Sqweak,
It's interesting that I clicked on your post tonight, as tonight I had a big break through with my partner, and it has to do with what you are talking about. Reading your post, and other's comments helped me see more clearly. I don't know if reading this will help you, but this thread of posts helped me.
When I get upset, I shut down, because I feel like I shouldn't feel the hurt or anger that is stirred up in me by something someone says or does. Often, I am triggered by innocent things. That happened this evening. When I got triggered tonight, I got quiet like I always do, because I am wrestling with the fear and anger. My partner said to me that I had "gone silent" on her again. She wanted me to talk to her about what was going on inside.
So, I took a leap of faith, and instead of telling her nothing was wrong I talked to her. As I was sitting there relaying to her about the abandonment issues and how I got triggered, it sounded so lame. I wandered why I couldn't just get over it, and I even had the thought of, "Do I just do this for attention?" Then I realized that the reason I am so hard on myself, feel ashamed and question my reality is because I never got the support and assurance I needed and deserved except from a therapist.
My dad is a total narcissistic, selfish jerk who always turns the conversation to himself if I try to talk to him about my issues. Or, he lectures me about how I should just get over it. This is particularly infuriating considering he's the asshole that turned a blind eye to my mom's physical and emotional abuse, because he is a coward of epic proportions. My oldest sister lives in a bubble, because she was the "golden child". She was spared most of the abuse, and her reality of our childhood is totally different from mine. She tries, but she doesn't get it. She doesn't have anxiety disorders or abandonment issues or PTSD. Only my middle sister understands, but she is hard to talk to because of her own issues. My husband was also a narcissistic, abusive jerk who only thought about himself.
So, until now, I have never had anyone who wanted to hear what I had to say or who listened without their eyes glazing over. I learned to shut up as a kid because my feelings didn't count. My reality was always nullified and dismissed by other screwed up people, so as an adult (and even as a child) I started questioning my reality and telling myself that I was a loser or weak or lame or just wanting attention. I even started questioning my own memories even though I know them to be true and so many of them are verified by my sisters' and dad's memories of what happened.
It wasn't until I started writing about the abuse and a friend read some of my writing and said to me, "I don't know how you and your sister are even able to function after what you endured," that I understood how "real" my reality is. What I feel isn't lame. My experiences are not made up. I don't want to be this way, but I am this way because of what happened.
Just because you can't remember exactly when things happened, and you have blanks in your memory, doesn't mean what happened wasn't real. In fact, I think it is normal for people who suffer from PTSD to experience exactly what you are experiencing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Spero
