Medication Compliance

[catjudo]

Agree with others, you definitely need to let him know. He needs to know that you're still struggling with taking the medication so that he can help you.

I would urge you to not put energy into worrying about whether or psychiatrist will "fire" you. Be willing to hear what the psychiatrist has to say but also do your best to let her know what you're thinking and feeling about this whole medication issue. Let her know what you don't like about the medication...she may have a suggestion of something you could try instead of the Saphris (she may not, but you never know unless you have the conversation with her). As for the other medications that you're not taking full doses of...are you avoiding side effects or just the idea of medication in general? Let her know this. But the one thing that comes across in all that you've written is that you're not just refusing to take medication. You're not saying that you won't go back on them. But you are struggling with the idea. As long as your psychiatrist sees that you're making an effort but struggling with it, I see no reason why she would "fire" you. And if she does, then she probably wasn't the best psychiatrist for you and it is comforting that your therapist has let you know that he will be there for you and help you find a new psychiatrist if it becomes necessary.

Finally, I also agree you should do away with that "my fault" thinking. There is no need for blame in this. You made a choice. You are now seeing the results of that choice and you don't seem to like where your mood is or where it is heading. So you are trying to make a different choice but you're struggling. It is okay. Beating up on yourself and assigning blame are only going to take a negative toll on your mood but certainly not help improve anything. Please, be kind to yourself.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Ayesha
Lots of good advice here! My two cents is that what I hear you expressing is a craving for your manic state of mind. You both love it and hate it. Is this accurate? Cravings can be a real bugger.

Every med has a benefit/risk ratio. You get to decide what risk you are willing to take to get the benefit from the drug. And sometimes we simply need a medication vacation. You say you have 70 days til school starts again? Maybe on some level you are wanting to change things up a bit.

Just remember that the state of mind you go to school with is well adjusted, focused, fairly or very rational as well as other positive attributes. That works in every other arena too!!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Guilt is you saying to yourself that you need to be punished. No need for that you work so hard and you didn't pick up a drink. A big hug for that. If that's all you accomplished today, well that's HUGE.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just told my therapist by texting him. Probably being a bit of a coward but I told him.

Basically what I think I am hearing from @catjudo @TimeToHeal and @KwanYingirl is that I am allowed to have feeling on the matter and I can have a say?

I feel not so great today. I feel like the medication (the ones I am taking) is trying it's best to contain me. If that makes sense.

I believe the antipsychtic works in two ways at least for me. The long term: it clears my head and stabilizes my mood. Short term: It sedates me like a tranquilizer. When I take it it knocks me out within 10 minutes and then I feel hung over for most of the next day, so I think this is sort of fast acting. If you are sort of on the edge of a mania cliff like I seem to be I think the saphris will pull me back...It will take my body over a week to shake off the drugged feeling.

I am probably repeating myself. I am having a hard time focusing.

it is comforting that your therapist has let you know that he will be there for you and help you find a new psychiatrist if it becomes necessary.

It is. It was very comforting to hear that. He is good at his job and he is a great therapist. He also seems to know that all this does not define my character...

So you are trying to make a different choice but you're struggling.

Yes.

I hear you expressing is a craving for your manic state of mind.

Yes, sort of and I really don't want too. I just keeping thinking about school and how it might damage that.

Just remember that the state of mind you go to school with is well adjusted, focused, fairly or very rational as well as other positive attributes. That works in every other arena too!!!!

:)

A big hug for that. If that's all you accomplished today, well that's HUGE.

Thanks! It is, thanks for the reminder!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Ayesha
I've taken three different antipsychotics that are atypical. I've never heard of saphris. I don't get sedated from mine-actually I wish it would I have so much trouble sleeping aarrrggghhh. I take Geodon 80mg twice a day. Has your psychiatrist considered using the atypical antipsychotics? Geodon is proving to have the least side effects like weight gain.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I see her on Monday. We have never talked of changing my antipsychotic. I was on it before I ever met her. Saphris is atypical and it's also pretty new. 2007 if I remember right.

I will come back to this thread in the evening or tomorrow. I am probably should do some re-think of what I wrote about or what I should reply. I can't focus.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think it might be a good idea to give my car keys to my husband. I have a little sports car which I really love but it's not the first time I thought it might not be the safest car if you get suicidal or manic.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I worry this will come out wrong, I wanted to write this earlier in the day but my husband had a panic attack and picked a fight with me in the middle of writing the post. So instead it was smile or one word.

