Meditation and realisation

[fly away home]

So I have been trying to do the whole self care thing which involves meditating. I'm new to it and it's challenging me which works better in a way that indulging myself because I feel that I don't deserve peace so to not get that peaceful feeling straight away means I can continue to try and mediate. I fail and that's what I deserve cause I'm a failure... That's how my mind works.

Anyhow the other day I was listening to my endless chatter in my head and getting really angry at myself for not being able to "still" my brain when all of a sudden I heard my own head yelling at myself, calling myself horrid things and being down right nasty.

Then a terrible realisation came to me that if I talk to myself in this way all the time and that's normal how am I with other people? I know sometimes I am this impatient with my own daughter. I don't use the same words but the frustration is there. The thoughts are there and I don't want to be this way.

I have come to see that I need to change NOW. If I'm not kind, gentle or patient with myself how on earth can I be these things with my daughter.

So here's to being kind, here's to being gentle and here's to being patient with myself, with the ones I love and maybe one day with the ones I don't.

Felt sick to the stomach with guilt when this hit me but at least it's something I can change.

 

[ms spock]

To reframe it a bit.

Your mind will endlessly chatter. It is called a monkey mind. That is what minds do - they wander off. They chatter and they have lots of thoughts. Even people who have meditated for a long time can have this problem from time to time.

So my mind chatters a lot. So I reframed it - I notice my mind wandering and I bring back my focus to my breathing or meditation practice, yoga or Tai Chi - whatever it is I am doing at the time.

The important thing is not to expect your mind to be still. Don't get angry as you notice the monkey mind chattering. That is unreasonable of you to expect your mind to be anything else than what it is - a mind. Minds have thoughts - that is just how it is. So you notice the thoughts. Sometimes I mentally wave at my thoughts and refocus on my breathing.

Just refocus on your breath and go okay that mind of mine is sure chattering today. Don't buy in to the thoughts of the right or wrong way of doing things. It is what it is.

Perhaps some reading on mindfulness would be helpful.

Ease up and just do a little bit each day.

If you still keep getting angry then notice the anger and then refocus on your breathing or body scan.

 

[ms spock]

I feel that I don't deserve peace so to not get that peaceful feeling straight away means I can continue to try and mediate. I fail and that's what I deserve cause I'm a failure... That's how my mind works.

Your mind is very similar to a lot of other minds I have bumped into and chatted to, including my own.

One thing that I learnt at a Mindfulness Course last year was to have no expectation of your meditation. You do it and it is a struggle. No problem. You do it and it is relaxing good. No problem.

Just don't expect the meditation to be any way or to produce a state in you.

I hope that makes sense. It was relief for me when I could let all that go.

I am learning as well, so this is my understanding as it is now.

 

[arfie]

I was introduced to meditation techniques in the '60s as a teenager. My own biggest problem with meditation has been translating the oughts and naughts of a well-written page to the messy organic goo between my ears. It feels like the process of turning an Olympic athlete's handbook into Gold Medal. Every say in the book has years of practice and conditioning attached. After half a century of inconsistent practice, I am still sorting.

I think of my own meditation as an inventory. It is what it is. It goes where it goes. When my meditations keep turning to anger, I accept that angry is my current inventory and decide what to do with it. Change NOW is typically not a realistic expectation in my own messy organic goo. The goo just squeezes out of the cracks between the lines.

Guess I am suggesting gentle patience with the process. It is an on-going practice. A messy, organic one. Unlike words on paper, brains, et al, are full of ooey goo. Every cell has a life of its own.

 

[shell]

I think it's normal when your meditating to have to keep refocusing on your breath, to control all the thoughts that come up, you are not doing anything wrong. Acknowledge it, refocus on the breath, over and over again. The more you focus on trying to quieten your thoughts the worse they will become.

I find being kind to myself, acknowledge that I am thinking, and then redirect my focus back to my breath works best for me. I struggle to stay awake when I meditate which when I am trying to be mindful is not what I was aiming for, it is just so relaxing.

As for the inner self critic, talk to yourself like you would you would your best friend, I was my own worst enemy, I would tell myself I deserved to die. Be kind to yourself, for me it was the way out of depression, it can make a difference to everything, when you stop beating yourself up.

