Mother in law anxiety

[anthony]

I honestly would just like to avoid her as much as I can

I would do the same to a person like that, regardless who they are. I don't really get the whole, tit for tat thing. You're making noise, so I will now make more noise. That doesn't solve problems, it just creates more.

 

[Vennie]

I need some advice, 2013 my father in law passed away so that left my mother in law needing someone to live with her and help care for her, she has five sons, I’m married to the baby boy, after her husbands passing she stayed 6 months with the next to the oldest son and his family until she started giving them trouble, we bring her over our place sometimes to give the other son and his family a break, after awhile I became very sick and tired of my husband and kids bringing her over our house because when I come home from work I just wanted to be with my own family because she would be complaining about my brother in law and his family and I didn’t appreciate that at all because I know the real manipulating person she truly is despite her needing someone to live with her, I’ve been there and done that with her, anyway during that time we were suffering financially, I asked my husband several times before and after my father in law passed away to move into a smaller and more affordable apartment or house, but no he didn’t want to do that, so every time he brought his mother around to visit she would ask us if we think she could live down the house by herself, and we would tell her know, because she has bad eye sight and she would bug everyone 20 times a day living in the boondocks, anyway after a while she manipulated my husband into moving down there with her, I was so upset with him because he didn’t listen to me, so early 2014 we moved down to her house with her because she complained so much about living with her other son and his family. So her we are living with her and all she does is go to church and look so innocent in front of people and now we are the ones she talks about and complains about to others, I realize she is old and senile but I still see her as that negative mother in law she has always been to me, since we have been living with her I have developed really bad anxiety, in the beginning it took me awhile to realize I needed to see someone because I felt alone, I believe in God, but right now my faith is being tested, my mother passed 24 years ago, she helped me a lot in the beginning of my marriage, my mother, my brother and I were very close, that made my husband jealous even though he came first in my life. Anyway this anxiety I feel is overwhelming, I have really bad thoughts and my husband knows all of this but he doesn’t try to make any changes or plans to move or make things comfortable for me, her oldest son says he couldn’t handle her for a whole week, he also believes she should be living in a facility because she is a lot to handle and we have two grown kids who are out of the house, one in college and th other in her own place, we have put our lives on hold for her. I have a lot of resentment for allowing my husband to do this to our family, he has been very manipulative to me and I just want the two of them to understand what I’m going through, my husband thinks I won’t leave, I would probably struggle a little bit on my own, but I know I would feel so much better, it’s not worth it anymore because he has never heard my voice

 

[Friday]

Heya @Beemo3780 ... Meant to reply back when you first posted this:

One good thing to come out of the weekend from hell?

Thank you MIL, for confirming that our decision to never allow you to move in with us was exactly the right one to make!

Bullet dodged!

 

[Beemo3780]

Funny thing is she's gotten worse since I posted this.

My husband and I found out we are pregnant, after being told by a fertility specialist it wasn't going to happen for us. We were quite surprised after I got like every brand of pregnancy test which came back positive. We wanted to wait the 10 weeks to tell people though, because we weren't sure if it was going to be viable, pretty normal stuff. But my husband on Facebook broke the news to my MIL, unintentionally. I'm not on FB, but I guess if you post comments on someone else's posts, everyone on your friend's list can see your comment? That's pretty much what happened. He ended up commenting on a local politician's post saying that he had a family with one on the way and was concerned about healthcare. Completely innocent, and not exactly airing our big news to the world. My MIL flipped out. She immediately called my husband screaming at him. Not only did she flip out, she called my husband's father crying hysterically (whom she's been divorced from for like 30 years).

Then, after a couple days of my husband not talking to her, she mailed us a card with a $100 check in it. The card said, "Congrats, first time parents!" I have a teenage daughter that my husband is a step dad to, but has helped raise for like 7 years and calls his daughter... My FIL calls my daughter his granddaughter. My MIL apparently is now acting like she doesn't exist. My daughter saw this card, and just said, "That's weird". I told my husband to return the check, because sure enough, MIL still wants to move in, even more so now. I'm converting the guest bedroom to the nursery, and she wants me to move my daughter out of her room, which she painted the way she wanted to, and move her to our storage room upstairs so she can move into my daughter's room.

