Mixed Feelings About Hypervigilance

[Shoshin]

Maybe I am too new at all this to think clearly and in a healthy manner, and maybe this will sound strange, but in spite of flashbacks and the difficulty with intimacy that my hypervigilance apparently causes, I can't help feeling grateful that I go on high alert. When the adrenaline rushes in, there is a part of me that is glad I am ready to fight, just in case.

I can't help but think that, especially on the street, it has saved me a number of times from being a victim again. Or am I confusing hypervigilance with heightened awareness?

I admit that I am not even sure what is normal, having just been diagnosed with a condition that I considered just "the way things are" for most of my life. My doctor says the hypervigilance is real, too much, and I need to overcome it to be healthy, but I am reluctant to let go...

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with hypervigilance?:dontknow:

 

[Marlene]

I do. It's my early warning system and alert that something/someone's not quite right. But at the same time it causes my paranoia and anxiety to be raised. Even before I knew what it was I relied on it to help keep me safe. Now that I'm out of that survivor mode, I do find it difficult to let some old habits go.

I doubt that I'll ever be free of it...it seems to be part of the PTSD package deal...but making it less important in my life has helped me quite a bit.

Lisa

 

[Lisa]

There are certainly times where I feel my hypervigilance is justified. It sounds like this is where you are coming from?

Vigilance is not a bad thing when appropriate. Hypervigilance, as the word suggests, is different. Being over-vigilant is not a good thing if it interferes with your life.

Perhaps there are times when you are vigilant as opposed to hypervigilant? Or perhaps t this is something you have known for so long as a coping mechanism that you still value it as just that... a coping mechanism. The question is... is this coping mechanism needed anymore? Or to the degree that you are using it? Is it out of context? Is it realistic? Maybe sometimes yes, sometimes no, or always yes or always no... I don't know the answer to that. But those questions are what you need in order to analyse this to a point where you clearly understand it. This is part of recovery too. Learning to re-learn the basics as it were, particularly if you've 'always known it to be like this'. I'm certainly having to do this is many respects... It doesn't mean you are wrong... you are probably so vigilant for good reasons from your experiences. The question is about realistic probability of whatever it is you fear. It's something that needs thinking about on your part... and then checking out with someone else to see if you're going in the right direction.

Another point... hypervigilance is typically in our minds justified. We are hypervigilant because we emotionally feel the need to be. That's the very nature of it in essence. As we learn about PTSD, many of us realise that hypervigilance is usually out of perspective, or irrational entirely even. But the FEELING that we really do need to be hypervigilant, because we 'are in danger' is one we battle with still. So to answer you're question, I think anyone who hasn't combatted hypervigilance has the love/hate relationship as it were.

I think more than anything you need to find out if this need to be hypervigilant (in order to keep you safe) is really a true realistic need, or one of irrational or out of perspective fear based on your trauma. If it is realistic, then it would be vigilance... if not... then hypervigilance. The answer lies in your self-analysis, and analysis from another (ie. a therapist) to help to guide you if you go off track.

But it's good that you are questioning this... shows willingness to think outside of your black box, and to question your own reality.

 

[Shoshin]

Thanks

Thanks, Lisa. You have given me a lot to think about, and you have echoed some things I've heard from my therapist, with whom I've only met three times so far...I have not even begun to explore past traumas, so I can see that it is going to take time before I can realistically assess the difference between appropriate vigilance and hypervigilant behavior triggered by trauma and old coping skills. I appreciate your thoughtful response. --Shoshin

 

[kers]

I understand what you mean, Shoshin. I hate the hypervigilance, but at the same time, I want to be ready--just in case. As Lisa has said, we feel threatened and we feel we need to be prepared for danger, but those feelings are mostly related to danger that has long since passed. The hard part is figuring out what is and is not safe today, in the present, and finding ways to bring the hypervigilance down when it's not needed. It's a challenge, to say the least.