Making Peace With Yourself ( Past And Present)

[Lady of Longbourn]

I struggle making peace with the things in my past but I noticed today that I also struggle with the present in just my daily life. I think struggling with the present is very hurtful.

I also realized I have no idea how to make peace, how to start. I see no carefully laid out road map with a book to guide me. It is deeper then that.

I know this all goes to the past of abuse and rape and not having a identity. But I also wonder if the thought that some people with PTSD have of 'not having a future' is playing a part. That would make the present so much harder thinking you have no future.

And then there is the thought...What are you making peace with? Your brain/ thoughts/ actions? Your soul?

Thoughts? Ideas of how to make peace?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Being able to forgive yourself? Am I on the right path? I'm unsure exactly what you're asking, I think....

 

[nursenurse]

Ayesha, you gave me an aha moment with my sufferer. He frequently will make the statement "when I was young and full of promise." He doesn't think of the future, he exists. Some days the existence is okay, many days, it just isn't . Never mind thinking about a tomorrow that may or may not come. I try to show him where the path is, I can help him across the bridge or the stream, but ultimately, he has to place one foot in front of the other and walk the path himself. How do you do that when in your mind you see no options, and your road is a dead end?

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't . I would like to thank you for the insight, I truly understand him better.

 

[mamachick]

nursenurse-I relate to that thinking completely. My now 25 yr old daughter will try to be positive when I can not any longer. Last night I slipped and said what I really thought, and that is that she has a future. For me, (I believe) what is now is all that is, all that will ever be, and has to be accepted. I saw the realization in her for me, that for the first time, I think she did understand where I am coming from.

Is it a sense of foreshortened future, hopelessness, or a distorted view? Does it change from day to day?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Being able to forgive yourself? Am I on the right path?

Slightly different SOL. At least in my mind...

Forgiveness sounds like something in the past, an action in your past that you are forgiving. While peace on the other hand is both in the past and the future. And it's not limited to actions.

For example I have to make peace with who I am. I am not talking actions but actually who I am, as in heritage and ethnicity. I can't really forgive myself for that as I played no part in it but I do need to make peace with it.

And then there is peace in a everyday world. Peace with having mental illness for example. Not being able to look into the future really messes up your lookout on peace i.e Peace of mind ( a very deep phrase and topic in itself)...

If that makes any sense. I've been told I am odd and complex. :oops:

 

[nursenurse]

Brat, I work at healing the masses, and in the population are so many souls who are depressed and suicidal. For them, it is a struggle of one day at a time. I think one needs to find joy in life, in little things, and I don't mean this in a trite condescending way. If you can find something little that makes you happy, speaks to your soul in that moment, and do this each day, I think and have seen positive changes come out. We complicate things, look too much for that end meaning of life, instead of looking to see what is under our noses in our own back yard. You have a 25 year old daughter whom I imagine is a great source of pride and joy. She did not get to be that way by herself.


For my guy, now that I think of it, there is a general feeling everyday of existing. It seems to be a self perpetuating thing, depending on his work status and the three ring circus that he calls home. It is because he does not see any options. I have been blunt with him about certain aspects of this, and as long as he feels he can only exist, he will never see the options. I don't know what exactly I said to him, but he is now considering some change, and for the first time since I have known him, he is speaking of things he wants to do, short term and long term, that would make him happy. Talk is cheap, it is the action that requires more than lip service. However, it is fostering some hope and hopefully some action, however small in the eyes of the world, will follow.

 

[maddog]

I think I understand some of what you are grappling with Ayesha. If so, I am grappling hard with it too. My therapist pushes me hard about the need to ground myself in the here and now, not just in the literal sensory form, but in terms of where I focus my energies, awareness, concentration and emotional energy. It is supposedly all about acceptance and commitment - acceptance of my current reality and commitment to living by my values and working to build a better future for myself. Yes, there is an entire therapy - ACT - built around this broad framework, and for me, it's one I find sometimes intolerably difficult to embrace or to really understand.

I have struggled to figure out why. I think it's because I fundamentally don't feel at peace or even remotely ok with my present reality, much less a future that feels genuinely without hope or even reality for me at times. Without any such fundamental belief in the good and reality of the present or future, it's damn hard to focus in on it or to find any positivity in doing so. I find my inability to master these concepts, and my general anguish about my future, to be intolerably distressing and not something I can easily communicate, and certainly not without considerable shame.

Not sure if I'm in the ballpark of what you're referring to, but it somehow felt similar to me. Needless to say I have no answers really. It's hard. PTSD doesn't rob us merely of aspects of our past, but of the ability to sustain hope and belief in the future, which is in some ways more debilitating, given that while the past cannot be changed or undone, the future, theoretically, can be.

Maddog

 

[intothelight]

I have thought long and hard about this, as I can relate to what is being said, for there was a very long period of time I felt the same way. (A few decades. :oops:) But I also realized as I was reading this, that now I view life very differently. I am at peace for the most part, enjoying life, and feeling hopeful about the future....but why...what changed.

For myself, I narrowed it down to three key factors.

• 
  Acceptance
  Control
  Choice

The first part was acceptance of what happened, what was, what is happening, who I was, who I am, etc. without judgement. No more "what if's", "should haves", "could haves" etc. Just living with the knowledge that this was and is my life.

