Moment To Moment Survival

[passerine]

Thanks for asking, @JEKBreatheandBelieve, and sorry to hear that you're still struggling too. Monday was really hard. I was and still am finding it very hard to hold it together. I told my therapist about the feelings of hopelessness and shame and my thoughts about suicide, and I continued having a difficult time grounding. Today, I'm home with a bad cold (just what I need on top of everything else) and am finding it impossible to fight the intrusive thoughts and urges to engage in self destructive behaviors. I don't feel safe at all and am thinking about calling my therapist.

Every moment is a struggle to get through and I just keep thinking I can't take it anymore.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi, I have been following this thread, and I'm sorry you are struggling so much! I just got back from my therapy session. Not sure if I would call it hard, but it definitely wasn't what I wanted. If you are feeling unsafe, I do encourage you to call your therapist, especially since he knows how you've been feeling. I hope she is able to be there and support you through this incredibly difficult time! Let us know how it goes. Don't be ashamed if you have to call; I'm sure she will understand!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@passerine - I can relate to so much of what you have written. I have had a cold these last few days, too. Mine is in the end stage now, but you're right- not what you need on top of everything else. I failed to ward off the self-harm stuff. I discovered that I have several cuts that must have been from last night (a dissociative part did the cutting so I am not sure of the details). It is hard. I have been e-mailing my therapist today. Please do reach out to your therapist.

 

[passerine]

I really appreciate your replies, @HollyBeans27 and @JEKBreatheandBelieve. Thank you.

I wish that my therapist accepted e-mails, but he will only take phone calls and I don't know what to say. I feel as though I cannot speak and have so much shame right now it's unbearable. I want my therapist to be there for me and yet at the same time I want to push him away.

I also failed to ward off the self-harm stuff. I think that being home sick in bed all day has made the urges stronger and dissociation worse.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I want my therapist to be there for me and yet at the same time I want to push him away.

I can relate to that, too. I hate to use the phone and it's actually a fear of mine. Whenever I have really needed to call my therapist, I have my husband dial and then I attempt to talk to my therapist. Sometimes it is helpful if I can just tell her I am struggling and then she will reassure me and do most of the talking, but it helps.

 

[passerine]

It can be really hard to pick up the phone. I still haven't called my therapist and it's almost 7pm. I can feel myself slipping further into a dark place and putting walls up around me. I feel like I have no voice.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yep. Picking up the phone is hard. I had a nice break from my feelings after dinner and I started organizing some clutter in our house. Now that my kids are successfully in bed, I can feel those feelings returning. My husband is not home so there is no calling my therapist but I will e-mail her again if I need to. If you really feel like you might not be able to get through the night safely, I strongly urge you to call your therapist.

 

[passerine]

I just left a message for him. I have some really scary intrusive thoughts related to the trauma that I need to talk about with someone, but I'm terrified to voice them, even to my therapist.

I hope we are both able to stay safe and take care of ourselves this evening. I know for me, nighttime is the hardest. I tend to be pretty vulnerable to dissociation around this time, so I'm just focusing on grounding at the moment.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yep, nighttime is the hardest for me, too. Especially nights when my husband is gone. Luckily he will be back, just late. He may not be able to help my emotions, but his presence does help some. I am going to try going to sleep soon I think. Best wishes for a safe night and I am proud of you for calling and leaving a message for your therapist.

 

[passerine]

Thanks again, @JEKBreatheandBelieve. My therapist couldn't call me back last night, but I saw him again this morning. We talked a lot about shame, and he asked me how it would feel if we agreed to take suicide off the table for now and agree that it isn't an option as long as we are working together. It was kind of a tough session. I talked about how parts of me had died and were dead already. I cried a lot and started to dissociate as we were nearing the end of the session. It made me really sad when he said that it was time to wrap up, because I didn't feel safe or ready to leave yet.

I really don't feel like I'm living right now - just surviving, moment to moment. And at the same time I am grieving the loss of so much of me that has already died.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I really don't feel like I'm living right now - just surviving, moment to moment.

I know just what you mean. And that doesn't help me because I keep realizing that life is such a precious gift that I "should be making the most of it" and then I feel even worse for feeling bad and struggling.

I am glad that you talked about so much with your therapist. It sounds like it was a start towards being helpful. I am sorry that you had to wrap up when you weren't feeling safe. I am almost always my therapist's last session so we go over sometimes if I need to be more grounded. However, on some days it doesn't matter how much longer we go over, I will never feel ready to leave.

I called my therapist last night. The first time I hung up after one ring because using the phone is such an anxiety trigger for me. I did call back and eventually she called me back. At first I just felt worse, but eventually she talked me into a calm state and got me to agree to go to bed. I have survived today better than I thought I would and I think that's why.

 

[passerine]

I'm glad to hear that your called your therapist, too, and that she was helpful. Sometimes all I need is a quick check-in with my therapist and sometimes I just need to know that he's still a solid support for me outside of our limited time in the office. We have gone over in sessions before, but generally he sticks to the 50 minute time frame, and I feel abandoned and scared when I'm ungrounded and am told that our time is up.

I hear you on feeling like you "should be making the most of it". At the moment, though, I'm not able to view my life as a precious gift. I feel as though it was a mistake or like I said parts of me have already died, so what is the point? It's hard.

I'm feeling a lot of grief for the parts of me that have already died, and I'm having trouble believing that it's worth it to keep fighting for the parts that survived. I keep making agreements with my therapist to make it to our next appointment, but I'm doing it more for him (and my dog and cat, of course), than I am for myself.