Mixed signals

[Sandstone]

If he can't get off his bum to be a useful therapist, perhaps he could put some energy into using his contacts and experience to come up with a short list of local Ts who might be good with you?

 

[scout86]

perhaps he could put some energy into using his contacts and experience

I was kind of thinking the same thing. It can be a remarkably small world. He might know people, or know people who know people, which could at least save you from having to wade through a daunting list of people who, mostly, probably aren't very good.

Confession......I went out to Psychology Today & looked to see what's available in your approximate area. Yikes! First, because there are a ton of therapists. Second because most of them looked like high school students and most of the ones who looked like adults looked scary. (I am totally serious.) In your situation? I'd talk it over with my current T and get his help. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not as fixed as I could get and I don't especially want to end up where I was when I contacted him to begin with. And because there's at least a chance he could help.

As far as going over your story again goes....... You don't actually HAVE to tell anyone anything. (I'm an expert. My T is now apparently thrilled because I'm apparently willing to talk about things indirectly related to the things he knows I don't want to talk about. And it only took four years!)

 

[desiderata310]

I DID ask a long time ago and he admitted that he didn't know anyone in the area.
Yes, There are tons in the area. The question is do any of them know what the hell they are doing and then do any of them have any openings before say ... I jump off a cliff out of anxiety/frustration/exhaustion/etc.

I managed to MAKE myself call the EAP people anyway. Seems I was wrong EAP DOES kick in when you start and is separate from insurance. ok. Fine. I asked if they could get me in today since tomorrow the world explodes with a zillion little children and the the day after that is about 100 dancers in chinese dress for a month, no peace in my building and quite frankly I kind of feel like I might fly off the handle today. I doubt EAP will make any difference at all but I guess it's better than mud in my eye or the self-medicating that I have BEEN doing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hi @desiderata310 i have a different perspective than the other posters. I’ve been in your place and I’ll just share that with you as it has now been 15 years that I moved from New Hampshire to Maine. When I moved I stayed on a two week meeting face to face with my t for 2 hours. Moving changed everything in my life. My profession changed, I opened my own clinic and had to learn to be a business woman, owner, tech, everything in a state I had no contacts in. I was overwhelmed. The house I bought needed to be restored which sounded like fun and I found a carpenter right away. I am disabled and my case for Voc/Rehab got transferred to Maine Voc/Rehab. I lucked out getting a counselor that we worked really well together. I was still driving 2 hours back to NH for therapy, I still had PTSD and depression and self harm history. Things changed though when the carpenter and I started a romantic relationship. It was all fun at first rebuilding this house as time went on he started being abusive. I wasn’t dealing with it didn’t want to bother my old t with it. I ended up in the ER twice for suicide attempts then put in an intensive out patient program. My old t was fading away I needed help in the here and now. We talked on the phone but that’s no substitute for face to face. I was now terrified of this man.

I broke down in my Voc/Rehab counselors office. I could not go on I was goin to kill myself. There was no other options to get away from him. She gave me the number of a therapist she knew because one of her clients with a history similar to mine really did well with her. So we got hooked up and we worked on keeping me alive and building a business. I still went to see t number 1 but less and less and then we said we can be friends now. I had good support. No trauma work just stabilization and support in getting rid of the asshole.

That t took an administrative position and had to give up her practice. She said she’d give me phone calls until I find a new therapist. She had been telling me to try EMDR and I got a business card handed to me with this guys name and number. Finally after a year I called him. He’s a trauma specialist, the best person for me. It was kismet that he had room for me. I’ve been with him for 6 years. I’m better I’m getting the appropriate treatment and he is genuine and kind. I still call therapist number 1. Thought I could never live without him, but in hindsight I am now with a level headed, brilliant therapist who allows me to call or email whenever I needed. I have learned so many skills from him, he encourages body work like yoga and reiki.

For me I had to lose two t’s to get to the right one. I know how stressful making a long move, not as long as yours though!! In time I have made some friends, my business is successful. I’m the boss so I bring my dog to work with me. I live 2 blocks from the ocean. I still need a therapist because I have complex PTSD I need somebody sane to share the shame and guilt and dissociation with.

Never say never. Getting a traumas specialist was the best idea I’ve ever had. Finding one? Try the rape and assault agency in your area and ask for the names of a couple of therapists. When it’s time, you will have somewhere to start. I needed so much support when I moved and the fiasco with the carpenter. Sometimes I still call my local agency’s hotline if I’m feeling suicidal. They get it. They’ve been in my shoes. They know slot about good therapists vs bad ones. Then you and your west coast therapist can stay in touch during the transition.

 

[Still Standing]

If he can't get off his bum to be a useful therapist, perhaps he could put some energy into using hi...