The second part was control. I had to internalize the belief that the only thing I have control over is myself. This was especially true with my own thoughts, perceptions, and the framework from which I lived. This is an area where I have to constantly work to reclaim control of my own thoughts and emotions. It isn't easy and at times I can be more successful that others, but what I think, how I think, what I do or do not do is entirely up to me.

The last part of this was choice. Once I have the control, I have a choice with how I perceive things. Sure there are huge amounts of my past that I don't like, but I chose to take the good forward and the lessons from the bad to ensure I don't repeat the same cycle. If there is something about myself that I want to change, I choose to do so. I also choose how I want to live each day and what I want my future to look like.

PTSD does rob us of so much, and that is why managing it is so critical. Nothing is perfect, but it is a lot better than it was. Sometimes PTSD may win a battle, but I am winning the war. Find what works for you and then work on it. Take the skills and tools and practice them until they become second nature. Not a quick fix or an easy answer, but I hope there is something here that can help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Slightly different SOL. At least in my mind...

Ahhh ok sorry! No words of advice as I don't share this struggle.

 

[mamachick]

nursenurse-I am so glad that your guy is considering some options and change. Something that you said got through and that is important.

I know that we are all different, and what works for one person may be completely useless for another. I am doing more that existing or surviving one day at a time, but am not where I would like to be, and am not the person that I use to be. It is likely that I will never be. That is acceptance.

I have many parts of my life compartmentalized (lack of a better term). The mom role, dogs, maintaining home, financial, job, health, mental health, spirituality, and within each I am trying to find balance. I have to pace myself and have parts of each within each day. Obviously, it would seem that some would come with great ease and they use to, but not now. With many, I have short and long term goals. That is how I have to break life up to feel any sense of future, and then it is still hard, because as I stated, somewhere in the back of my mind I believe that "this is as good as it gets".

My thinking is clear, it is my beliefs that are screwed up. It is the core beliefs and part of ptsd. So logically I know that negative thinking will bring stagnation and little will get better. So I guess you could say that I am using some behavioral therapy on myself. Each day I get up and do xy, and z, and some of several other things, working toward a bigger goal but finding more joy in the moments of daily living. Sometimes it is harder though.

I have many, many medical problems and managing them can be very difficult. They are not all visible. I have to have a spinal tap to rule out MS as I am having a lot of weakness, numb, etc and my brain MRI indicates that the white spots are likely due to MS as I also have plaques on my spine. My kids have always seen me as a strong and determined woman and 2 of 3 girls push me and are demanding in ways. I still own a home with my ex husband. He puts more in financially these days but I maintain it. There is no time or energy or money left for me too often, and I lack trust to be in an intimate relationship. I put out too many fires (others). Then Im exhausted. I have isolated in the past. Beneath it all, I have that foreshortened sense of future that I challenge daily.

So each day I try to reach out and connect with others, I have to remind myself to eat, do some physical stuff, do some mental/cognitive stuff, etc. Long term goals are too big and beyond my comprehension right now. I probably sound weird in this, but my life became overwhelming and I went to bed for a couple of years pretty much.

Ayesha-as to the making peace, I think that I might understand. I have shame for not just me (being me) but tied to my parents actions. I think my father was a sociopathic lawyer. Complicated but along the lines of what you were saying, at least I think.

 

[Kiki lou]

I have also found this too be difficult. My first step I think is to decide who or what you want to make peace with. I was recommended a book "Days of Healing, Days of Joy". This has daily meditations in it and I find that although not all help, every once in awhile you find one that connects to you or makes you feel better.

I think it is also about forgiveness. My therapist has tried very hard to explain to me that you forgive for yourself, not the person or people who have hurt you. This is difficult, but I am working on it. i am hoping that one day when I am able to forgive I will be able to find some peace in my world and mind.

I wish you luck and peace on your journey. Not an easy one to take as we all know but maybe that too has to be part of the process of finding our peace,

 

[franciemarnie]

I remember when I first had that feeling of no future. It was unutterably awful. It was like a wall was there where once there was tomorrow. It was during a period of incredible nearly unendurable stress.

And peace....it was a long time coming and when I look back, hard to say exactly how I found it.

I had one incredible person come into my life when I was 49. She changed everything for me. She was in her 70's and had gone thru so much and come out this fabulous serene human being. She was like a mom and always seemed to say very simply what I needed to hear. When on those days everything was too much for me, she would say today you are going to have to just put one foot in front of the other. That would get me thru rough days. She taught me acceptance as the key to serenity - what had happened in the past and what it's like now. She taught me to get busy with a project if I was caught up in my head with obsessions, or if possible to help someone else. She started me keeping a gratitude list which I thought would be a waste of time but turned out to be a wonderful gift because every day there is something, usually many things which I am grateful for and that changed the tenor of my days. These were small things - like a Coke that hit the spot or a good night's sleep or a funny episode of The Office or a tasty breakfast.

What also helped me was talking with her about all that bothered me - past, present and future. Really talking from the soul. I had lots of therapists but her nonjudgmental listening and loving attention is what helped.

I got a lot of anger out - hitting a punching bag a half hour a day. I would sing at the top of my lungs the songs that expressed what I couldn't articulate in words. (Not while boxing though!)

I would feel peaceful after singing and vigorous exercise and talking to someone who I felt heard me.

Probably more stuff but that's it for now.

One thing is for sure. As long as we don't give up, things will change. Transience is the only certainty.

I believe you will find peace, especially if you don't go the route of drugs and drinking I went on. Bless you.