Marriage 50/50 partnership?

[NewBeginnings]

If it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't have mentioned it in this thread IMHO.

It's clearly botheri...

Thank you - I will reflect.

I have watched other posts when it seems that objective responses seem to be right on and yet it is so hard to see when I am in the middle of it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, when we are in the middle of things it IS hard to see clearly. Do you have a really close friend that might be able to reflect on your relationship with your husband???? Sometimes when others see what's going on they don't say anything for fear of upsetting the person, and it's not their business. But given permission to speak up, it may help,you tomseemifmyou aremright or wrong with your assumptions about your husband.

I had a close friend once that saw things, that I didn't. I asked her once what the hell was wrong. She gentle pointed things out. I watched, I really looked at things and in the end she was sooooooooo right!!!!!!

 

[The Albatross]

I like the 50/50 idea because to me 100/100 percent is an unattainable utopian relationship. Also because it "reserves" a portion for me and for my partner for ourselves and for others including "co-" or mutual relational aspects of life. Another reason is that if either he or I think that we are doing 100% of anything it leads to resentment. There are charts about leading balanced lives and we learned some of those models and have benefited by them.

For instance, Wheel of Life Balance (individuals): Link Removed
and for relationships/marriage/families...
http://static1.squarespace.com/stat...2c7/t/55a91458e4b0a4c3c8b3f031/1437144152917/

There is a quote that has a really good analogy about life balance that has helped me a lot though the original intent was to discuss the balance between "life and work":

"Balance Your Life"
Brian Dyson (? I think )
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some 5 balls in the air.
You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit. And you are keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, friends, health and spirit are made of glass.

If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed or damaged or even shattered. They will be never the same.

You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.

A longer version goes on and has some excellent sage advice/tips here:
Juggle Balls

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@The Albatross
I like the ball juggling metaphor.
As far as 50/50 vs. 100/100 goes, I think it's all a matter of perspective. If the concepts are easier to grasp by looking at it from a 50/50 perspective, then by all means do that. I frame marriage the other way because, to me, 50/50 is only making half an effort. Lol. There's still plenty of "me" left over in my marriage.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Do you have a really close friend that might be able to reflect on your relationship with your husband????

I do have a couple of friends who I could talk with- that said no one knows what has been going on for me. When everything began to surface for me, after a significant event, my friends strongly encouraged me around therapy but I never shared any of my past with them. I guess it may clarify if I am just being overly sensitive to the situation.

(On a side note - pretty much any one who knows both of us has said to me they do not know how I could be married. - the spin has usually been something around "you are a better person than me because I would never be able to put up with xyz". I hadn't given it much thought and never asked what was meant by that.)

have written and re-written this response because it doesn't sound good and finally I just had to press send....

 

[scout86]

it doesn't sound good

Sometimes 'the truth' doesn't sound good. It is what it is, you know? What matters the most is that the information you gather is accurate. Therapy can help a lot with that. It's hard to be objective when you're in the middle of the story yourself and are trying to work with ideas you learned from childhood that may not accurate either.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@crying.on.inside Your response to me speaks volumes.... I would sit down with one of your friends and ask them to be honest and upfront about how they feel about your husband, your marriage and how they feel about you and how you deal with all of it!!!!!

 

[Nessa7]

What happens if you do something that goes against your husband's preferences? Do you feel like you can do these things if you wanted to?

 

[NewBeginnings]

It's hard to be objective when you're in the middle of the story yourself and are trying to work with ideas you learned from childhood that may not accurate either.

Thank you for your response.
I think what I meant was it sounds worse than it is. I do struggle with what healthy may look like because of my childhood but it is so much better than what I experienced so not so sure. It is not abusive.

 

[NewBeginnings]

@crying.on.inside Your response to me speaks volumes.... I would sit down with on...

Vulnerable... your response went really deep and not sure I could face to face be that blunt... and not sure how to take it...scared to the core of the conversation, where it could lead, and to hear someone say aloud what they really think sounds so embarrassing and humiliating. I had no idea but the thought of this is major triggering. Sorry. I appreciate your being blunt and didn't realize how much I must be holding on to something.

 

[scout86]

but it is so much better than what I experienced so not so sure. It is not abusive.

I think that's totally legitimate. But, maybe keep in mind that you're not sure. (yet) I'm not fond of labels. I think things can be "unacceptable" even if they aren't "abusive". I was married for 12 years. My ex wasn't what I'd call "abusive". But, I set the bar kind of low. He never hit me. LOL There's room for debate whether or not he was abusive, I guess. In the end, it just wasn't a relationship that was working and he wasn't willing to change anything. And, when I thought about it, "Why should he?" Because things were totally the way he wanted them. Of course he was satisfied. The thing is, if he'd actually loved ME, not what I could do, or what i represented, or what ever, then he'd have been willing to change. In fact, the marriage really WAS all about him. So, whether he was technically abusive or not, it wasn't a situation, when it came right down to it, that I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. (Unless I'd been sure and ok with the the idea that 'the rest of my life' was going to be pretty short.)

There's no way for any of us to judge your situation real accurately from this far away. We all tend to see things through the lens of our own experiences too. But, personally, I've found that there are a lot of areas where the way I tend to see things, especially the way I tend to value myself (or not, to be more accurate) are kind of skewed and it really helps to have an objective person to run stuff by.

BTW, when I started discussing the fact that I was considering divorce with friends? Even those who liked my ex? They were all more sure I should leave than I was. And none of them seemed to think I was "the bad guy". (And I couple said, "I could have told you that before you married him, if you'd asked.")

 

[NewBeginnings]

What happens if you do something that goes against your husband's preferences?

Mostly I don't go a different way because it is usually small stuff and in the end it doesn't really matter. But I go my own way..
Say I have started to make "x" for dinner and he wants me to also make "y" and I don't then he keeps telling me how that is what he wants. I can tell he is disappointed. But we still have what I have made.
Or if I buy something for the kids that he doesn't approve of - well in that case- I end up returning it.
Or when I drive and he is in the car he constantly critiques my driving but I still drive
TV - I don't really watch it anymore but when I did it was his choice - and sometimes he would pick up movies he knew I would like
Ok - enough complaining...
This is pretty powerful - I have talked about this in therapy for awhile and my t has asked similar questions but it is really now that it is maybe beginning to sink in that there is a lot of little things