Maternal Attachment

[anonymous]

There is a certain type of woman that I find myself forming a ridiculously un-realistic attachment to. They become this sort of ideal mother figure.

I am feeling this way about a lady who has done some self-esteem work with me. I am logical and I understand that she can't be that figure and that it is just my emotional reaction to her. It's not something I would let her know and I'm quite embarrassed of it.

So part of me is feeling that I should have no more contact with her, and another part wants to stop the feeling happening and just be normal.

I was wondering if others get this, and what can be done about it?

 

[Leah123]

Goodness- I've felt this attachment to many women in my life, primarily teachers and therapists. What can I say- my mother failed me, but that doesn't mean I don't crave a good one. I love wise women, kind women, older women, interesting women. I aspire to be one!

As far as what to do about it... well, I enjoy their company as best I can, I try to return the gift of their time and attention as best I can, and continually remind myself to keep a little detachment so I don't over-commit myself, don't overstep our roles.

 

[maddog]

Very, very normal reaction, and almost inevitable in the case of disrupted childhood attachments. It could even be said that it's very healthy to identify and be attracted towards healthy parental figures - it shows the capacity for healthy attachment instinct and an awareness of the traits and qualities of good and trustworthy people.

In other words, it's really not something to be ashamed of... which, speaking from personal experience, is much easier said than done. It's why transference in therapy is such a common occurrence and has been the subject of so much writing and discussion, some of which sadly pathologises the phenomena and some of which takes a more pragmatic and healthy viewpoint on why it happens and what to do about it.

What to do about it really depends on the nature, type and duration of your relationship with this woman I suppose. If she is someone you will be continuing to work with, have a good rapport with and feel able to talk to about personal issues, it may be appropriate to discuss the matter with her to some degree. But if not, I think Lee gives some good advice for staying aware and looking after yourself. It is hard, but worth the effort, to try to make the most of healthy relationships and to enjoy what they have to offer, without putting people on a pedestal or trying to find something in the relationship that isn't there. So it's probably good to remind yourself of what it is that you need from her, how it is that she can realistically help you and what other people/situations might help you to supplement or reinforce those things, so that you're not developing a single reliance on her for this form of support.

This depends on your individual support network of course...

Truly, I think that insight and awareness as half the battle, and clearly you have those. I'm sorry that it hurts and is hard, but glad that you have such a good and strong role model in your life.

Maddog

 

[Pencil]

I've battled with this all my life, and the only way in which I can cope is to end all contact and run like hell.