Hi,
I actually joined the forum so could reply to this thread. I've been lurking for a while and felt I needed to say something to this one. I have a close friend who has combat PTSD. He has been through treatment for it and it seems to be well managed from my perspective. I've known him for about 6 months now. There is definitely this ebb and flow to our relationship...sometimes he's there and sometimes he isn't. And there is a pattern...we hang out together and then he pulls back for a week to 10 days and his communications are sporadic at best during that time. He does come back and we just pick up where we left off.
I look at this ebb and flow as a lesson that I need to learn for myself. I accept it and I do not take it personally the best I can. I am a recovering codependent and I have been in therapy of my own for three years for it. I used to attach and enmesh in people. I used people to fill unmet needs in myself. I have learned a ton about setting boundaries letting go and letting people be who they are.
Does my friend push my codependent buttons sometimes....yes and especially when we first started to get to know each other. When he first pulled back...buttons got pushed badly. But, that was a huge lesson for me to take a step back and give him space. I just texted and asked if everything was okay and he knew where he could find me when he was ready to talk again. A week later I heard from him. Right now, my friend is being quiet...and that's okay. Sometimes we must let go and let things happen the way they are going to happen. If we try to micro-manage outcomes we have no business micro-managing, we will only end up hurting ourselves.
I keep myself more than busy with work and the various hobbies I have when he's quiet. I'm not going to lie and say I don't think about reaching out when he's quiet. But I think about the reason why I'm trying to reach out....am I trying to force a response from him to make myself feel better about our friendship? And that's usually the case...so I put the phone down and go do something that makes me feel better on my own.
So, those are some things to think about when you start feeling really awful about his silence. Take a really honest look at why are you trying to reach out again and again when it's pretty obvious he needs some space. Find things that make you feel better about yourself...creative hobbies, time with friends, get outside and spend time with nature, go exercise, etc. I know it's hard and I find myself thinking about my friend often...but obsessing about why he's quiet doesn't do me an ounce of good.
Look at this as a life lesson you might need to learn about detaching in love from people you care about. Or to learn that we can't use a person to make us happy...that happiness needs to come from within ourselves. So....just some things to think about. :)