 

[Mercy]

I have come to see that I need to change NOW. If I'm not kind, gentle or patient with myself how on earth can I be these things with my daughter.

Great observation!
:rolleyes:
One of the most healing things I have done along the way is to stop calling myself names. They are not originally my thoughts. They belong to the abusers. You deserve to be treated kindly, gentlely, and patientally especially by yourself. It may take some time to erase the name calling. Sometimes I folded a piece of paper down the middle. I wrote the nasty words of one side of the paper and the antidote on the other. Soon the good phrase came back easily to refute the bad phrase or words. It was a bit like bowling, knocking down one pin at a time.:tup:

One thing that I learnt at a Mindfulness Course last year was to have no expectation of your meditation. You do it and it is a struggle. No problem. You do it and it is relaxing good. No problem.

:hug:

Yes, true. I also learned in a class about prayer and meditation that wayward thoughts will come up, but you can just let them float by. "You don't have to invite them in for tea." What a hoot, not invite them in for tea means don't pay them any attention, just let them float by without engaging them. That does take time and practice. The other good saying was,"You don't have to believe everything you think." That one is very freeing for me. :stop:

Be kind to yourself, for me it was the way out of depression, it can make a difference to everything, when you stop beating yourself up.

:tup:

Thank you, memorygone. I totally agree with you. What you said is so powerful and so true. The inner world stops rotating around one's horrors and begins to notice the good things little by little.

Dear Fly Away Home,
Your post is so encouraging. Thanks. You have a natural sensetivity for whatever is good, pure, and true. What ever happened to you, it did not destroy your inner beauty. Maybe it's like wearing someone else's grimy coat, hard to see past it. Your post shows so clearly the striving for goodness and kindness. ........I love that movie too.:)

 

[Britt.f7]

Great observations. I'm horrible at meditation and admire anyone who can do it.

One thing though, just because you are horrible with yourself doesn't mean you are with others. Of course it could mean that and only you truly know. But try not to be hard on yourself. I tend to be horrible with myself in ways I would never be with others. Maybe it is the same with you.

Being a good parent is being aware. You are showing that you are a good parent.

 

[fly away home]

Thanks everyone for your input and ideas. For me the major realisation was that this aggressive voice in my head was actually heard as a separate voice. I heard it as opposed to accepting it as me. I realised that I am not the voice, the voice is a part of my mind and I don't have to believe it. I don't have to be it. I had never actually heard this voice before it was always just me. I had never singled it out as anything other that what I am.

I struggle to stay awake when I meditate which when I am trying to be mindful is not what I was aiming for, it is just so relaxing.

Shell, a friend of mine said I should always meditate with eyes open especially if I'm prone to dissociate. He said, find a pebble and place it about a meter in front of where you sit and just gently focus on it. The mind will bore of it quickly but it helps to keep your eyes open and therefore awake. One other idea he gave me was to hold a cup of water while meditating, just keeps you alert enough not to spill it. Now that is mindful practice isn't it! Haven't tried that one yet though.

Just don't expect the meditation to be any way or to produce a state in you.

Ms Spock, thanks for your thoughtful replies, this line was a revelation to me, not to expect anything is the truth of it but when we are told to meditate as a means of finding inner peace one expects it to yield results. Then when peace is not forthcoming, I must have failed. Letting go of expectations...my next challenge.

I accept that angry is my current inventory and decide what to do with it. Change NOW is typically not a realistic expectation in my own messy organic goo. The goo just squeezes out of the cracks between the lines.

Yes arfie, change NOW probably is too much to expect. Accepting anger is also something I am terribly uncomfortable with...more challenges!

I'm lucky in that I have a work college who is a practicing Buddhist, he spent quite some time in a retreat and his insight and support has meant that I haven't just given up because it isn't working. As arfie said, reading about it is one thing but actually doing it is something all together different. My original post was probably a little negative (my factory default) but I do actually feel quite positive about what I am becoming aware of.

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock, thanks for your thoughtful replies, this line was a revelation to me, not to expect anything is the truth of it but when we are told to meditate as a means of finding inner peace one expects it to yield results. Then when peace is not forthcoming, I must have failed. Letting go of expectations...my next challenge.

I can tell you it was a revelation to me when I heard that. It really made me drop all these expectations and I stopped putting so much pressure on myself.