Made Progress But Now I'm A Mess

[jadebear]

I feel like I keep taking 2 steps forward and 10 back over and over. I'm not even really sure what's going on right now. I got lost somewhere in the past couple of weeks. And I'm having a hard time finding the path I was headed on before.

I didn't go to therapy last Monday, I cancelled at the last minute, with no explanation. I just didn't want to face him after saying such psychotic things the last time I was in there. I didn't go to work all last week, I was just too anxious and couldn't force myself to go.

I know I need to go to therapy tomorrow. I'm almost finished with 'the' story. But it literally feels like it's killing me. My T. said once we're through this, he will work on 'putting me back together'.....whatever the hell that means. I just want to get through it and move forward, yet the thought of it makes me feel so sick and like I'm slowly dying. I really don't know if I can do it.

I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and now I'm lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.....

 

[brokenchild]

You're farther than I am. There are things I have only hinted at in therapy and have never really talked about. No therapist has brought it up either. I kind of like it that way.

As you said earlier, thinking about some things is enough to make me nauseous as well as self destructive and dissociative. There are some things I can't imagine actually saying aloud or talking about in any detail. I might be able to say "X happened" but that's it. I can't give any more detail than that, I can't even think about too much. That's why I've never even written about some things.

You're doing great. I hope you are able to go to therapy tomorrow.

 

[Nyx]

Try to make yourself go to therapy, even if you don't speak. Just by going you'll se that you are not making wrong turns. As I told you before, I think what you are experiencing now is fallout - you are currently working through the most difficult part of it all. I don't think you are making wrong turns, I think you are just feeling the natural way one feels when dealing with difficult things. Please don't give up and don't put yourself down. These feeling you are facing right now will get better. Hang in there, JB!

 

[Lucycat]

Hi JadeBear.
Did you go?

I do hope so.

 

[jadebear]

Yes, I did go to therapy today. I had printed out what I wanted to say in case I didn't have the nerve to talk. I didn't have to have him read it though, I was able to say what I wanted....no, what I needed to say. As hard as it was, I'm glad I was open and honest.

I'm not sure what direction I'm headed in now. My T. said he's very concerned. I'm just gonna trust him and do what he suggests and hope he knows what he's doing. Maybe he can get me back on the right path.

I was surprised at one of my T.'s comments though. He said the way I have been feeling is called progress.....that if I wasn't progressing I wouldn't be feeling the way I do and that it's a natural thing when going through trauma therapy.

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done for going to therapy, and for talking without having to read what you had written. I think that's pretty good on it's own :D

It sounds like your therapist knows what he's talking about, and yes, sometimes we do just have to trust that they are moving us in the right direction. It all sounds very positive :hug:

 

[Nyx]

That's good news JB! I'm sorry you are going through rough stuff, but I'm really glad to hear(read) the word progress. I hope you are able to believe your T and trust yourself a bit more. Remember what you said at one point: "nowhere to go but up" :)