And then, for the sake of venting because oh man she drives me nuts, she apparently knows everything about my pregnancy. I'm a high risk pregnancy, and I'm 37. The first 6 weeks were spent throwing up with morning sickness so bad I had to get an IV for fluids and get prescribed medicine to be able to keep food down. I was miserable. My MIL kept telling my husband that she didn't understand why I wasn't happy about the pregnancy, which wasn't even a thing I was just really sick. She thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. I was severely dehydrated and my husband took me to the doctor. I have a heart condition too, and I'm supposed to take it easy, and my MIL is throwing a fit because we won't let her come visit. What could she possibly want to do here while I'm this sick? She doesn't help clean up, and doesn't know how to cook (will throw a fit until I make her food or we go to some chain restaurant). I was always taught if you are a house guest, you offer to help out, especially with meals, and clean up after yourself.

And now, the most recent thing is she's been angry with me and only talking to my husband about it. She's mad that I'm sick, told my husband that I better not lose the baby, as if I have that control and even being pregnant apparently is some sort of odd miracle anyway. I also crochet, and she asked my husband to have me make her a bunch of dish scrubbers so she could pass out to her coworkers as gifts. I don't have that kinda time. I'm in college, I work full time, and I run my own business, plus family, pets, etc etc. He told her I couldn't without even asking me, and she got mad about that.

I can't win! She's definitely not moving in, and she's not going to treat my daughter like crap either. This will be my daughter's sibling anyway, and she has more rights than my MIL does. We're pretty pissed that we have to deal with this crap from her, and also my father acting like a 14 year old boy. It's great.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow, she just took over your home when she was there. She sounds like she has no boundaries and does not know what they are or she just refuses to respect the lines drawn.

I think you did the right thing saying she could not live with you. Your husband needs to be the one dealing with her and drawing the lines and taking the pressure off of you. Good luck.

 

[Beemo3780]

I don’t want anything to do with her at this point. Before my husband and I had even got married, she was already telling my husband she wanted him to buy her a house when he graduated law school. He took out loans to go to law school, she didn’t help with that. He graduated with tons of debt. I bought our house, it’s somethig that I have a lot of pride about because we have a really big beautiful house, but she seems to think that she’s entitled to live there because her son “owes her a house”.

Now with the baby on the way, she’s already making her own decisions and telling my husband about it, who has already been clear with her that it’s really not up to her. I’ve already told him that if she shows up at our door with suitcases or moving boxes, I’m not letting her in.

She’s been actually treating the whole situation like I don’t really need to be in the picture. I’ll have the baby and just disappear so she can move in and play “mom”. She doesn’t even like kids, she was a teacher and has told me she hated children so she quit after the first year. It’s just so weird.

I’m not gonna let her bulldoze me for sure, when it comes to my kids, I can be a mean mama bear. You don’t mess with my kids. My husband might just get put in a weird situation but that’s his problem. I don’t owe that woman anything.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I don’t owe that woman anything.

No you do not. How are you holding up stress wise? This would have me climbing the walls. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and to your family. She sounds like she has been used to calling the shots for a long time. I wish you good luck.

 

[Beemo3780]

I've honestly been too sick to address the stress yet. I'm having a really rough go of this pregnancy, so it's not been fun. I already had to go no contact with my own father because he's just a racist asshole, but my husband is dealing with his mother, so I've been kept away from that for the most part. I don't want her visiting anytime soon, I wouldn't be able to deal with that while not feeling well.

She is a grown 60 year old woman that I honestly have no clue how she survives because she comes over and doesn't know how to take care of herself. We have people stay with us all the time, and she literally is the worst house guest. I'll cook her food, any kind of food, and because I'm Italian, she'll tell me that she doesn't like Italian so I better not cook any of that. I made asparagus with olive oil and sea salt and she complained it was "too Italian". She doesn't know how to cook, says she only eats food from a can or a box, that's been her little joke she thinks is hilarious, but she complains about all the food I make her. We always end up having to go to an Applebee's or someplace else gross because she throws a fit until she gets her way.

My husband pisses me off when she visits too because he'll just appease her. Or he'll decide to work later than normal or volunteer to go in on weekend hours. That's something I've already had to talk to him about.

 

[bento]

Congrats Beemo! That is great news!

She’s been actually treating the whole situation like I don’t really need to be in the picture. I’ll have the baby and just disappear so she can move in and play “mom”. She doesn’t even like kids, she was a teacher and has told me she hated children so she quit after the first year. It’s just so weird.

