Sexual Assault Marital Rape

[trying2movefwd]

Happens. Happened to me when i was pretty sick, drug accross the home, slammed against a wall. Then a door, he left me all alone there on the floor....triggered ptsd .....flood of molestations,rapes,and pregnancy scares by the guy i called Dad.....there was other types of torture involved....flashbacks keep flooding out....i cant function anymore.....Im a total mess i cant even work and reliving all this is maddening....it really might kill me Now even though it didnt then, anybody else feel this way?

 

[RussH]

@trying2movefwd First let me say that I am sorry for all you have endured. It is horribly wrong for a husband to treat his wife in this manner.
As a male I cannot begin to understand the pain you are feeling. However I did want to respond to your post, to let you know you are not alone in this.

Reliving our trauma can be very traumatic in its own way. I do know as we relive it we sometimes wonder if we will survive, or will the reliving of it kill us.

You will survive it. It will take time and work, but you will survive. Are you in counselling? Do you have a support system? Family? Friends? that can give you emotional support? I hope so.

I do know there are a lot of ladies here on the forum that will respond, and hopefully give you what you need in understanding and support.

 

[hodge]

I sure have felt that way, Trying. It eventually got better with therapy and meds. I still can't work a regular job,but it's better than back in 2008 when I had to apply for disability. I was a total mess . . . not functioning at all, reliving everything, ha, luckily I had a variety of things that happened to me and so I didn't get bored with the same flashback all the time (lol, gotta try to laugh to keep from crying, which however I did plenty of).

Therapy and meds. The only way out is through, which is why therapy is more essential than meds, but meds can help you get through therapy and just every day life, so do consider them.

If you are not in therapy, please make an appointment, asap. Check the yellow pages for therapists' ads. That's how I found my first one post-PTSD. She retired and now I see one at a clinic as needed, but it's nice because my psychiatrist works at the same clinic, so there's coordinated care.

 

[Zanshin]

It does happen, and it's awful.

Very often my absolute worst moments are followed by better ones that make me thankful I'm still here - push through this for the moment, listen to people trying to help, and know you're already so much stronger than you think - you've made it this far.

Be safe, take care of yourself.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

yes dear sweet @trying2movefwd, I have surely been there, totally. The violence, the fears and the flashbacks. Remember, you survived it ALL. You are STRONG. You are here and reliving what was, why!? God I wish I knew. You are a SURVIVOR and you survived because there is a WARRIOR in YOU. Believe me, you can handle this. Do you have any support close by at all? Anyone you can call?

 

[Friday]

Yep. Marital rape absolutely happens.

I was a better fighter than my husband. So he would drug me. Rat bastard.

And it doesn't matter how good a fighter you are, they only have to be lucky or get the drop on you once.

As far as feeling like it didn't kill me then, but it may kill me now? That's part of what keeps me breathing. Pure, unadulterated, stubbornness. It didn't kill me then. Refusing to let it kill me now. Far easier said than done.

 

[Enaila]

If you can find a women's empowerment support group, this might help you in feeling more empowered to stand up to any abusers. The group I attended helped me figure out what was important to me and steps to reach the goal. It gave me the confidence to take the next steps to get myself to a safety. It was offered by a therapist in same business where I was getting individual counseling at the time.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Im on meds. Im in an outpatient hospital program ( thought Friday will be my last day, but they say Im not doing good enough...obviously )so I will probably be there longer. I have support. One is on vacation. I think the other is tired of me. I have a one on one counselor whom I just started seeing a week ago(the one I asked about DBT). I know it will be helpful. I hear it takes a long time though. :( I had been in cccounseling with the first therapist i ever trusted for 14 months, but i was not progressing with her cbt approach at all. We discovered how fragmented I am. Im starting to understand that a little better. When I was 15 life was awful I had made a suicide attempt and no one ever noticed. I never told anyone Until that first therapist. When I have flashbacks from being a teen I tend to get the most suicidal. Its like my inner 15 year old tries to take over. That part of me wants to die as well as the part that took on the domestic violence. I feel ashamed and at fault, unworthy, dirty, terrified, hopeless, and helpless. I have other "parts" at other ages, but irrelevant to the suicide topic. Being this way and knowing it I just feel like a weirdo and very emotionally immature...who wants to be around that? More so, who wants to "be" like that. I spent 10 years of child abuse (physical, sexual, and mental) on a daily..multiple times a day...from the man I called Dad! Thats sick. Then I chose a mate similar to him to abuse me off and on for 13 years. I feel deformed, wonder why on earth Im here? My purpose? Go ahead abuse me, its easier that way....I get out and the mind abusing itsself seems more torturous. The PTSD is worse than actual trauma...at least I can "split", with that. *sigh* and thanks for being here. I never thought id be this open with a group of strangers.

 

[The Albatross]

First marriage was where I experienced marital rapes... he was a sexual sadist. I chose a first marital partner similar to my abuser (father) too, Each thing is a stand alone thing though. If ya roll it up into a big ball, it's gonna crush ya. Take good care and separate your issues as/when you are able.