postmodern
New Here
My ex-boyfriend is still calling me a liar.
A few years ago, when I was 18, I was raped by an acquaintance a few days into a new relationship with my then-boyfriend, an older man. The man held me in his apartment and was physically and sexually violent with me for days. I didn't feel OK talking about what happened with anyone. I didn't tell anyone, and I tried not to think about it. So I didn't end up telling my boyfriend what had happened until a few months later. By that time, I had fallen in love with him, and he had become my best friend. He was the only man, besides the man I lost my virginity to, whom I had been with consensually, and the act of making love to him meant a great deal to me.
When I finally confessed, I was devastated, and felt worthless, and apologized for having slept with another man.
My then-boyfriend broke up with me when I told him, saying that he couldn't trust me to be his girlfriend because I "get [myself] into f*cked up situations."
A couple of weeks later, we started trying to be friends again, and eventually started dating again. For the next two years, we'd break up very frequently, usually after I was triggered by something. This made me feel very insecure and like I wasn't worth dating, but I understood, because it's hard being in a relationship with someone with PTSD.
He would make a lot of jokes that would trigger me. Comparing me to Lindsey Lohan, or suggesting that the reason I wanted to get a daybed for our apartment was so I could cheat on him while he was sleeping, or joking about my sexual history (I once made him cookies, but he cancelled our dates for a week, so I gave them to my friends -- he said that he was sure "everybody in town" had gotten "my cookies" except for him). When I would react to these jokes, that is to say, overreact to them, he would end the relationship or threaten to end the relationship, saying that this was the "real" me, and that I was abusing him (he once went so far as to claim I "raped" him).
Because he meant so much to me as a friend and a lover, I agreed to stop contacting any of my friends that he had a problem with or thought were suspicious, mainly men, but because I'm bisexual, some women, as well. He then began complaining that he never gets to meet my friends -- though I didn't have many left at this point, and the ones I had disliked him and didn't want to hang out with us together. He found this very suspicious, and began saying that he couldn't trust me about the PTSD being real, because he didn't know anyone "from my life." This was a major blow to me, as I had been so willing to let him be my entire life.
When I attempted to tell him about what had happened to me, he would complain that I was going into too much detail, and telling him things he didn't want to know. As such, we never made much headway in talking things through, and I didn't know how to make him more comfortable and secure with me, and to assure him that I had no desire to cheat on him (I honestly had no sexual desire for anyone besides him, and don't think I could have mustered it if I wanted to).
When we finally broke up for good, I entered into a lesbian relationship with my current, wonderfully supportive partner, a fashion photographer, who helped me to reconnect with my body (and combat my growing issues with body dysmorphia) by photographing me. There were no graphic shots, all black and white art photos, but my ex-boyfriend described, and continues to say that I cheated on him by running off with my pornographer. It wasn't cheating, as this new relationship began about a month after we had broken up. He claimed these photographs were evidence that I had never been raped and did not have PTSD, that I was a liar who wanted to hide consensual infidelity from him. He has also said that it is proof that I was unfaithful throughout our relationship (I was not, and tried to reassure him as much, and make him feel loved), and I'm at a loss as to how I can stop hurting him.
He and I recently reconnected again, and have been talking about being friends again, but he says he's not sure he can do that, as he still doesn't trust me. I desperately want to be his friend, as he's the greatest friend I've ever had, but I don't know what to do. He says that I can't "make people feel the way want them to feel," and he frequently says that what I say in defense of myself and my fidelity are "manipulative" or attempts to "revise our narrative" or otherwise take advantage of him. I'm not sure how I can save this friendship and am so torn apart by it, I don't know what to do.
A few years ago, when I was 18, I was raped by an acquaintance a few days into a new relationship with my then-boyfriend, an older man. The man held me in his apartment and was physically and sexually violent with me for days. I didn't feel OK talking about what happened with anyone. I didn't tell anyone, and I tried not to think about it. So I didn't end up telling my boyfriend what had happened until a few months later. By that time, I had fallen in love with him, and he had become my best friend. He was the only man, besides the man I lost my virginity to, whom I had been with consensually, and the act of making love to him meant a great deal to me.
When I finally confessed, I was devastated, and felt worthless, and apologized for having slept with another man.
My then-boyfriend broke up with me when I told him, saying that he couldn't trust me to be his girlfriend because I "get [myself] into f*cked up situations."
A couple of weeks later, we started trying to be friends again, and eventually started dating again. For the next two years, we'd break up very frequently, usually after I was triggered by something. This made me feel very insecure and like I wasn't worth dating, but I understood, because it's hard being in a relationship with someone with PTSD.
He would make a lot of jokes that would trigger me. Comparing me to Lindsey Lohan, or suggesting that the reason I wanted to get a daybed for our apartment was so I could cheat on him while he was sleeping, or joking about my sexual history (I once made him cookies, but he cancelled our dates for a week, so I gave them to my friends -- he said that he was sure "everybody in town" had gotten "my cookies" except for him). When I would react to these jokes, that is to say, overreact to them, he would end the relationship or threaten to end the relationship, saying that this was the "real" me, and that I was abusing him (he once went so far as to claim I "raped" him).
Because he meant so much to me as a friend and a lover, I agreed to stop contacting any of my friends that he had a problem with or thought were suspicious, mainly men, but because I'm bisexual, some women, as well. He then began complaining that he never gets to meet my friends -- though I didn't have many left at this point, and the ones I had disliked him and didn't want to hang out with us together. He found this very suspicious, and began saying that he couldn't trust me about the PTSD being real, because he didn't know anyone "from my life." This was a major blow to me, as I had been so willing to let him be my entire life.
When I attempted to tell him about what had happened to me, he would complain that I was going into too much detail, and telling him things he didn't want to know. As such, we never made much headway in talking things through, and I didn't know how to make him more comfortable and secure with me, and to assure him that I had no desire to cheat on him (I honestly had no sexual desire for anyone besides him, and don't think I could have mustered it if I wanted to).
When we finally broke up for good, I entered into a lesbian relationship with my current, wonderfully supportive partner, a fashion photographer, who helped me to reconnect with my body (and combat my growing issues with body dysmorphia) by photographing me. There were no graphic shots, all black and white art photos, but my ex-boyfriend described, and continues to say that I cheated on him by running off with my pornographer. It wasn't cheating, as this new relationship began about a month after we had broken up. He claimed these photographs were evidence that I had never been raped and did not have PTSD, that I was a liar who wanted to hide consensual infidelity from him. He has also said that it is proof that I was unfaithful throughout our relationship (I was not, and tried to reassure him as much, and make him feel loved), and I'm at a loss as to how I can stop hurting him.
He and I recently reconnected again, and have been talking about being friends again, but he says he's not sure he can do that, as he still doesn't trust me. I desperately want to be his friend, as he's the greatest friend I've ever had, but I don't know what to do. He says that I can't "make people feel the way want them to feel," and he frequently says that what I say in defense of myself and my fidelity are "manipulative" or attempts to "revise our narrative" or otherwise take advantage of him. I'm not sure how I can save this friendship and am so torn apart by it, I don't know what to do.