Your instinct is right on the money. Yep, my MIL was same way and behaved similarly.I won't
go into detail about how my situation played out, but it just continued escalating. The stress
was unreal. If you search on the now archived site "Narcissists Suck" and search narcissistic
grandparents you can see how this type of thing can pan out.

She is behaving in a very toxic manner towards you, and that can and will affect your pregnancy.
Your husband sounds enmeshed with her. He needs to man up in this situation and protect you
and quit letting you take the fall. She needs to know that the boundaries you are enforcing as
a family are coming from him, not just you. I would consider talking to your doctor about how
stressful her visits are, and whether it would be better for you and your baby to have her visits
be at a Vrbo or hotel (near Applebee's of course:).

If her intent is to create such tension and damage in your relationship, so that she
can push you out of the way and totally control her son, that won't stop with him, it will
include her grandchild. Some narcissistic MIL keep the chaos going while the children
are young and then swing over to parental alienation when the child is older. If they can
manage to break up the marriage (all the while playing victim) they can then have the
grandchild live with them (all the while playing the victim) and enjoy spoiling your child
and getting them to absolutely hate you (all the while playing the victim).

My MIL idea of child care was TV, computer games, and talking trash about me (and others)
to my children while the family sat around getting drunk. Illness, accidents, medical attention, emotional support, cooking, cleaning, school work. Huh? What's that?
Narcissists see children as super awesome accessories. Great to pull out for photo ops and
stories to tell whatever audience they've conjured. They leave the dirty work to the hired help, or people naive enough to buy their victim stories who will do all the work for free. Please educate
yourself about this kind of thing, as there are MIL who will stop at nothing to take complete
control over their children AND grandchildren.

Good Luck!!! And again congrats!

 

[Beemo3780]

Yea, I've been in a way worse MIL situation with my daughter. My ex husband was abusive and violent, and we were only married for like 4 years officially before I got my divorce, took almost 2 years to get the divorce, so like only physically 2 years). His mother was just as bad as he was, except not only did she try to cover up the things he did, she also worked for the local Child & Family Services dept. Not CPS, it was basically a group of counselors that did preventive work with families of DV before CPS would get involve, which I still find insane. She ended up being fired once her boss learned that her son attempted to kill his wife (me), and the best part was that this woman decided to file for custody of my daughter because her son wasn't even getting supervised visits. Oh, it was so messed up. This woman would tell my young daughter that she could call her mom and she didn't need to listen to me. I had to get a restraining order because she just started showing up at my house while I was at work and my nanny would be watching my daughter. She was so manipulative and horrid, it really makes me sick to even think about her.

Lucky for me, I got away from the both of them, moved several states away with full legal and physical custody of my daughter and a pretty iron clad stay away order, and it took my ex 4 years to get any kind of visitation but it's still very limited and she's almost college bound now. Still under 18 though.

So when it comes to this MIL, I'm not taking her shit, as simple as that. I will not allow anyone to come between me and my kids, and I've already proven myself to be a fierce mom when it comes to protecting them. While I'm pregnant, I'm just not talking to my MIL, my husband can deal with her. She's not like the other one, she's just different where she needs to be the center of attention and everything needs to be her way and done for her. She throws tantrums, and I remember at our wedding dinner, she was complaining about the food so much that I guess she ended up taking her entire plate and dumping it straight into the wait staff's garbage, and then said loudly, "I'll just have to stop at McDonald's". We were at a pretty upscale restaurant....

She's college educated, she has a couple degrees, and I just don't get her behavior. If you pair that together with her 2 terrible dogs, it's a nightmare. She's not allowed to bring them into our house again because she expects us to crate our two large, well behaved dogs, so her two small yappy dogs don't attack our dogs. One of her dogs had peed on my brand new couch, and she proceeded to try to hide it from me, but was also trying to remove the peed on fabric off the couch.... I walked in the room to my husband yelling at her to stop and we would just clean it with special cleaner. Or when she decided to just open the back door and let our at the time new puppy outside, unleashed. When I asked her if she had seen him, she said "Oh I let him out". We live in a forest, we have no fence, and he hadn't been chipped yet, I nearly fell down the stairs running outside to get him, which luckily he was too scared to leave the deck by himself. I was so angry, and she didn't even apologize. I had to tell her not to do anything with our dogs ever again.

Any, I'm just getting myself worked up, so I'm going to just end with, yes, MILs are the worst.