I am just basing this off of what my therapist told me. My therapist has known me for a long time and he didn't diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder until he had known me for a long time. He thinks much of what is going on is medication. The medication is harsh, I messed with a lot of harsh medication, I took some, didn't take others, took half doses, took full doses, didn't take some for days. I really f*cked with it. The harsh part is my opinion, based off of years of taking it.

Spent a good much of the day gritting my teeth, being impatience, I keep messing up with I talk out loud. I keep slurring my words and feeling like my skin was crawling. Actually shaking and...damn it! I could have taken Xanax. So stupid...:banghead::banghead::banghead: I am paraphrasing from Harry Potter here but something like I both am trying to be manic and not be manic all at the same time and the result is painful. All my medication I mean. It's all medication. I was still taking some of it faithful for awhile but my sleep was pretty off.

I acknowledge much to my deep shame...I have over an entire supply of saphris (at least a month and half worth of medication) and no Lithium ( I have a reserve supply a enough until Monday, when I see my psychiatrist)...That is how much I haven't been taking my antipsychotic.

Therapist didn't answer the text, but that's okay. I sent it. I did my end. I told him. It's also the weekend and he might have missed it. He didn't need to answer, there wasn't a need.

But right now...And now I am actually a bit calm. I took a bath and I just told myself I will take all my medication and get into bed, including saphris. Maybe even the full dose. Maybe. I already took everything else. I cleansed and scrubbed all myself down and now I am all warm and a bit sleepy....still a bit shaky, my thoughts are calmer but at least...I am trying.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I got about 5 hours of sleep even with the saphris knocking me out. Got out of bed with all the same feelings. I am still just as restless, annoyed and pinned up.

I see all my doctor's tomorrow.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel so foolish. I feel like this must be some terrible misunderstanding. I also feel terrible, my balance is worse then normal and I am more foggy then normal.

Maybe I...I gave my therapist the wrong impression. Maybe there is nothing wrong at all. Maybe he is wrong. Maybe I was manipulating him. It will probably be okay in a few days and I will feel like an idiot.

And I had this thought that he asked me if I had been drinking becasue I had actually been behaving like I was drunk in therapy.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Oh dearest @Ayesha! I am beginning to realize that you are quite like me - you think too much!!!

How could you have given your therapist the wrong impression? Why (and how) on earth would you be manipulating your therapist? Did you misrepresent yourself, your feelings, your situation, in an attempt to gain something from him, or to persuade him to do something he otherwise wouldn't?

And yes, something IS wrong - you are miserable, you've stopped taking (at least most of) your medication, you're not sleeping well.... Go back and read some of your recent posts, especially the ones in your diary.

As a side note - I suspect you were feeling so groggy and the like because you did only get 5 hours of sleep after taking the saphris (good for you for taking it, by the way!). I know on some level you already know this but - one or two nights of taking your meds isn't going to miraculously "fix" everything in one fell swoop. Medications take awhile to get (back) in your system; not only that, but you'll also have to make some changes in your behavior, your daily actions. You're keeping yourself stuck in your house all day, just about everyday. Get outside, get some fresh air and enjoy some sunshine! Go shopping, buy yourself a new, cute dress, or a new perfume set - something that will make you smile and feel excited about life again!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel slow and sedated. I really don't think I like this feeling. :cry: I also feel lightheaded and I have a headache.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Psychiatrist changed my medication. Adding more lithium to the mix becasue I am okay with it and decreasing the saphris to 5mg which is what I have been taking becasue I am more willing to take it. She talked about taking me off it completely, but it does help and it helps me sleep.

Topamax she kept the same, we decided to give it some more time.

She asked me about denial. Denial of what, I asked. Denial about being ill, denial about needing medication. I don't know the answer to this question. I wonder if this:

Maybe I...I gave my therapist the wrong impression. Maybe there is nothing wrong at all. Maybe he is wrong. Maybe I was manipulating him. It will probably be okay in a few days and I will feel like an idiot.

is denial.

She told me to expect a bit of depression. She said more then likely it will happen now that I have had an 'up' I will probably have a 'down' too. What will help is getting my medication back to where it was.

She seemed happy I saw my therapist on Friday, happy I am seeing him again today. She wants me back in 2 weeks. She is "worried about me". As long as "hospital" doesn't come up yet we are okay. I can do this, I can re-stabilize.

She told me a lot..."Why didn't you tell me?" "Why didn't you call me?" and "Don't mess with your medication yourself."