Perfect timing, cause I was ready to bolt out of there.

I told the beginning of "the" story this time. It started out at the bar. My mom usually went in with my dad and would leave all of us kids in the car, sometimes for the whole night while they were out partying. She was mad at him and wouldn't go in.He started getting pissed and wanted someone to go in with him. I didn't want him to be mad or hurt anyone, so I raised my arms to let him know I would go. He pulled me through the car window and took me inside. He lifted me up on the barstool and bought me a drink. It was a shot of whiskey.

I won't go into the whole story. I just put that part because after I got home, I really started thinking about things. I Started thinking about what I posted in the ptsd vs cptsd thread about drinking. Started thinking about being in that bar drinking....thinking about how horrible weekends were when I was young. That's when the worst traumas happened. That's when my dad would drink the most, that's when he would have me drink too. I dreaded weekends because I knew some bad shit was gonna happen. It always did. If we weren't left in the car all night, we were dumped off wherever we could be dumped. And when we weren't dumped off or left in the car, we were right there in the midst of whatever dad was doing, either watching or being forced to participate.

....I can see now why weekends are hard for me, why I feel depressed then, why I get the urge to drink then more than any other time of the week. I can see how I was "taught" alcoholic behaviour as a young kid. I see how weekends= drinking/fighting/depression/etc......and I can see that I'm actually repeating the same behaviours as my dad. I'm not committing crimes, well sometimes, I'm not raping/hurting people, but alot of the other behaviours are the same.

Anyway, today's session turned out to be more productive after it ended.

 

[Crusoe]

Way to go Jadebear. Sounds like you are making leaps forward here :)

 

[cherryblossom]

I just wanted to say well done. It sounds like you have made some progress. That alcoholic behaviour was taught to you over a period of time, and you have understandably continued that behaviour. It will not be 'easy' to break and it will take time, but if you want to change, then I know you will get there eventually. Like I said 'unlearning' patterns of behaviour can take quite a time, but hang in there.

 

[jadebear]

I'm glad I can actually see the patterns now(hate to say it...thanks to anthony)...just him saying the things he did, and then actually thinking about what he said made a huge difference. I feel like there's a lightbulb above my head now. Maybe I should start paying him $145 per "session" instead of my therapist.....HA....

 

[cherryblossom]

SSShhhh. He might expect $145 from us all, LOL!! :eek:

Seriously, I'm glad that what he has said helped you. Sometimes it just takes one person to say the right thing that gives that 'lightbulb' moment. (Anthony, I'm not knocking you, I know it wasn't just a lucky punt, but you know what I mean?!)

 

[Nyx]

Good for you for discovering things. These are the first steps towards making it better. I'm happy for you and I hope you get to happy yourself soon :)

 

[WonderingWhy]

Great work JB

 

[anthony]

Started thinking about being in that bar drinking....thinking about how horrible weekends were when I was young. That's when the worst traumas happened... ...I dreaded weekends because I knew some bad shit was gonna happen. It always did.

Bingo.... your brain got going, you got writing, and here is the exact key of the problem. I thought it was more to do with your husband working out of town... and that lack of security is some of it, but here is the problem to your drinking. It occurred on weekends as a child and thats when all the bad shit happened. Your brain pretty much goes into fight and defense mode now every weekend.

I have to say... wholly shit JB... you actually uncovered quite a substantial aspect to your trauma along with your drinking.

I can't say well done enough... and I want you to remember, that this very act of writing is what will help you... anyone, because the pieces begin getting pieced together. You write something over here, something over there, something elsewhere in another thread... suddenly the pieces all make a more complete picture.

This is why I tell anyone surrounding trauma, DON'T leave anything out. There is no such thing as too much information, and often its the information held back that is the key to identify the exact issue so solutions can be presented for the true root of the problem vs. half arsed stabs using pieces of the puzzle, not the full picture.

Congratulations... now use this with your therapist, with yourself, to begin nutting through the emotional aspects as well as using it to guide your own exposure to changing your drinking behaviours.

 

[krystina]

good job