Since this situation has you in such a tizzy, and upset is constantly hanging onto your hem, I would think it would be better to have a fresh start with a new therapist. Your current one sounds like he needs a lesser load of responsibilities while the Lyme's Disease runs it course. And having this disease can be very stressing, which will affect his ability to give any of his clients his full attention. It is to be commended that he is trying to carry on during this episode. But, he is not currently able to put the energy into his work, as needed. Perhaps, you guys can agree to touch bases for therapy-light sessions, until you are established with someone else.

And as for the choice of therapists, regarding their ages, if you are on the other side of the age spectrum, it is hard to see these youngsters as capable in their field of psychology. When I had to find one for myself, I was put off by all the young faces and I was instantly distrustful of their experience. Then I was hit with the thought, "What do I want, a 90yr. old?" Because in order to find someone older and more polished in their career, I would have to find a centurion, if they were going to be much older than myself. So, I bit the bullet and picked someone and decided I would trust them. My psych doc ended up being just who I needed. But, you could call and inquire as to the extent of the therapist's expertise, looking for one versed in trauma and PTSD. This is what I will do, if in the future, I need to find a new psychologist. I hope you are able to find what you need and return to healing.

 

[Stephernovas]

The second he told you he needs to work on not ghosting you, telling you he struggles with depression and etc...yeah that's the second where you need to leave and find someone else. That's no longer therapy. This is let's play house, and pretend this is working until one of us decides they don't want to play pretend anymore. It's unfortunate, but with this therapist, suddenly his needs became more important than yours. Not acceptable, and in my opinion, if he's not doing so well, he should not be practicing right now.

 

[desiderata310]

I DID wind up going to see someone today. They literally had someone who had an opening that I had just enough time to walk to get there. I can't say that it was really of any assistance. It was just a major dump of information between sobs. She managed to get in an observation that I seemed angry, to which I replied ' well, THAT was an astute observation.' And kept pointing out that I'd 'lived through worse' which made me want to throw something at her. That's not useful right now. Her idea of triage was to tell me to do all the things I had already done. I finally got irate and said 'look, it's not like I've been sitting around on my ass not doing anything. I've BEEN TRYING. She insisted that I hadn't done enough.
:mad:
I'm not sure that I would be able to deal with this one but at least I was able to tell the whole story of the f*cked up move to someone. She made an appointment for next week. We will see if I go or not.
I've no idea what to do about my therapist, J. I know he's likely no good to me at all- at least right now.

 

[blackemerald1]

Ok well at the very least you got to be angry, dump a horrible situation on someone who can cope with it...even if you didn't get answer's & you did feel frustrated - you did let some of the pressure out in a safe way. Try & use that to get some rest till you work through how you feel about thing's.
Take care (hugs)

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, this may not be what you want to hear, but I need to say it. You have had super huge bouts of suicidal behaviour. You are now under incredibly high pressure, disorienting stuff, the type of situation where overwhelming stress comes every second of the day. So what I am going to say is that you need (like must have) a T that you can rely on that is in your area. My concern is for obvious reasons. You need someone who is qualified to have your back and help you to keep yourself safe from, well.... youself.

I don't think this is something to f*ck around with Desi. I suggest that you do whatever is humanly possible to get some damned good backup immediately. Get a list of questions going and start interviewing psychologists in the area that will fit the bill.

 

[Suzetig]

It was just a major dump of information between sobs

Honestly, when I’m in crisis like that all I can do is dump information- it’s not therapy but it is therapeutic if that makes sense. And my lovely, attuned T will sometimes make what feels like crass observations because she’s in it with me and is trying to give me a hand to hold.

You knew the EAP was going to be somewhere you could just dump your stuff in the presence of someone who would listen. Maybe you’ll go back and maybe not but don’t underestimate the power of someone sitting with you while you sob.

 

[Stephernovas]

Oh, you saw an EAP counsellor? I felt the exact same way you did when I spoke with mine. Great to dump things on, but awful advice, because they said things that I already knew - I had the same credentials as she did. HOWEVER, for now, that's helpful. It's someone to listen to you. Deep down, we all know what we need to be doing. But, sometimes we need to stop, unload our crap and think clearer. So maybe this counsellor isn't long term, but they are good enough for now. They can help you manage until you can get yourself a long-term support (aka. new therapist). All I have to say to you is CONGRATUf*ckINGLATIONS for taking the step to call EAP and begin that process. You got this. You know what you need. Sadly, your old therapist has checked out (the reasons don't matter right now). Use those skills you have and connect with someone new. You are worth it, and hell, there are millions of other therapists out there. Someone will connect with you and push you into walking with you towards the healthy path you're seeking. I'm proud of you for taking that first step alone.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don’t know why, but when you said that she told you that you aren’t doing enough, do more, it cracked me up. I view you, @desiderata310 as extremely strong, like steel. I imagined this petite little cocker spaniel counselor standing up to you to do more. You are going to get through this. I have confidence that everything happens for a reason including your old t having a medical flare up. It is because your new therapist is waiting and ready to join your fight.