Mortified for telling T a part's opinion of him

[beaneeboo]

Uuhgghhh...I know it's a part of the therapy...T handled it really well and also encouraged me to talk about it.... but still....

There was a definite barrier in therapy today from one of my parts. They were trying to stop T from asking more questions about younger parts and things we'd communicated to T last session about where these younger parts are/ how they are feeling. Basically I had to tell T this part thinks T is motivated to know more about the trauma for sick reasons- for sexual gain, to gain power over the younger ones etc.

I, as adult me, am mortified. T is really a lovely person and I know he's not like that. But i knew i had tu not hide what this other part was thinking and saying. They are f*cked off with T and they don't give a shit about what they say about him. But i do.

Just venting really.

 

[Movingforward10]

Well done for sharing that @beaneeboo . As difficult as it is, it's good to get that part's views out in the open and see what they need from T to be able to trust him.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

this part thinks T is motivated to know more about the trauma for sick reasons- for sexual gain, to gain power over the younger ones etc.

This is me…! This is what I’ve been struggling with this year. I feel practically insane for it, but I’ve felt so scared of her that I make myself sick with it.

Well done for telling T about it, I honestly think it feels more mortifying and awful than it actually is, to have them know about that trauma-informed perception. Which is not to say it’s any easier to go through, but I don’t think it’s uncommon, or all that shocking; a traumatised person becoming vulnerable with someone, is inherently unsafe-feeling… which puts T in the position of whoever made the biggest impression, on what vulnerability means… which will be the abuser.

Another part -pretty flippantly- read an absolute train-wreck of a diary entry, to T, about what I thought she wanted to do to me. I seem to be in the minority of parts who are afraid of her sexually (in the context of trauma work). Horrifying stuff, but I’ve seen her since then, and it has felt easier to express to her that I am afraid, and struggling a lot to allow that proximity to happen.


I’m unsure where I’m trying to go with this, since I’m excited and shocked to see such a similar experience to mine… but what I do want to say, is that communication really is important, and does go a long way, even when it feels horrible, like this. You have handled the situation very well, and I hope it can feel less shameful/guilty to have and express these mixed-opinions.

I find things being more in the open can take away some of the mysticism of it… Can be fallout, at first, but I think it helps.


I also understand the feeling of other parts feeling hostile towards T, sometimes that’s me, but one of the younger parts hates T, and isn’t very subtle about it. Another of mine thinks she’s a zoophile… avoids her like the plague. It’s difficult, these things feel so inappropriate… but it is all part of it, and it does get more manageable as things are given room, voicing can give it the space to begin being proven wrong. And lets you and T get a better idea of what’s going on/your needs.

 

[Rose White]

You were so brave! I hope the outcome is positive—sometimes saying the forbidden and not being punished for it has a healing effect.

 

[sidptitala]

This is me…! This is what I’ve been struggling with this year. I feel practically insane for it, but I’ve felt so scared of her that I make myself sick with it.

Same here! I have really struggled to get past this with men - I think I've concluded that I definitely could not have a male therapist at this point in time.

 

[beaneeboo]

Well done for sharing that @beaneeboo . As difficult as it is, it's good to get that part's views out in the open and see what they need from T to be able to trust him.

That's what T said too i think... thanks @Movingforward10 ...I hope you're doing OK

 

[beaneeboo]

I’m unsure where I’m trying to go with this, since I’m excited and shocked to see such a similar experience to mine… but what I do want to say, is that communication really is important, and does go a long way, even when it feels horrible, like this. You have handled the situation very well, and I hope it can feel less shameful/guilty to have and express these mixed-opinions.

I applied you for reading out your diary entry to your t.. that takes guts... thank you for your supportive words

I find things being more in the open can take away some of the mysticism of it… Can be fallout, at first, but I think it helps.

Yes I think and hope you've hit the nail on the head

but it is all part of it, and it does get more manageable as things are given room, voicing can give it the space to begin being proven wrong. And lets you and T get a better idea of what’s going on/your needs.

It's the one of the first times I've been able to say anything and I'm glad I did..I think it was a big step forward and t thought it was big

I'm just mortified he had to spell out for me he's not trying tu get any pleasure from my suffering in a sadistic or sexual way.... it helps to hear it on one level... and yet on another it just makes me feel awful for bringing it up at all... like I'm the sick one

 

[beaneeboo]

You were so brave! I hope the outcome is positive—sometimes saying the forbidden and not being punished for it has a healing effect.

Although it's mortified me i think there are flashes of feeling relief it's been said and he hasn't reacted badly

 

[beaneeboo]

Same here! I have really struggled to get past this with men - I think I've concluded that I definitely could not have a male therapist at this point in time.

My T is male and although it's hard in many respects I think there are certain things that wouldn't be triggered in the actual therapeutic relationship if t were a woman... I wouldn't feel threatened sexually speaking so would have less chance to work through that..

It really sucks therapy work sometimes!!