Masturbation causing Dissociation. Should I stop?

[LeiaFlower]

I started masturbation I think at age nine following the end of the sexual abuse. I think I did it to continue the feel good emotion tied to the abuse. It was always compulsive and still feels out of control now. I want to stop because my inner child thinks it’s disgusting. I also read that if you have an addiction it can prevent memories from resurfacing so I want to stop for that reason. However I can’t. I tried and the longest I have gotten is a few months. But relapsed when I went into crisis with my therapist. Since then the longest I’ve gotten is a few days maybe a week.

I know it’s normal. However, it’s tied to the sexual abuse. My abuser use to molest me by oral sex fingering and touching my genitals. Due to that I started masturbating when I discovered I can do it by myself.

It’s also causing dissociation. I either dissociate from myself or my emotions tied to it. So I can pretend I’m not actually doing this.

I wonder, do I need to change my thinking on this and simply radically accept? Or should I slowly ween or cold turkey from doing this?

 

[Movingforward10]

That's the problem with harm happening to us in a sexual way. As sexual activity that we consent to as adults is entirely normal and healthy. I see it as people who have food addictions/problems. People still need to eat. It's learning to do that in a way that is healthy.

Masturbating is normal. If you want to pleasure yourself that way: it's ok.

However, if it's causing you distress. It's the distress that needs work on. I can't remember if you have a therapist?

I wonder if shifting your view on it will help?
You're not your abuser. When you masturbate you start that activity and you are doing it to yourself. No one is in control of you but you. So working through how you can take away the feeling of abuse or that you are only doing this because you were abused, might help relieve some of the distress.

It doesn't sound, from the bit you have shared, that it's out of control or an addiction? You can go days, weeks, months without doing it. Maybe everyone's views of addiction is different. But I would see it as problematic (for me) if it was happening several times a day and it was making me not be able to do other things. Like not wanting to have sex with my partner. Or impacting my life in some way.

 

[Friday]

I think it depends on whether or not you want masturbation -&/or genital stimulation, arousal, orgasm, by any means- in your life, and how much you care about/value having it in your life.

- I can think of dozens of triggers & stressors that are not only wonderful/healthy/amazing, but that I also very strongly want in & a part of my life.

- I can think of hundreds that fall somewhere in between those 2 high priority markers (amazing & deeply valued …. All the way down to… useful & important). So I prioritize them less, but are still on my list of triggers & stressors to sort out, when & as I can.

- I can think of hundreds of things that I fall somewhere between DGAF & really couldn’t care less about.

- I can think of a few dozen things that I wouldn’t/don’t want in my life, under any circumstance; the fact that they’re tied to trauma, changes that not at all.

If sex is something you value highly? Yep. Working on those triggers & stressors to minimize or eliminate symptoms attaching, would be an important part of recovering.

If you DGAF, then once the things you actually care about sorting, are sorted.

If you don’t want arousal, stimulation, orgasm, sex, etc. in your life? Then why waste the time & effort?

 

[LeiaFlower]

That's the problem with harm happening to us in a sexual way. As sexual activity that we consent to as adults is entirely normal and healthy. I see it as people who have food addictions/problems. People still need to eat. It's learning to do that in a way that is healthy.

Masturbating is normal. If you want to pleasure yourself that way: it's ok.

However, if it's causing you distress. It's the distress that needs work on. I can't remember if you have a therapist?

I wonder if shifting your view on it will help?
You're not your abuser. When you masturbate you start that activity and you are doing it to yourself. No one is in control of you but you. So working through how you can take away the feeling of abuse or that you are only doing this because you were abused, might help relieve some of the distress.

It doesn't sound, from the bit you have shared, that it's out of control or an addiction? You can go days, weeks, months without doing it. Maybe everyone's views of addiction is different. But I would see it as problematic (for me) if it was happening several times a day and it was making me not be able to do other things. Like not wanting to have sex with my partner. Or impacting my life in some way.

Thank you for replying. I find myself shaming my body and thoughts for even thinking about masturbation. I do know it’s something I need to work on with my therapist. I have a sex therapist that also specializes in body work. However, she doesn’t want us talking about trauma instead we’re focusing on relationships. Which is semi helpful.

Even though there was times I went months weeks even without it, I still think it’s an addiction because it has so much shame tied to it and is causing problems like with the dissociation. I also, during climax, say my abuser name I know it’s disgusting but it just comes out and then to prevent myself from breaking down my mind numbs out. Or I say my best friends name or even my therapist followed by the words “Rape me” it’s repulsive. And I don’t want to engage in it. But I feel like I have to.

 

[Movingforward10]

I get it.

I sometimes have fantasties that I am really ashamed about. I've worked with my T to put those thoughts away. Can you work with your T about it?
Sounds like it's saying someone's name and those words at the point of climax that causes the most distress? So working on your thought processes around that might help.

You are in control of what you say and what you do. Even if you feel compelled to say or think something. Working on saying "no" to that message in your head. Or "not this time" or whatever works.

 

[Friday]

I still think it’s an addiction because it has so much shame tied to it and is causing problems like with the dissociation.

A double handful of disorders & conditions have guilt/shame attached to various thoughts/feelings/actions, and cause symptomatic reactions.

Substance abuse/addition? Is only one of those many disorders & conditions.

PTSD & Trauma? Is another one.

As you already know you have PTSD, I would be extra careful that it’s not Avoidance assigning a super common PTSD thing, with an entirely different source & solution set. Double/Triple/Infinitely more careful when you’re assigning it a source (like addiction) whose solution (best treatment) is avoiding things that remind you of your trauma.

It’s like someone who has an eating disorder may also have medical conditions that restrict their diets tremendously (like celiacs, nut allergies) in addition to moral imperatives/decisions Veganism. All too often, however, people who are perfectly fine with meat, dairy, eggs, honey, wheat, & nuts? Are being reeeally symptomatic in their restrictions, and assigning the totally normal symptoms from their disorder to other causes

 

[LeiaFlower]

A double handful of disorders & conditions have guilt/shame attached to various thoughts/feelings/actions, and cause symptomatic reactions.

Substance abuse/addition? Is only one of those many disorders & conditions.

PTSD & Trauma? Is another one.

As you already know you have PTSD, I would be extra careful that it’s not Avoidance assigning a super common PTSD thing, with an entirely different source & solution set. Double/Triple/Infinitely more careful when you’re assigning it a source (like addiction) whose solution (best treatment) is avoiding things that remind you of your trauma.

It’s like someone who has an eating disorder may also have medical conditions that restrict their diets tremendously (like celiacs, nut allergies) in addition to moral imperatives/decisions Veganism. All too often, however, people who are perfectly fine with meat, dairy, eggs, honey, wheat, & nuts? Are being reeeally symptomatic in their restrictions, and assigning the totally normal symptoms from their disorder to other causes

Can you explain in a different way what you mean? I might be getting the gist that avoiding masturbation could also be harmful for me due to it also may be avoiding my trauma. Though I’m not talking about forever stopping it. I’m just not in a healthy space sexually to engage in it

I get it.

I sometimes have fantasties that I am really ashamed about. I've worked with my T to put those thoughts away. Can you work with your T about it?
Sounds like it's saying someone's name and those words at the point of climax that causes the most distress? So working on your thought processes around that might help.

You are in control of what you say and what you do. Even if you feel compelled to say or think something. Working on saying "no" to that message in your head. Or "not this time" or whatever works.

Thank you, I feel less alone after you said this, so thank you. I’ll try the tip of saying no