News Me too?

[Deleted member 41765]

Or are you a perpetual victim who sees victim blaming everywhere you go?

This remark is both insulting and uncalled for. Please keep such statements to yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

A few hours went by and I had received a few likes and sad emoji reactions to my post and then out of the blue, I received a phone call from my brother. In a rather abrupt manner he asked why I had posted that on social media, and if it was true, why was this the first time he was hearing about it.

This in and of itself does not strike me as victim blaming unless he was taking it to the degree you were wrong to speak out at all or blaming you for the assault because of how you were sharing or shaming you in this. Anorher possible interpretation (and you know your brother and your family the best) is that maybe wanted to protect his sister and help but didn't know help was needed. And still isn't sure how to be helpful.

My mother had surgery once and didn't tell me (or anyone in the family) until after. I was upset she didn't tell me. I wanted to be there for her. I also did my best to honor that she gets to decide who she tells and how and when. Her body, her pain, her life.

As to posting on social media and not telling family before that, in the the grand scheme of things, I see why he's upset. Social media isn't a good format to let family know to heavy stuff, but I don't think that's really what his real upset is about it, or should be about. His focus should be on the real problem of the fact you were sexually assaulted, not how you mustered up the courage to say you were assaulted.

Good on you for holding boundaries with him. I hope things are getting easier.

 

[EveHarrington]

Please keep such statements to yourself.

It was a question. One in which I was challenging your thoughts. I don't take kindly to people telling me to shut up. don't silence me.

I think you have no clue what victim blaming is. Victim blaming is when you blame a victim for the manner in which they became a victim. "It's your fault you got raped because you wore a short skirt". Victim blaming does not extend beyond this to other behavior as you have assumed. It's like saying "you can't blame me for not taking out the trash because I was raped".

 

[Deleted member 41765]

It was a question.

Right. An insulting and uncalled for question.

And I think you've no idea as to what I know or do not.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@trying to heal I think that your brother was extremely insensitive. Just not the way to approach someone that has been a victim of sexual assault.

 

[Cyberluddite]

There are things I've told my best friend about my life that I couldn't tell my grandparents (who provided a safe place for me, during the teenage years when I'd visit their farmhouse on summer breaks in another part of the country.) It's the sense of "degree of distance" that empowers us to speak, @trying to heal , when those same words to our family would endanger us. That is the power of social media, and it is also the risk.

Your brother is expressing his anger, but his anger isn't really with you. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate... but we only fear and attack those who are stronger than us. Your brother might've just learned that he wasn't the only one going through it, either. Part of the shock when it comes to this sort of situation shows up as a false sense of betrayal, and it can often manifest as "victim shaming".

Many women experience it from their own female friends, especially when they only see the abuser from outside. On social media, well, not everyone is as nice as they seem -- I believe the terms are "fairweather friends" and "trolls". You can usually tell who they are by saying something that counters their ironclad worldview.

The best thing to do is to realize that the online world is just the magnified version of what we're like in the real world. It's a fantasy, it's not real, and your brother isn't really angry... he's hurt by his own illusions. At least he's got a good enough heart to not be a troll. Give him time, he'll work through it. Much love and respect.

 

[EveHarrington]

Right. An insulting and uncalled for question.

And I think you've no idea as to what I know...

And yet you still try to control me.

What's up with that?

(I really think the "uncalled for" phrase is a bit ridiculous given that most communication is not "called for".)

My question wasn't meant to insult you. I'm sorry you took it that way.

 

[Sideways]

I know hat originally, Milano encouraged people to include their story with the Me Too message, but many people have chosen not to. Like any personal information, there is no ‘civic duty’ to shed your privacy. If you feel like speaking out will help you personally, then do that. If not? There’s enough undeserved guilt goes along with sexual abuse without adding “I wasn’t part of the Me Too thing” to the mix.

How much you share? When you share it? Is something that should be part of the consideration. People may ask questions. People won’t understand. They may have unpredictable emotional responses, they may react in ways that we didn’t see coming and don’t understand and don’t find helpful. That’s the case with any type of disclosure.

It’s not fair. We should be encouraged to just disclose what we’re ready to disclose. Part of the problem of the subculture of sexual abuse is that in being unaware of the extent of the issue, the community also doesn’t know how to discuss the issue. People don’t know how to have a dialogue about this issue in a way that is respectful of victims. Hopefully this campaign will start to change some of that. But it’s something to be aware of before diving in.

But I guess for anyone considering putting out a Me Too message, do keep in mind that the sexual abuse that you’re dealing with is not in the same league as this campaign is primarily aimed at, and its perfectly ok to not join in. It’s private, and it’s ok to keep it that way.

Disclosure in any form is something that warrants talking through with your T, because it is a big deal, and it should be done in a way that supports your recovery.

 

[Justmehere]

@ShikibuZ and @EveHarrington - you have both expressed your view points on what each other has written. Time to drop it and move on to keep the thread on track. I encourage you both to use the ignore button if you need to do so.

 

[Friday]

almost feels like victim blaming

I'm liking the conversation this is driving out in the world. One of which is a parallel campaign of "Survivors Don't Owe You Their Stories" // Which is the kissing-cousin to victim-blaming (2B The Perfect Victim Thou Shalt _______) that I think you were picking up on.

 

[Teasel]

I like the hash tag, like anything that raises awareness. I chose not to join in. I shared the jackson katz quote instead.

 

[Justmehere]

A family member just reached out. She said she really needed to reminder that I posed on FB that she should not feel pressured to share her story. That was it and I didn't push for anything else. Simply listened and empathized.

I've known there is a story, but only from other family members... she has not been able to remember most of her childhood and struggles to even say anything about anything about like before 20 or even much about her life now... and I have never pushed for it. But tried to be safe. No one else in my family is safe.

Somehow this statement by her just nearly did my heart in.