So. I finally managed to get myself out of that bitter, resentful frame of mind, and reminded myself of a few things:
- It's okay to feel grumpy and worn out sometimes - I don't have to keep pretending that everything is super-awesome, when I'm not feeling it,
- It's okay to admit that I'm struggling, and I need support, and
- yeah, it's even okay to be angry at him sometimes - this is a natural thing that happens when you get compassion fatigue...
....as long as I then proceed to do something constructive about it.
So when I got home last night, I had a really good talk with my guy. I said I'd been thinking about what he said on the weekend, that he doesn't have capacity to give any more to the relationship right now. I said that even though I don't really understand why he can't just express his love for me on a daily basis, that I understood that he was stressed and unwell at the moment, and that I would change (not lower!) my expectations of him. I also told him that I have realised that I need to strengthen my support network, so I am going to start additional counselling with VVCS.
It went really well. He listened to what I said, and seemed relieved when I told him all of the above. He tried to explain about how he constantly feels mentally fatigued at the moment.
Things feel different - better- between us now. He still isn't expressing his affection in a verbal sense, but I have to remember that he is very much an Acts of Service kind of guy, where love language is concerned. Half an hour after our talk, he offered to do a trigger job on my target pistol! That made me very happy!
So the serenity is back, at least for now. I have given myself some "homework" - remembering not to put too much pressure on myself to be the "perfect" caregiver, and in turn, remember that he's not trying to be an inconsiderate arse, he just has to focus on himself sometimes.
