Mother's day

[Cora Lekki]

Secretly, these holidays make me feel like Scrooge.


Mother's Day, Father's Day, both pass by me with restrained rage. Growing up, rhere was no safe space, so I only learned to hide. I don't know who I am, and thus nobody knows me. Family connection of any sort feels alien, almost like a lie. Today I am the ultimate soul Hermit, envious of even those with dead parents. I know that that's not right. I am so sorry for your suffering.

The envy is for the single sentence explanation of misery. What can I say? Nothing, ideally. Usually on days like these I am expected to lie. Society and friends, even, do not permit the truth: She abused me. She held me down in every way possible. She tried to break me. She shrugged her pain onto my shoulders for as long as I can remember, robbing me of all lightheartedness of childhood. She tried to beat the spark out of me without even leaving scars. When I got hurt, instead of kissing the wound she judged me for having it.

Like all mothers, she set a path for me. The path was more of the same: pain, heartbreak, shame, and sorrow. More abuse. Constant anxiety. Self-hatred. Violence. Trauma swept under the rug.

But I deny that path. I am using all of my remaining might to turn in the other direction and run.

Today, for the first time, I begin celebrating the fact that I am my own mother. I have, and will continue, to teach myself how to live and love. Okay, the past month has been horrendous. I have spent most of my time disassociating and grieving and binging. That happened. No longer will my past dictate my future.

The battle with my mother doesn't end here. But I'm choosing to leave the fight.

 

[Muttly]

I work at a store. I work today. I don't want to go to work where everyone will be talking about their mom's and their plans and asking me about my mom. bleh.

I know a part of her wanted to be a good mom. it wasn't enough to override the other parts. it wasn't enough to make me feel wanted. it wasn't enough to make her stop the father. it wasn't enough for her to stop the brother. it wasn't enough to stop herself from being cruel. it wasn't enough to get her to seek help in real ways, instead of expecting me to be her caretaker, it wasn't enough to stop her neglect.

 

[Cora Lekki]

it wasn't enough

She failed, not you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Narcissistic mother abuse which of course has near destroyed my life. Yet i still want her to love me. How pathetic is that?

I do the same. My mom was a cult leader and did such unthinkable things to me and forced me to do such unthinkable things. So much so I had a murder suicide plan as my eccape plan.

Anyway, I still loved her and wanted her so bad to love me. I learned from some here that maybe its because she bonded with me for 5 yrs before turning into what she did. So that bond was apparently unbreakable.

When she died, instead of saying ding dong the witch is dead my inside "inner child" was screaming and was completely devistated and still is greiving. I need to grieve her though she turned into what she did, did what she did and forced me to do what she did.

So not patheic at all. It makes sense that you want her to love you and do all you can to gain that love. Its normal for us that bonded with our mothers in our very young years.

 

[Changing4Best]

I survived yet another Mother's Day. Yay me! I know, it's not over yet, but it is close enough to being over that I feel I am at the very least, over the hump.

 

[Changing4Best]

Ah well, I spoke too soon. My niece, who never called me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day or anything, posted a notice late yesterday on FB saying "Happy Mother's Day to all my relatives that have kids" and I know she did not include me in that, even though I have told her that she would have had some cousins, if I had not miscarried. She does not believe in God or Heaven, so she does not believe that her cousins are alive in Heaven. So she does not believe I am a mother, even though I did post on FB that I do feel that I am IN BIG LETTERS!

 

[Lurking]

I had a near-death experience this past Sunday, on Mother's Day. Terrible car accident where I lost control of the vehicle on the interstate, spun 180 degrees (possibly a couple 360s but I honestly can't remember) going 60 mph towards oncoming traffic, and slammed into the concrete median separating the NB/SB lanes on the passenger side of the vehicle - my SON's side of the car. It was literally a miracle that we didn't hit another car and were able to walk away with only minor injuries.

What I'm struggling with the most out of all this is the fact that my own mother did not once ask me if I was doing okay. Instead, she chose to criticize me several times throughout the day, and even told my boyfriend's mother to "stop spoiling" me by helping me since I was not able to walk well due to injury.

I am finally realizing after all this time and after this traumatic incident what a terrible person she has been to me. She dotes on my sister who lives across the country, but can never say anything encouraging or loving to me. She has told me that I am a terrible mother because I forgot to clip my son's finger nails. So I decided Sunday evening that I am no longer going to speak to her. She will never apologize or realize that what she has done (or not done) for me is so wrong. :(

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry, @Lurking and I wish you had a mother that was more supportive and more loving.

 

[Muttly]

Well, it's coming up to that time of year again. At least in the USA, so I thought I'd bring this thread up for people to vent, seek support, etc

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's been rough for me this year. Years previous I had my step mom there that I could "celebrate" and give a gift to and she would always tell people I was her daughter rather then step daughter, I think, in part to that. This year she's gone and we aren't speaking. I so miss that relationship we used to have. And my biolical mother (abuser) is dead and I have yet to truely deal with that and all that goes along with processing it and all the emotions that are there. So, it's just hard this year. That coupled with forgetting to make appointments with my therapist and since he books solid fast now will not have an appointment with him until the 17th. I don't know when Mother' Day is as I haven't cared to look but I am already going downhill. I'm quick to anger and just having such a hard time holding it together at work and expect to have a conversation with how I am speaking with customers any day now. But I'm trying so hard to not allow it to show at work and am failing so badly at that. It's not just Mother's Day but that adds to the entire thing.

Ugh! Why do we have holidays like this? It's so f*cking stupid! Celebrating what exactly? That you had parents that did what parents are supposed to do? Why celebrate that? That's what they are supposed to do! And then that just makes those of us that didn't have loving parents feel so horrible during these days. To see loving families and to not have that is so f*cking depressing. It's just all so stupid!

ETA: I just looked back at my replies last year and it's sad to find myself in the exact same spot a year later. Sigh!

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs to you all. I’ll see you in the Father’s Day thread. Grrrrr.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I’ll see you in the Father’s Day thread.

Yep, got issues there too! Grrr @ even having holidays to celebrate parents that only did what parents are supposed to do! Can I have a holiday for woker's day? Or paying bills day? Or being nice to others day? I mean, really? Why?