Childhood Mother Told Me She Ignored Me As An Infant

[theshadowoftheliving]

Saw my mother earlier today. She told me the same story she always loves to tell, about me as an infant and how she handled me crying at night.

Essentially, she brags over and over about how she ignored me when I cried at night, how she put me to bed at the opposite end of the house from where she slept so that she couldn't hear me fuss, and how, at two weeks old, she didn't get up with me at night anymore. She also claims that this was a really good choice and she did "such a wonderful job" teaching me to "self-soothe at night" by just "letting me cry myself back to sleep alone."

I never, as a small child having nightmares every night, even considered asking for comfort or love or reassurance. It wasn't okay - it never was. So I always just suffered alone in terror and she now she just loves to tell the tale of how she did such a good thing by ignoring me cry. I'm so angry about this I want to hyperventilate. I sleep so poorly. I always have. And I'm so tired of her acting like she is so smart for doing this to me.

Two weeks is too young to be ignored at night, right? I'm not totally off-base to be upset about this, right?

 

[Muted]

Yes, because you being a newborn still needed to be fed and changed in the middle of the night. The first 3-5 years of a child's life are vital. Both physical and emotional needs need to be met in order to form heathy attachments and an overall sense of security. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

 

[Muted]

Also, a child learns to comfort themselves by being comforted by their caregiver.

 

[Friday]

Two weeks is too young to be ignored at night, right? I'm not totally off-base to be upset about this, right?

Yes.

Even the very popular method 'cry it out' does NOT actually involve ignoring a newborn who needs to be fed and changed in the middle of the night. It's done -healthily- one of two ways; either adhering to a timing schedule so babies can learn to predict that every 2 hours for the first couple months, then every 3-4 hours, etc., gradually increasing time over months. -OR- One still gets up "on demand" however putting them back down involves letting them cry for 5-15 minutes or so before checking on them.

Leaving a newborn alone all night, wet & hungry, is simple neglect. Not parenting.

There are about 1,000 different ways to parent "correctly". But only 3 ways to do it wrong; Abuse, Neglect, & Not.


Cry It Out & On Demand people tend to battle each other about which way is "better", but facts are, they're both good. Neglect? Is neither of those two.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Your mother practiced neglect to the point of abuse. I am so sorry.

There is, strangely enough, a 'positive' side to this story. Most abusers refuse to admit to their crimes; this leaves therapists and survivors to make their 'best guess' as to what went wrong in childhood. Your mother, on the other hand, has 'told all', has admitted to her actions, thereby validating your concerns and fears. Now, you can tell your therapist exactly how you were raised and why you are having difficulties now. Your therapist will, as a result, be able to pinpoint your needs and fine tune your therapy.

 

[illusionist]

Reading this sends shivers through me...my ex mother in law tried to get me to do this with my kids...told I was wrong for having my kids, in their cot, next to me for the first two years of life. I just couldn't imagine a mother being able to do this, but sadly I've heard of a few of the older generation ' bragging ' about the so called benefits of this.

What I consider abuse and what she considers abuse are different. I believe she genuinely believed it was for the best.....stops the child being needy.....as her mother believed.....never did her any harm....errrrrr really?!

 

[EveHarrington]

Why do you still tolerate her throwing the abuse in your face?

This seems masochistic to me.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Why not put significant distance between your mother and yourself? You don't need to listen to her pontificate about the abuse.

 

[void]

@theshadowoftheliving

Same here:cry:


The Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect Dr. Jonice Webb

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPjo2uOArRc

Perhaps, her videos/book/website may help you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She failed you.
She committed Criminal Neglect against you, (imo)
The impact of Neglect is all-pervasive and can be even MORE impactful than abuse.
She will NEVER 'get' it.
I'm so sorry.:(

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Leaving a newborn alone all night, wet & hungry, is simple neglect. Not parenting.

Thanks,@Friday. I think so, too, but it is hard to convince myself sometimes.

What I consider abuse and what she considers abuse are different. I believe she genuinely believed it was for the best.....stops the child being needy.....as her mother believed.....never did her any harm....errrrrr really?!

Your mother, on the other hand, has 'told all', has admitted to her actions, thereby validating your concerns and fears. Now, you can tell your therapist exactly how you were raised and why you are having difficulties now.

She definitely thought that she was doing the right thing, which is what actually might make it the hardest, I think. There is no rationalizing with her and she won't ever be able to understand that she did something wrong.

Why do you still tolerate her throwing the abuse in your face?

This seems masochistic to me.

There are exigent circumstances that I can't even get into. It isn't masochistic, just trust me.

 

[illusionist]

I think it helps when something was done to us through sheer ignorance rather than intent to harm us.......that's how I've come to accept certain things from certain people.....helped me move on from it......to get on dealing with the effect of it.

I cringe at some of the child rearing techniques of the past, but were not done with intent to harm, rather ' for the good of the child '........but were bound to have had long term effect.

 

[shimmerz]

I cringe at some of the child rearing techniques of the past,

Yeah, I was thinking of posting but wasn't sure .....

My mother (who would have been 100 years old this year) told me to leave my baby to cry so they didn't look for too much attention when they got older. It was a well known strategy back in the day of Dr. Spock. And it may well carry from generation to generation still.