Relationship Managing her ex

[chris1983]

Hi all
After the advice from my previous post which was amazing and so helpful - I've now read hundreds of articles on body memory and trauma.

one thing that I have noticed recently is that a lot of my g/f attention is on her ex - posting captions/phrases on social media (fb) that are obviously aimed at him. This is the man that abused her for 13 years! Conversations are about him still as it's a very messy court process that is not at the conclusion yet.

I get it! I do!

Does anyone else manage this as at present I we talk about her feelings, her anger her hatred for him and use the coping model to manage this as well about what Is reasonable anxiety and what is not as a grounding technique.

Just wondered if other people encounter tbis and what are there true feelings around it and what do they do to protect themselves emotionally as well as manage the day to day factors that most conversations are still focused on this?

Thanks in advance again

 

[JT80]

I kind of can relate to your situation. My SO was in a long-term narcissistic relationship before I came along and for 2 and a half years it feels like I know her ex just as well as I know my partner. Within the first week of conversation with my SO when I first met her, I heard more stories about her ex than herself.

What makes it worse is that this ex of hers still constantly contacts her. Sends text messages at least once a day, knowing full well that I'm now in the picture and even tries calling her on occasion. When she doesn't answer, her ex sends a text saying things like, "Won't your partner let you answer the phone?" My partner says that she never responds to the texts or gives her ex any indication that she's willing to keep in contact, but she will not put her ex in place and stop it. My partner does tell me a lot of the time about the texts that she gets sent and shows me that she hasn't responded most of the time. Sometimes her ex will deliberately start an argument just to get a response and then I'm left dealing with the anger afterwards. But I don't understand why she doesn't just end it. I've suggested she change her number, too difficult. I've suggested she let me speak to her ex, not worth it. I've come so close to sending her ex a heated message of my own accord, but been told that it'll only make things worse for my partner and her ex will thrive off the drama it's caused.

So, at the end of the day, there's really nothing I can do about it but let it happen and hope that one day the ex will eventually get over it, move on and leave my partner alone. Does it make me question there's something going on behind my back? A lot of the time. But that's where my trust in her comes into play, because what can I really do about it other than let her know that I really don't like it?

 

[Sighs]

@JT80 - does your partner have children with this ex? If not, why doesn't she simply block his number so he can't text her or phone her?

 

[JT80]

No, there are no children involved. I have no idea why she won't just block her ex. She has on social media and everywhere else, but won't do it on her phone.

 

[LuckiLee]

Maybe she should read the articles about body memory and trauma.?.

It sounds like you're in a bad situation. Until she closes that chapter of her life I don't think anything will change.

It reminds me of Princess Di when she said "there's always been three people in our marriage". And that's never a good thing.

Best of luck to you.

 

[chris1983]

As I I'm I'm in bed again with my little boy due to a once again being confronted with I love you and the name of her abusive ex rather than mine. I would agree and clearly say supporting someone with this is at times sh@t.
People can say you can't help what u say in ur sleep but fcuk me this was just as clear as day in what she said.
For as much as we talk about how great things are on here and the progress we along with our partners make at times like this I wish I never bothered at all.
negative rant over - time to try and fleeing - sorry for the rant kinda got no other safe space say it

 

[chris1983]

Sleeping not fleeing - sleepy rant never good

 

[EveHarrington]

Are the Facebook captions along the lines of "die scum, die" or "I will rise above the BS of my past"...? Or are they something else?

 

[chris1983]

No Facebook posting hahahhahaah
Although managed sleep till now!
Which is good for me anyway.
Felt good rant!
We don't recognise how hard it is for us at times

 

[chris1983]

The fb messages she puts in are pissing me off!
It's all bout those who bleed and what not!
Wtf

 

[Friday]

Am I right in the following timeline?

13 years with the Ex
Left 11 months ago
Started dating you 10 months ago.

 

[chris1983]

???